Sawyer (Mel's daughter)
speaker
186 appearances
5 recordings
2 series
first heard Nov 2024
last heard Apr 2025
Sawyer (Mel's daughter)’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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So first I'll talk about what I was doing wrong to keep us intertwined. And then I will tell you about what my therapist shared with me to start the unwinding process, which was painful, but very, very effective. So how I kept me and him intertwined in my mind was what I think a lot of us do these days, which is stalking them on Instagram constantly, posting photos of myself that...
with the goal of not, oh, I love this photo of myself, but more so, did he like it? Did he like it? Did he see it? Did he see it? And I think other ways are just thinking about him 24-7. And instead of doing a meditation or trying to switch the channel in my mind or go for a walk or distract myself...
I would just spiral in my mind and I would end up sobbing and it would just be, how can I make myself think about his future with other people that's not me? And it's true. It's like, how can I keep our...
relationship alive in my mind while it's not even existing other ways I did it were just constantly looking at old photos of us constantly looking at videos of us writing in my journal about him Obviously, again, that's helpful. It's processing. But to what extent?
Another way that I would keep us entwined in my mind and to not let go of this idea that our future is over is I would bring him up in conversation all the time. So let's say his name is Darren. I would always bring up, oh, me and Darren used to do that. Or, oh, Darren loves that. That's his favorite meal.
Or not necessarily even about our breakup, but just ways to bring him up as if we were still together when we were very much not. And or Darren's mom loves that or she used to get me that sweater. It was every little thing to try to keep him alive in my mind. And I was very aware of it, too. And no one ever brought it up with me or made me feel bad about it.
But I noticed it myself and realized this is not healthy and I need to stop. myself whenever I have a thought that rises. And instead of just blurting it out, I need to calm it down. I need to let him. I need to move forward.
Yes. That the morning of I was writing the breakup section of the new Let Them Theory book and writing this entire list, let them go and be with other people. Let them move on. Let them get fit and hot and let them love another person more than you. Let them not send you flowers anymore. Let them, let them, let them, let them. That night, I get broken up with. Next morning, Dolly.
I was like, absolutely not. That's not what I want to hear. Let him go and do whatever he wants. No. And so it's so ironic that we were writing this book together. And I literally was writing the heartbreak chapter. As I was not only getting broken up with, but moving through this and I was like, that's the universe. Hello. It sure is.
Yeah, I think the biggest thing that my therapist said to me is that when you go through heartbreak, it's the exact same thing as when someone dies. Because one day they're in your life and the next day they're not. You can't reach out to them. You can't call them. And all you want to do is do just that.
And so it's almost like you go through these stages of grief while knowing they're actually still there.
Yeah. So the thing about this heartbreak is it's not my first, but it's definitely the worst. And so I definitely learned from my first heartbreak in that I reached out immediately, we got back together, and that set the standard for the next five years of my life. It was a constant coming in and out of each other's lives. I could not get over him. And I was so miserable.
And I think that I really learned from that in that clearly the contact is the death of me. When our therapist, Ann, told me, the day after I got my heart broken, this time around, that you cannot reach out for 30 days, of course, that was very effective advice. But I was like, shoot, I really want to reach out. I have 25 impulses every single day to reach out to him.
Call him, text him on Instagram and on social media. Every single funny video, I would literally go to send it to him and then realize we're not together anymore. I can't send this. And it's unlearning all those patterns, untangling our nervous systems. And I think when she said you cannot reach out for 30 days, It was really hard, but it also was a challenge. It gave me something to work towards.
And I think that that really helped me because I had nothing else to go off of. And I was considering reaching out multiple times and every single day, every day. And I think that I was just so determined to unlearn the pattern of what I did previously of going back.
And I wouldn't say wasting, but going through five years of my life with the same person that I knew we both weren't meant to be together. And I wasn't going to allow myself to do that again. And so that is the only reason why I stuck it out for 30 days and But not being said, more on another 30th day. What's up? Check the box. Oh, my gosh. July 12th. Ring, ring, ring. I know the exact day.
I was so proud of myself. But I think that it really... What I will say is... And what Anne said to me is, I'm so proud of you for waiting 30 days. And I think it honestly did really help me unlearn a lot of the patterns because when I picked up the phone, of course, I'm an emotional person, sobbing immediately.
Yeah. Well, I remember having pretty much a panic attack and nerves and anxious bathroom breaks and absolutely everything was going on. But I can now look back and again realize I probably shouldn't have reached out. And I think it did set me back. While I did feel better about I personally don't really believe in closure. And so I think it didn't give me the closure I was looking for.
Yeah, I literally wrote that down right now. I wrote down if I had had these tools that we're about to talk about, including the 30-day rule, including the reality that you and another person's nervous systems are intertwined together and therefore you need to unlearn all of these neural pathways and these impulses that I think I would have gotten over my previous boyfriend. a lot quicker.
Yes. Both of us would have been so much better off had we had this toolkit and the survival guide. But instead, I took five years.
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