Dr. Becky Kennedy

So I look at one hand, I'm like, this is my kid. This is who they are. That's their identity. And they are good inside. And then I look at my other hand very far away and say, like, this is their behavior. This is what they did. And I would agree with a lot of parents telling me, like, oh, they lied to your face? I would agree, like, not great behavior. They hit their sister?

Definitely not great behavior. But those things are different, and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate because you could then look at one hand and say, I have a good kid who hit their sister. And the only reason we want to punish and come down so harshly on our kids is because those hands collapse.

Definitely not great behavior. But those things are different, and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate because you could then look at one hand and say, I have a good kid who hit their sister. And the only reason we want to punish and come down so harshly on our kids is because those hands collapse.

It's because I see the bad behavior and I don't even realize it's so fast in my brain, but immediately I assume I have a bad kid.

It's because I see the bad behavior and I don't even realize it's so fast in my brain, but immediately I assume I have a bad kid.

That is my kid. It's collapsed. And to me, I mean, good inside is more things, but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from identity, which I think you get this, but not everyone does. So it's important to name that doesn't mean anything. condoning the behavior. Like, trying to understand behavior, we think means approving of behavior.

That is my kid. It's collapsed. And to me, I mean, good inside is more things, but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from identity, which I think you get this, but not everyone does. So it's important to name that doesn't mean anything. condoning the behavior. Like, trying to understand behavior, we think means approving of behavior.

But trying to understand why my kid is missing a layup, I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup. They're different. But that separation is the foundation for everything.

But trying to understand why my kid is missing a layup, I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup. They're different. But that separation is the foundation for everything.

Is it okay? I don't, for some reason, the reason mistakes that when I think about feels very like shame inducing. So, and it feels like final. So like what are the three things that I want to like myths or things I'd shift?

Is it okay? I don't, for some reason, the reason mistakes that when I think about feels very like shame inducing. So, and it feels like final. So like what are the three things that I want to like myths or things I'd shift?

I think that would be number one. Number one is that trying to understand your kid's bad behavior is the foundation for effectively changing their behavior.

I think that would be number one. Number one is that trying to understand your kid's bad behavior is the foundation for effectively changing their behavior.

You can only change what you understand.

You can only change what you understand.

That's a great thing to acknowledge. I don't understand why you're doing this.

That's a great thing to acknowledge. I don't understand why you're doing this.

Stop doing it, right? And if a parent said to me, I'd be like, Louis, that is so beautiful. We know exactly where to start. And this goes back to not having the skills. Why would you understand a kid's behavior? It's very complicated. And so it would be like a surgeon saying, I don't understand how to do this surgery. And I'd be like, yeah, of course. Well, you don't go to medical school.

Stop doing it, right? And if a parent said to me, I'd be like, Louis, that is so beautiful. We know exactly where to start. And this goes back to not having the skills. Why would you understand a kid's behavior? It's very complicated. And so it would be like a surgeon saying, I don't understand how to do this surgery. And I'd be like, yeah, of course. Well, you don't go to medical school.

Let's get you into medical school. There are places where you can do that. Really. So we have to understand before we intervene.