Esther Perel

speaker

288 appearances 2 recordings 1 series first heard Jun 2019 last heard Dec 2021

Esther Perel’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.

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The Hook Up · Rethinking relationships with Esther Perel · 11 Jun 2019 podcast

That's the value systems that they are trying to integrate.

And I wouldn't say that the people who are on the romantic monogamous exclusive model are people who don't value sex.

I think that both of them are trying to integrate the same sets of human needs and

between the need for stability and the need for novelty, between the need for belonging and togetherness and the need for freedom and self-expression.

But they're doing it with a different solution.

And so if you look at it like that, then what you will notice is that

is that it's not a matter of choice or personality or movements or static positions, that some people may have been polyamorous and that one day they decide they want to live something else.

And some people may have lived on the side of the exclusive monogamous way, and one day they decide that they actually want to embrace multiplicity and that it's going to be more fluid, that in one person's life they may have had different choices rather than two camps.

And the other thing is gay people have given us that example for a long time because they have redefined monogamy a long time ago.

Monogamy was a matter of primary emotional commitment that sometimes may involve sexual exclusivity, but not always.

And so they didn't just use the exclusivity around sex as the primary marker for monogamy.

So this has already happened before.

And I think I prefer to see these as different choices that people make.

And sometimes the same person may make different choices at different points in their life rather than two separate irreconcilable camps in which you have to find some kind of a middle.

And it depends which relationship you're in.

With one partner, it would be inconceivable to actually have a polyamorous relationship because that is not a person who is actually choosing that because it's a part of their value system.

But they're choosing that as a way of basically never having to make a commitment or a choice.

Every choice comes with loss, no matter which choice you make.

That's inherent in the word choice.

It's not just what you can get.

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