Tanya Coons

speaker

3,654 appearances 23 recordings 1 series first heard Feb 2016 last heard Aug 2022

Tanya Coons’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.

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The Hook Up · Fighting the good fight · 20 May 2019 podcast

Um one of the rules I've got some rules that I give out to folks for fair fighting. matched

Let's have a and one of uh well the first one is um matched

I'll call time out if I'm feeling that I'm flooding. matched

So we were talking about that before the break. matched

Um, another one is I won't bring up the past. matched

I will only talk about today and going forward. matched

Right? matched

They can bring up the past when they come into therapy or things like that. matched

But but you're not gonna solve things by saying, Hey, you know, you didn't help me with the dishes today and then matched

the partner going, Yep, well you didn't do it at breakfast yesterday and you didn't do it on holidays and by the way, back in, you know, nineteen seventy five you didn't do this and it just it derails what you're trying to sort out today. matched

So that's not very helpful and it's snowballs, so everything gets very complicated and you don't know exactly what you're arguing about anymore if you keep matched

piling things on. matched

Um and the other thing is you want to promise not to hit below the belt and not to wear your belt on your forehead, right? matched

So don't don't punch hard and low, but also don't be too sensitive that you can't hear if your partner's got an issue with you or something that you're doing. 'Cause if they uh don't feel safe to bring things up then they can't sort things out with you. matched

Yeah. matched

Tanya, what can um Ella do? matched

Yeah, that one's it's really hard. matched

It's hard to force someone to listen to you. matched

Um and I noticed that, you know, that that sounds like it's defensiveness and um there's a pattern in arguments. matched

Um and I think a lot of people have heard of uh John and Julie Gottman's work. matched

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