Vanessa Marin

Like, oh, you want to have sex now?

Can't you say I'm in the middle of something?

We just had sex a couple of days ago, right?

It feels annoying.

And a lot of times that's because men are initiating in kind of annoying ways because it's so vulnerable.

So you guys do the like, you're trying to joke about it instead, trying to get a little plausible deniability.

So one of the classic ones is like,

the old boob honk.

He comes up behind her while she's washing the dishes and gives her a little honk honk.

And she's like, leave me alone.

Get off of me.

And he's, oh, I was just joking.

I was just messing around with you.

That wasn't trying to initiate.

You're trying to get some plausible deniability to make it sting less when you get a no.

But of course, it's an annoying initiation.

And so you're more likely, ironically, to get a no from her.

But as women, a lot of us will, yeah, we'll get annoyed and just leave me alone, go away some other time.

And we don't recognize in that moment

That what our partner is really doing, even if he's doing it really immaturely, really unskillfully, what he's actually asking in that moment is, I want to feel close to you right now.