Jillian Turecki
speaker
1,450 appearances
11 recordings
9 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Apr 2025
Jillian Turecki’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Most people are not diving into it. And there is some value to saying, look, I grew up this way. You got to make the best of it and move on. And I realized that because mom was like this or dad wasn't always present, sometimes I do this. Most people, you are right, are not aware of their imperfections. But it takes a lot of confidence.
You just have to know the ways in which you are actually difficult in a relationship and have a little sense of humor about it and love yourself anyway, and then say, you know, I'm going to work on this. That's really what it's all about. And then we also have to be very mindful of the fact that every single person has limitations. Now, some people have huge limitations, but we're all limited.
So you have to, when choosing a partner, for example, to expect a unicorn, to expect this person who's just not going to have any limitations is very, very, very silly. Like you cannot do that. But what you can expect of yourself and of another person is someone who's aware of their limitations.
And then what you have to be able to say to yourself is what limitations can I live with and what can I not live with?
And I hope that it woke her up a little bit. That's honestly a large part of what the book is about is you need to be able to see the role that you're playing in the dynamic. And even more, this is how you can change it because awareness is the first step, but then changing the behavior is the next step and changes where people is where we all struggle the most, to be honest.
But yeah, I mean, if you love someone and you're in a relationship with them and something's not working out with them and you're going through a hard time, it's not to say that when there's a problem in a relationship, I am not suggesting that it's a 50-50 split, meaning like you're responsible for half of it and you're responsible for the other half.
No, it could very well be that one person is more of a problem. Their behavior is more of a problem than the other. But more times than not, it really does take two to tango. And so the constant finger pointing without being able to say to yourself, okay, what am I doing that's contributing to whatever it is that's not working in my relationship? The moment you can ask yourself that,
is the moment that you transform yourself. You are transformed in that moment with just that question. And it's very, very important. So when I work with people and when I worked a lot with couples, nine times out of 10, I'm helping people see their role and their role could be their perspective, their role could be how they're just not considering the other person's side.
Most people, when they go into like a couples therapy couch, they're thinking fix the other person. And oftentimes we change the dynamics between us and another person by changing ourselves. Not always, but often.
It is very hard. I mean, mindfulness is a practice. Mindfulness is a practice. The example that you gave, I mean, that could be so many different things. Like It could be that you're choosing the wrong men, right? That could be one thing. It could also be that a lot of women will, because we value safety so much, we have
habit of always trying to find what's wrong in another person because we're looking for danger so that we can protect ourselves from danger. So oftentimes, is it actions not matching up with words or is there a communication breakdown? Is it the way that you're asking for things or is it actually them not being into integrity? There's so many different ways to look at the scenario that you shared.
mindfulness as a practice is, okay, if I want to be in a relationship with this person, are our values aligned? Do we get along? Do I feel good around this person? If I were to have a child, would I want them to grow up to be like this person? Okay. And then let's say you're like, okay, yes, I think so. I'm discovering so, but we're having these issues. Okay. How am I communicating?
Am I only thinking about my needs, my insecurity, my frustration, or am I taking the time to ask them about their experience of the same situation?
More times than not, the reason why people find themselves in toxic dynamics, unhealthy dynamics is because of ignoring red flags, basically ignoring their intuition. It's just basically that. There's a paradox and there's many paradoxes in relationships. One is people tell you who they are pretty early on.
And the other one is at the same time, it does take time to discover who a person really is and their character, right? There are certain red flags that might just be like, give you some pause and it's worth exploration. So it's not just like, oh, I'm not sure if that's a red flag. You know, let me just bottle up inside and then like pull away or walk away. Let me ask the person about it.
You know, like, let's just say they're talking a lot about their ex and they're talking about their ex a lot. And they're feeling like you start to get the feeling that maybe they're not entirely over this person. What you would say is, you know, I noticed that you talk about your ex a lot and I'm getting the sense that maybe there's still...
some emotional charge there or maybe you just had a bad day around it or like i'd love to understand more but this is what i'm observing and then you see what they say you never know their ex could be their ex-spouse and they could say you know what really sorry we co-parent today was a bad day with them so they're top of mind but i'm going to be more mindful of that
Or they might just like, you know, keep talking about how their ex is terrible, which is a really, that's a red flag because you want someone to be able to, first of all, not bad mouth their ex. And instead just be like, I learned a lot from that experience. This is what I learned. Because then you get the idea that they actually processed. But a lot of times people don't listen to their bodies.
Like when something happens, and it feels like an immediate punch in your gut or shut down in your system and something really doesn't feel good. They don't listen. They don't say, hey, that did not feel good. They don't take it seriously. They think, well, I'm really attracted to this person or I've just spent the last five months really trying to get to know them. I don't want this to end.
And there happens to be this whole inner dialogue that happens about why it can't end. And these are the things that I really try to empower a lot of people to pay attention to because those really unhealthy dynamics are ones in which people are ignoring their intuition.
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