Michael Chernow

It's not easy.

It's really hard when you walk around with a force field, a feeling force field.

When you've taken enough action to dig a deep enough hole where you're just never not covered in dirt.

And you have this ability to just numb that out.

You're dirty as hell.

You haven't showered in years.

You're just covered in dirt in this dark, dark hole.

But there's this way to like forget about all that for just a period of time.

You just want to continue forgetting because you don't know that there's a way to like find a branch or find a vine that you can just start pulling yourself out.

Anyway, I went on a two-week death march, had basically said to myself, this is how you're going to die.

You don't have the balls to kill yourself.

Just get it done with the drugs.

Just do as much as you can.

Just get it done.

And somehow, someway, I didn't.

I didn't die.

The morning of August 2nd, 2004, I came to in my room.

After being up for about three or four days, I'd slept 16 hours.

I blacked out.

And I remember right before that, there was a real conversation I was having with myself about just jumping out the window.