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You Wouldn't

Epoofany

10 Jun 2026

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What happens on the last night before the tour?

6.443 - 33.414 Pat Clifton

How's the lighting? Awful. Dead awful. Look at these lights above us. Well, we've started. It's the worst lighting podcast. I like that. We'll just keep rolling, but from when we started to now, keep rolling. Because it's the worst lighting. This is the worst lighting in history. But we're here. In a very gloomy Gold Coast. It's a gloomy, dark Gold Coast. But let me tell you something.

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33.995 - 59.068 Pat Clifton

The room's nice. This feels good. Feels like young. Feels like when I used to holiday when I was a kid. Yeah, it feels like. This would have been peak luxury and the most expensive place in the world in like 2004. This was like modern crazy. Yeah. And it's dated, but I'm so happy to be here. It's so nice. You don't get the big balconies anymore in new places. We're 32 floors up.

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59.089 - 66.004 Pat Clifton

You don't get balconies anymore. You don't get balconies anymore. So thanks to the dumb cunts that drank themselves off there. But they were planking and shit.

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Chapter 2: How do the hosts feel about their accommodation choice?

66.024 - 98.026 Pat Clifton

Yeah, thank you to you, you fucking idiots. Hope you're all right. Probably dead. Second thing, you don't get couches like this anymore in Airbnbs. No, you don't. Big leather fucking blackies. Oh, shit. Fucking hell, dude. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that. I meant like black couch. Yeah, like these, again, were the thing in 0405. Yeah.

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98.548 - 120.746 Pat Clifton

And they're comfy as all fuck and they're big. Me, Kyle and Will can all lay on here and watch a movie tonight in comfort. Because Airbnb's got this new trend where they go, oh... That looks like a really great chair sitting there in the Ikea fake makeup space, plastic cardboard couch. And they go, oh, that's not actually a real couch. That's just for show. I'll buy it. I'll take it.

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120.907 - 122.148 Pat Clifton

And I'll put it in my Airbnb.

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123.35 - 124.532 Will Gibb

And it's the most uncomfortable thing.

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124.752 - 131.442 Pat Clifton

You're fucking mid-convo. No, Tiana tried to FaceTime me and I just said recording the podcast. It's fucking recording time.

132.904 - 138.149 Kyle

See you later, mate. Nah, this is nice. Just because you got no one to fucking call you, mate. I'm stoked.

Chapter 3: What are the food choices before the tour starts?

138.59 - 142.616 Kyle

I don't want no one to call me. I've said this. If I had someone to call me, I'd cry.

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142.957 - 158.54 Pat Clifton

Yeah, coping. I'm not coping, mate. Coping. So we're up here. Bro, it's five o'clock and it is so dark in the Gold Coast because it's like storming. It's terrifying. And it still feels like home to me. Shut the fuck up, bro. Then move here.

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158.761 - 160.383 Will Gibb

You fucking speak all this shit.

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160.423 - 181.626 Pat Clifton

Shut your mouth, bro. I don't want to move. Great. Because I feel like it's the perfect, whenever I'm here, it's like, fuck yeah, how good. Kyle's blaring videos on full volume. What was that? What was that? I feel like whenever I'm here, it's the perfect like, holy shit, I'm here. And I get that nice satisfaction. You don't want to move anywhere, do you?

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182.147 - 191.637 Pat Clifton

I don't want to move here and it might ruin it. You know what I mean? It would. And I don't want to move away, bro. I tried moving away. I don't want to be away from my friends and my family. I don't like it.

Chapter 4: What are the predictions for the upcoming shows?

191.657 - 201.167 Pat Clifton

It's not for me. Unless you move to an actual place that's not the biggest shithole on the planet. I still wouldn't like it. True. It would help. Yeah, it would help. Oh, fuck me, it'll help, but no.

