Deb Dana
speaker
375 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Nov 2022
last heard Nov 2022
Deb Dana’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
So yes, co-regulation is a biological imperative.
We need it to survive and to thrive.
And we sometimes are in relationship with people
for whom co-regulation is very challenging, right?
And then our experience on the receiving end of that is often a move into some sort of survival state because the expectation our nervous system has is that we're going to reach out and someone will reach back, right?
And for many, many of us, that doesn't happen for all sorts of reasons.
Right.
And I use my personal experience with my husband, Bob, who had a stroke seven and a half years ago.
And so his capacity for reaching and offering for reciprocity changed and has not returned to what it was.
And my nervous system still has that experience of feeling, you know, the wound, like the missing.
And then my brain changes.
can come online and say oh it's not that he cares any less for you but he can't respond the way he did but on a biological level we have this expectation of give and take back and forth ebb and flow right and so for so many people that doesn't happen and then we have to see where do we find the co-regulation we need so that we can offer what is needed to another person
Right.
And sometimes we look somewhere else so that we have enough inside ourselves to offer until the other person or the child is able to reciprocate in some way.
And I find that with parents and kids a lot when a kid is sick.
It's just not ready yet to be in that reciprocal relationship or is wired differently and the reciprocity looks different and feels different.
I have to help the parent figure out how do you find what you need.
So that you can feel filled and then you can get what you're looking for and offer in this other relationship and relationship with your child.
So there are lots of ways to find co-regulation.
And in the work with couples that I do, I tell people we don't usually find it all in one relationship.
Showing 141–160 of 375 · page 8 of 19
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