Tanya Coons

speaker

3,654 appearances 23 recordings 1 series first heard Feb 2016 last heard Aug 2022

Tanya Coons’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.

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The Hook Up · Fighting the good fight · 20 May 2019 podcast

Uh they did some research looking at couples having arguments and they worked out four things that we all do when we're in a relationship. matched

But if you put them in a certain order, there's a ninety one percent chance that your relationship will fail, which is a hefty number. matched

But it's pretty easy to work around doing positive things to not have these things in order. matched

And they've called it the four horsemen of the apocalypse, cheerful title. matched

So what are they? matched

Um they are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewall matched

or withdrawing. matched

And when you think about it, if somebody criticizes you and you bounce back with a defensive response, you haven't listened to them, they haven't felt heard. matched

A few more volleys of that and then some contempt comes in where you start calling each other names or saying cruel things or rolling your eyes or sort of that, ugh, see what I've got to put up with sort of stuff. matched

Contempt is never ever healthy or good in a relationship. matched

And then what happens is people will withdraw. matched

Sometimes they'll withdraw to avoid an argument. matched

Sometimes they'll do the silent treatment. matched

But in all of those exchanges there nobody's been listened to and the problem hasn't been addressed. matched

So when people are withdrawn, they're sitting in separate rooms and they need to have a chat to each other and they do what I call making up stories. matched

And making up stories is where you sit there and you you you you tell that story in your head and you insert the answers as if your partner was there with you. matched

So it's like, he always does this. matched

She never does that. matched

No na na na na na and these stories all end in the same two words. matched

Poor me. matched

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