0
0

202.008 - 225.568 Pat Clifton

um it's not what's going to cut it bit of a weekend we had some weekend stuff let me tell you guys quickly obviously tomorrow's we start so tonight we're kind of using it as our big goodbye so i'll tell you what we're bloody getting some fucking you need to give you need to give people context to that today is tuesday you're listening to this pot on a thursday the tour officially starts wednesday and you might be thinking why aren't you in the camper van

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225.548 - 228.091 Pat Clifton

because we're laxing up the last night before it starts.

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228.252 - 243.052 Will Gibb

No, why aren't we in the camper van? Because Willie G had the brainwave thought. Willie G goes, fuck, big day tomorrow, waking up, flying to Brisbane, fucking shopping for all our bedding and all that bullshit.

243.993 - 246.857 Pat Clifton

Fuck sleeping in the camper van. Shout out Apollo, though. Shout out Apollo.

246.877 - 247.658 Will Gibb

Good camper van, bro.

247.738 - 274.371 Pat Clifton

Fuck sleeping in one butt. i reckon it's mad no no but tonight bro yeah tonight fuck that it was the right call i thought look the tour starts tomorrow let's get a little fucking i'm gonna call this a penthouse it's just not though well i'm gonna call it it like just technically like technically it isn't yeah so it's not but it's a nice fucking apartment right so we're up here we're chilling out

275.178 - 302.012 Pat Clifton

thank god and because the tour doesn't start till tomorrow we can eat food that's not 7-eleven so we're going for the last supper with a nice big hurricanes in full rack of ribs are you guys going to share a rack of ribs cunt what don't ever ever ask me that question again you're getting your own yes brother do i go i know you are you only getting rack and chips

Chapter 5: What is the story behind the Byron Bay serial killer?

348.619 - 370.289 Pat Clifton

What's pork from a pig? I want to shit a pig out. I want to shit out a pig and birth a pig that ate that much pork. Well, I'm going to tell you something. How fucking great is getting to the airport And seeing a cop so embarrassed. Bro. Bro, there's one thing. If you're a cop and you're holding an assault rifle in Sydney airport, that's one thing.

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370.89 - 394.658 Pat Clifton

But the second thing, bro, at least look confident holding it. He was holding it like, sorry. And he was gay. He was gay. Was he? Yeah. I didn't look at him long enough because I was too scared. I was looking at him and he was like this. He wasn't like that. He was. He wasn't like that. He was like... It's like, brother, just be confident that you're holding an AR-15 fucking assault rifle.

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394.679 - 407.666 Pat Clifton

I think he knows it's TIDF. I'm happy he held it. I felt safe. I didn't feel safe. But imagine someone went in the airport to fuck shit up, bro. You'd be like, he's the man. Nah, bro. I feel way less safe around guns.

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Chapter 6: How do the hosts react to the news of the serial killer?

407.686 - 427.858 Pat Clifton

Do you reckon? Well, you feel safe around guns. Well, around one copper with an AK is like, okay, he's going to protect. Hopefully something happens here. We're at an airport. But he would have known it was a bit much as well. And he was a bit embarrassed by it. Like if I had to carry the gun, I reckon I would have been the same as him. So do you think if you move to America, you buy a gun? Yeah.

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428.198 - 450.711 Pat Clifton

That's fucked. Fuck that. Think so? I really want to buy, not a real gun here, but like a gun that's, there's guns that you can't, like they don't fire anymore. They're really old. Yeah. But just as like a bit of like, I don't know, if someone ever broke in, you just whip out a gun. Oh. You know what I mean? So dangerous, bro. But it can't fire. It physically cannot shoot.

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450.811 - 453.214 Pat Clifton

It doesn't have bullets or anything. You know what's so fucked?

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453.234 - 454.897 Will Gibb

You know what I mean? It's just the seal case of it.

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454.957 - 470.458 Pat Clifton

You know, like an extremely common cause of death is like little kids will get into their dad's guns and just die. Yeah. I think in America you kind of have to to protect yourself because everyone else is a loud one. Everyone I know that lives in America doesn't have a gun.

Chapter 7: What epiphany does Will have about happiness?

