Jillian Turecki
speaker
1,450 appearances
11 recordings
9 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Apr 2025
Jillian Turecki’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
then everything goes to hell because there's so much context around it. And so a large part of my life is learning how to, how to forgive him came later was more like, how do I be around this person without feeling like I'm terrified and feeling so deeply uncomfortable? my relationship with my father in many ways to find my life. And so learning how to deal with that was huge.
And I would say that my marriage, which ended, which was really the thing that got me into all of this. I taught yoga for many years, almost 20 years. And then I went through a relationship that was the most significant relationship of my life. And we got married and And then it ended in two years. And so I really wanted to understand.
I became obsessed with trying to understand what happened between me and my ex-husband. And that was really the time where I had to, I was forced to reckon with my relationship with my father. And how I could not, because I was very avoidant of my father. In the relationship between me and my father, I was the avoidant. In the relationship between me and certain men, I was the anxious one.
I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to face it directly. And so that's a large part of what has influenced this book is learning how to heal, learning how to have your own back, learning to raise your self-esteem and also to take responsibility for what it is that goes on in a relationship. And I wanted to figure out years ago, like what actually makes a relationship work, but work really well.
And I wanted to distill it into very tangible truths and lessons. And I spent years trying to distill it. If I were to come up with like 10 truths or nine truths or seven truths, like what is it? What is the legacy that I would want to leave behind? Like, what do I feel people must understand? about themselves and about themselves relationally and about love. That's what I birthed in this book.
Meaning in every relationship, is there someone avoidant and there's someone anxious? No, I think in a lot of relationships, yes. you might find someone who is more wired for togetherness and values more togetherness. And then you might find someone who has been wired towards more autonomy. But there are also a lot of relationships where there's alignment in that.
So I think that it's not just anxious that the lens through which that we see relationship shouldn't just be about attachment theory. Attachment theory is a very important layer. It is not the only layer. It's just about how were you raised? Like, were you raised to just like go out into the world and be free and be left to your own devices?
Well, if so, then you were raised to become a very independent person. Or were you raised, maybe were people a little bit more protective of you? Or were you raised around more togetherness and connection? Well, then you are gonna probably be more wired towards dependence. in a relationship. So everyone brings their different things to the table of a relationship, how they were raised.
Everyone has limitations. And it's really about two people being able to work within the constructs of how they were raised if they can, if they can. But no, it's not that in every relationship, there's someone who's anxious and there's someone who's avoidant. It's so much more than that. In every relationship, there's someone who believes that over-communicating is better.
And then there's someone who was raised to believe that it's best to just sweep it under the rug. There are some people who were raised to raise their voices when they're upset because that's how you show that you care and there's passion. And then there's another person who was raised to believe that, no, you keep your voices quiet.
And anytime you raise your voice, that's almost a declaration of violence. So we all have unique histories and conditioning and beliefs, and we all have our different lenses through which we see the world.
And sometimes, you know, often we forget that when we get into a relationship with someone, we're getting to a relationship with a very unique individual who has their own unique ways of growing up. And part of creating a healthy relationship is understanding that to talking about that, seeing if you can find a middle ground in the areas where there's a little bit of conflict or discord.
And that's what it is. It's not just anxious or avoid. There's so many layers to it.
First, what I want to preface this is, if you were sexually abused, there was violence, I'm not in any way suggesting, nor would I ever ask someone to forgive their parent who did that to them. I think some things don't really warrant forgiveness. It's more making peace with your past so that your story about your parent with whom you have struggled, you start to change the story a little bit.
And the story does not have such a control over you. And so my story, particularly with my father was like, here's this person who's like this. And I'm this person who's like that. And I was very scared of him. But as you get older and as I got older, I started to realize, yes, that is all true. But there are other things that are true too.
Like it's also true that he grew up in a generation and in a culture where men weren't emotionally available. It is also true that he did the best that he could with the tools that he had. It is also true that He had certain gifts that I happen to have as well. So the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
And sometimes the things that you adopt or that you inherit from your parents, even the crappy parent is great. So you have to start to see it differently. And it challenges us to become the wiser person in the room. And if you're in the room with the parent that you struggle with, like how do you transcend that? your ego, and all of that to kind of see things differently.
And that's the challenge. And it's not overnight. And it's about looking at your trauma differently and seeing it through a different lens, a more objective lens. So it's making peace. And I think that that's very important because when we really struggle, and sometimes, like I said, if it's strong abuse, maybe it's making peace with whatever happened with someone A lot of distance. Right.
So everyone has a different path. But the most dangerous person to be in a relationship with other than the person who's the low hanging fruit dangerous, which is violent, manipulative, narcissist. We know that that's dangerous. So let's just say let's table that. Let's shelve that kind of dangerous person. The next dangerous person to be in a relationship with.
is the person who is unaware of how their childhood has affected the way that they show up in a relationship, who literally just does not know, who does not have that awareness, and who isn't able to admit it and to talk about it with their partner. So we have to be able to do that, and that's very important.
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