Jay Shetty

Oh gosh, such a good question, Elise, honestly. I can think of like at least five people I know that are in that position. And everything I'm about to say, I want it to be noted that I'm saying it from a place of empathy and compassion because this isn't about judgment and it isn't about shame and it isn't about guilt. because I think often we feel that way.

Oh gosh, such a good question, Elise, honestly. I can think of like at least five people I know that are in that position. And everything I'm about to say, I want it to be noted that I'm saying it from a place of empathy and compassion because this isn't about judgment and it isn't about shame and it isn't about guilt. because I think often we feel that way.

We're scared of actually saying this to our friends because we're scared they'll judge us and say, we told you so. We're scared of telling our families because they'll say, I knew that guy wasn't right for you. And all of a sudden you feel shamed and guilted. And I always say to people, guilt blocks growth and shame blocks shifts. You're not going to get from guilt and shame to growth and shifting.

We're scared of actually saying this to our friends because we're scared they'll judge us and say, we told you so. We're scared of telling our families because they'll say, I knew that guy wasn't right for you. And all of a sudden you feel shamed and guilted. And I always say to people, guilt blocks growth and shame blocks shifts. You're not going to get from guilt and shame to growth and shifting.

It's just not gonna happen. So the reason we're chasing the wrong person is because we're running away from the right person, right? We've confused inconsistency with excitement and we've confused stability with boredom. We've confused attention with love And we've confused effort with desperation. If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate.

It's just not gonna happen. So the reason we're chasing the wrong person is because we're running away from the right person, right? We've confused inconsistency with excitement and we've confused stability with boredom. We've confused attention with love And we've confused effort with desperation. If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate.

If someone puts in time, we see them as being needy. If someone turns up and shows up we think they're the one who needs us because we've convinced ourselves that love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never wants to leave. We've convinced ourselves that this treadmill This rat race of convincing someone to stay is what love is.

If someone puts in time, we see them as being needy. If someone turns up and shows up we think they're the one who needs us because we've convinced ourselves that love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never wants to leave. We've convinced ourselves that this treadmill This rat race of convincing someone to stay is what love is.

And so I think the problem is we've created very unhealthy views of love. And by the way, I see this all the time. At that event that I was just talking about, one of the guys, he said to me, he said, why is it that when someone's putting effort, I feel like they're not attractive?

And so I think the problem is we've created very unhealthy views of love. And by the way, I see this all the time. At that event that I was just talking about, one of the guys, he said to me, he said, why is it that when someone's putting effort, I feel like they're not attractive?

And I said, because you're thinking about the next three to six months and not thinking about the next five to 10 years. I promise you in five to 10 years, you'll want someone who wants to sit with you and do nothing on the couch. In five to 10 years, you'll want someone who texts you every day to check in with how work is.

And I said, because you're thinking about the next three to six months and not thinking about the next five to 10 years. I promise you in five to 10 years, you'll want someone who wants to sit with you and do nothing on the couch. In five to 10 years, you'll want someone who texts you every day to check in with how work is.

In five to 10 years, you'll want someone who when they're traveling, don't forget to call you because they want to make sure that you've checked in. But for the first three to six months, you kind of want someone who's giving you two things. You want someone who's giving you a feeling of excitement and a feeling of stress. Because that's ultimately what chemistry is, right?

In five to 10 years, you'll want someone who when they're traveling, don't forget to call you because they want to make sure that you've checked in. But for the first three to six months, you kind of want someone who's giving you two things. You want someone who's giving you a feeling of excitement and a feeling of stress. Because that's ultimately what chemistry is, right?

Will they give me their number? That's the stress. The excitement is, I got their number. The stress is... oh my God, what should I text them? The excitement is, oh my God, they just text me back. The stress is, oh my gosh, are they going to say yes to a second date? The excitement is, yes, they just said yes.

Will they give me their number? That's the stress. The excitement is, I got their number. The stress is... oh my God, what should I text them? The excitement is, oh my God, they just text me back. The stress is, oh my gosh, are they going to say yes to a second date? The excitement is, yes, they just said yes.

And so this kind of oscillating feeling of stress and excitement is what creates the spark, is what creates chemistry. Now, when you've been in a long-term relationship like you and Tom have, or slightly shorter than me and Radhi have had, now you don't get stress and excitement. most of it just becomes peace.

And so this kind of oscillating feeling of stress and excitement is what creates the spark, is what creates chemistry. Now, when you've been in a long-term relationship like you and Tom have, or slightly shorter than me and Radhi have had, now you don't get stress and excitement. most of it just becomes peace.

I don't need to stress whether Radhi's going to be at home tonight, because I know she's at home tonight. So the problem is we've got to make ourselves realize that what you want now and what's right for your future are not the same thing. And if you want to live in this bubble of excitement and stress, that's going to go anyway.

I don't need to stress whether Radhi's going to be at home tonight, because I know she's at home tonight. So the problem is we've got to make ourselves realize that what you want now and what's right for your future are not the same thing. And if you want to live in this bubble of excitement and stress, that's going to go anyway.