Dr. Robert Glover
speaker
1,225 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard Nov 2024
last heard Sep 2025
Dr. Robert Glover’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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at a very early age we everybody but nice guys in particular internalize inaccurately a belief i'm not good enough there's something wrong with me i'm not lovable i'm not valuable and this was you know through a child's immature mind internalizing our life experiences of you know our parents angry at us or you know we're hungry they don't feed us or you know our parents are fighting and children internalize i'm the cause of that there must be something wrong with me that's called toxic shame
And then we all develop coping mechanisms to try to not feel that and to try to get the love that we want and desire and get our needs met. Now, in time, I came to see that nice guy syndrome not only is built on that shame of everything we do is either trying to get external validation and approval or hide anything about us that might get a negative response, but it's also built on anxiety.
The anxiety that I won't be good enough, that I'll get abandoned, that I won't be loved, that I won't get my needs met. So it's really two pillars behind nice guy syndrome, this shame and anxiety. And they really go hand in hand, they overlap. So everything we nice guys do really is about getting external validation.
you know making good enough grades making a good impression making enough money getting the promotion driving the right car being impressive whatever trying to get people to to think we're okay because internally we we don't believe we're okay Now, we may not go right now. I talk about no more Mr. Nice Guy. I found in time there's two types of nice guys.
One, and I thought they were all like me, what I call the I'm so good nice guy. You know, I'm so good. I do everything right. You know, everybody should be happy with me.
um but my shame is just it's just buried deeper in a more you know locked box dark container inside the second kind of nice guy is what i call the i'm so bad nice guy this is the guy that probably you know struggled in school started doing drugs at an early age you know got kicked out of school kicked out of the house you know was you know always in trouble for something and then at some point in their life you know found religion
you know, got married or had a baby or got in the military, something kind of straightened them out. And now they're trying their best to be a nice guy, but there's their, but their shame's right up next to the surface. Oh, it's only a matter of time to people find out I'm a fuck up. I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me. So I'm so good. Nice guys. The shame's buried. I'm so bad.
Nice guy is right next to the surface, but both operate in the same way. And that isn't seeking validation. Now, Let me kind of come back to this, but come back from kind of a side way. Okay. I've been saying to a man for quite some time. Again, I'm a relationship expert, I guess. I earned a PhD in marriage and family therapy at 29 years old.
So I've been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years and teaching guys about dating for almost 20. So two things I tell guys. Number one. lifelong pair-bonded relationships with the opposite sex are not natural or normal or in the human DNA. We've only been trying to do those for less than 10,000 years. For about 2 million, 2.5 million years, we were tribal.
Everything was shared, including sexual access. People did not pair bond. And so trying to do this thing that culture says, find the right woman for you, fall in love, get married, be happy every after, it is a part of it. It's a fucking fairy tale. It's not in human DNA. Now, I say if we do this consciously, relationships can be a powerful personal growth machine. They can really grow us.
The other thing that I say is that dating is not in our human DNA. In fact, dating... has probably only existed in Western culture at most 100, 150 years. Eastern culture, I still talk to men from India today that their families still arrange their marriages. They don't date. That's why when Indian men come to America, they really are lost. I work with a lot of Asian men, and they're lost.
But even those of us that grew up in Western culture, Europe, U.S., dating's not in our DNA. I read somewhere a while back that Shakespeare, 200 years ago, wrote Romeo and Juliet to point out the stupidity of romantic love. We love each other so much, let's kill ourselves. But our grandparents... That was a tough breakup they had, Romeo and Juliet. That was a bad breakup. Yeah.
But even our grandparents, so if we go back 60, 70, 80, 100 years, you know, either, you know, married a cousin, married, you know, the girl next door, married their brother or sister's best friend. My wife grew up here in Guadalajara, Mexico, and she's eight out of 10 kids. Two of her brothers married two of her best friends.
You know, so that's how historically, you know, for the last 100 years, we call that historical. That's how dating works now. with what I call pickup culture and hookup culture. You know, we got apps, we can swipe right. You know, we've got dating boot camps. We've got, you know, seems like every woman on the planet is single these days. Excuse me.
I had COVID a couple of weeks ago and still recovering a little bit of aspects of it. I'm glad you're feeling better. For the second time. It's always better the second time around, right? No, it was actually worse than the first time. Oh, sorry. So the thing is, so Lifelong pair bonded relationships aren't normal and natural. Dating isn't normal and natural.
But the way things are laid out nowadays, if we men want companionship, if we want a partner, and if we want to get laid, we got to do something that's not a natural thing to do. And that is we have to learn how to interact with women, which, you know, It makes sense from a logical point of view that if we want to get a girlfriend or get a woman naked with us, we have to get her to approve of us.
So that's typically why we go seeking their approval. But it's even bigger than that. Kind of the golden rule among men is don't piss off the woman. That doesn't mean that means it's not your mother, you know, your female boss. We men, culturally, have just been conditioned. Don't piss off women. They'll go on social media. They'll call you out. They'll hashtag me to you. They'll be mean to you.
So we're all out there trying to please women and trying to get their approval. But unfortunately, that is the worst possible way to date that I can think of. Because all of a sudden, you hear in a lot of the pickup and red pill communities about alpha and beta stuff. And I speak at red pill conferences. I have red pill friends. But they'll talk about being alpha.
But the problem is, if you go seeking a woman's approval in any way whatsoever, you are automatically the beta. She's the alpha. She has all the power. She's the decider. And she knows it because every other guy seeking her approval as well. So she gets to decide who or what, you know, she goes with or what she does. So seeking a woman's approval always makes you the supplicant.
It makes you one down. It makes you, makes her the decider and you, you just accept whether, you know, whatever comes along. So that's, This approach of trying to get women's approval, whether it be in a dating situation or for guys that are in a relationship or married, seeking a woman's approval is the absolute worst thing we men can do in terms of healthy relationship dynamics.
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