471.299 - 493.341 Pat Clifton

And they're chill. Maybe not because of... Bro, your kid would get the gun somehow and they'd accidentally shoot themselves. I reckon that's like full on. Now, when they were young, it'd be all right because you'd have it at the top of your wardrobe in a safe. But they can't even reach it. Speaking of guns, not to scare anyone, but obviously we're driving through Byron Bay and...

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493.321 - 520.576 Pat Clifton

And around this kind of Byron Bay area, which is where we're going to be in for the next couple of days, there is an active serial killer, as we know. And it's not really talked about, though, enough. It's not talked about enough. I think it's that he's wanted, or they. Or she. Yeah. You don't think they have it in them? Well, apparently... A female serial killer? You reckon they're too loving?

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520.916 - 543.567 Pat Clifton

Eileen Wuornos was a serial killer and she was a beast. She was one of the goats. If there's a serial killer goat list, Eileen Wuornos is in my A. I haven't heard of her. Really? She was a sex worker that then just decided to actually fuck these blokes. She'd actually just kill really bad dudes. Fuck. She was kind of cool.

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544.108 - 546.013 Will Gibb

I mean, she wasn't cool, but, like, it was kind of epic.

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546.034 - 563.334 Pat Clifton

People who, like, who booked her, she would kill them? No, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure the people she killed, I could be completely wrong, and it's you wouldn't, but they weren't great people. No, you should take everything we say completely legit and factual as well. Factually, Eileen Warno says go. Anyway. Can we get a bit of a fact check on Eileen?

Chapter 8: What are the hosts' thoughts on their experiences in Logan?

564.075 - 586.575 Pat Clifton

A-I-E-L. A-I-L-E-N. You know what? We could watch her movie tonight. It's called Monster. Nicole Kidman plays her. It's about her. Isn't Monster the TV series? There might be one that's TV series. Monster's the TV series. No, it's called Monster, the Nicole Kidman movie. Oh, it's a movie. Yeah. Because there's a TV series, Monster, which is- American Monster. Darm. Yeah, yeah. Is that his name?

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586.555 - 611.348 Pat Clifton

about her did she kill bad people or was she just full innocence they sentenced her to death i think she was the first woman to get put to death but if you if you heard serial killer you think bloke let's be real yeah anyway just sorry for the roundabout they're so much nicer but the seven victims were male clients who solicited her for sex who what okay solicited her for sex paid her yeah anyway

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611.885 - 612.446 Pat Clifton

But Kyle.

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612.466 - 614.749 Will Gibb

That's unlucky bro. Listen to this bro. This is scary.

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614.849 - 636.459 Pat Clifton

Imagine being like, fuck, I'm going to get an escort tonight. I'm going to pay a bit of cash for you. I wonder if she'd like sleep with him first. I wonder if that was like, cause not to sound like a weirdo, but like she would probably find that exciting. Like having sex with the thought of I'm about to fucking kill you. Like a spider. Do they fuck then kill? You don't know what spiders do?

636.559 - 645.087 Pat Clifton

I don't associate with them. Female spiders fuck then... Or then eat. I do know that. Yeah, that's fucking... That's wild. Anyway, get ready for this, right?

645.468 - 670.586 Kyle

So the place we're going in Byron, Tim, my friend Tim, he knows a really cool camping spot around his area. But he said that... they discovered two bodies near that area. And we are going to stay in that spot. No, he hasn't texted it to me yet. But Tim's going to tell us that.

670.746 - 693.992 Pat Clifton

And honest, what would we do if someone knocked on the camper van door? Or one of us, like, what? No, if I'm staying there, listen. Yeah, can we go get one? We'll get one. Can I recommend a golf club might be even more efficient? Yeah, but then you've got to hit them with the edge of it. That's easy. Nah, because baseball bat, you've got more of a... Okay.

694.292 - 713.368 Pat Clifton

Like golf, you can only hit them with the face of the club. And if they're in close and later... Why don't we just get a crowbar? That's even better. That's the best one. Crowbar is pretty good. Anyway... I feel like you can really swing the bat around. What were you going to say? If we stay there... We are. Yeah, but like I'm setting some rules. When? If someone knocks on the door... When?

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