Jillian Turecki
speaker
1,450 appearances
11 recordings
9 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Apr 2025
Jillian Turecki’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Yes.
A couple of different ways. One is you check in with yourself and you ask yourself, what is it that I'm feeling right now? And how much does this actually have to do with this person? Or am I looking at this person and seeing mom, dad, and my ex? Or am I actually seeing this person as the pure person who they are?
Or am I looking at this person and seeing an idealized version of who I want them to be versus who they really are? So you check in with yourself. You really have to check in with yourself.
And if you still can't decipher because maybe you've had a lot of troubled relationship history and you're having trouble trusting yourself and you're starting to now feel really anxious about it, speak to someone who you trust. who knows you, who's grounded, who can give you some outside perspective so that you get out of your head about it and you speak to someone about it.
And I think that that's very helpful, whether it's a very close friend, a family member or a therapist, whoever it is, someone who you trust and you could be like, hey, this is what happened. And I just don't know, like, is this something that I should pay attention to? Or is this me just being a walk-in trigger? And that's another thing.
I think that, you know, when we get into a relationship, part of what inspires me to teach people is assess how triggerable you are. Are you still being controlled by past relationships? Or have you looked at yourself and your role in it and the things that you can control and And have you kind of changed the story around it?
Or are you still stuck in the story of just constantly blaming your ex and feeling victimized by your ex? And so now it's like you're just a walking trigger. So these are some of the things. And again, it's just you don't have to get it perfect. It's just really honestly what it boils down to is self-reflection.
Well, first of all, men obsess quite a bit as well. They can, you know, not everyone obsesses, but they can obsess quite a bit as well. The obsessing usually happens when we are the ones who are being rejected. So it's the rejection is what stimulates all the obsessing because then we're like, we're not good enough. Should I try it harder? All of that.
Obsessing is part of the breakup process and it's part of the rejection process. And you start to ruminate is really what it is. And you're going back in time and you're replaying certain conversations and you're seeing it played out differently and what you could have done differently differently. There's different ways to put a little bit of an end to that. One is to talk to someone.
Another is to journal, exercise, distract yourself with work a little bit. You are very right that what women will do is obsess over the person who they barely know, who they started dating. Does he like me? Does she like me? Are they into me? When are they going to call this or that? Because women, we are very conditioned to have this sort of choose me mentality. pick me, choose me.
And men will get into this as well. It's not just women, but yes, more often than not, women will get into this, this wormhole basically of this person who they barely know that they have made the central character of their lives before that person has even gotten remotely close to earning that role. And it is the obsession with being enough and being chosen when in reality, You are the chooser.
And that is the most important thing. And we get caught up, and a lot of women, and it depends on their stage of life, they'll get caught up because maybe they want to have a family, they want to get married, they want to have the ring on their finger. They have all this anxiety and social and societal and familial pressure that's on their shoulders.
And so they meet someone who they're attracted to, who maybe looks good on paper, and they become totally obsessed with being good enough for them. And actually, that's exactly what turns the person off, particularly turns off a man. When really, you have to think, do I even want you? Are you good enough for me? Are our values aligned? Hey, this is what I need from you.
Because a lot of women, and men, again, will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is. And that is,
You have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing and you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role. And you will scare some people away and those are the right people to scare away.
So being direct is not the same thing as being antagonistic or being controlling. It's about being forward and vulnerable. There's tremendous vulnerability in exposing yourself to another person and saying, this is what I need from you. Because most of us are too busy unconsciously manipulating others to get our needs met. And we are trying to control the narrative.
We're trying to control the way other people perceive us. So we're doing all this strategy. It's actually very vulnerable to say, I care enough about me and you and what we can build together for me to say, this is what I need from you. And tone and cadence and your body language and your eyes, all of that while you're saying that can be very soft while at the same time being very direct.
And you can also be very intense if you have to be. I don't see that as masculine at all. You know, when we talk about the role of femininity and masculinity, you know, most people have it very wrong, honestly. Like, you're not in your feminine if you're doing this. you know Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. I also wanted it to be sort of like a surrogate therapy couch for couples who just don't know how to find their way out. So yeah, it's for people who feel saddened and confused and determined to figure out this area of their life, which is relationships, romantic relationships in particular.
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