Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Why is colon health important for comedians?
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Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here.
This is the history hyenas. When was the last time you had milk? Dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago. I just had a full, I had to go get milk for my kids and I just put it in the fridge there and I was just looking at it and I was like, I'm going to drink some milk. And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk, woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. Yeah. I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know? And I'm not lactose intolerant, but I think my body was just like, you can't just give me all this milk at once.
It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore.
But I did hear, though, that the—ready for this? They said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth. One, increased alcohol consumption. Sorry, Bert.
I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down, and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke.
Please, thank you. Colonoscopy's great. And did you wake up and you weren't hard? No. Me either, dude. Fucking our dads were wrong.
Wait, you got a colonoscopy?
Yeah, I've gotten two. Why, you have colon cancer in your family? No, well, here's what happened is, well, I'm 40, so they say start getting at 40, so I got cleaned. I was 51. 51, but I got cleaned. This last one I did, I didn't even do the propofol. I just said, just shoot her up there.
Just give me a belt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went old school. Wilderness. But when I was 35, they gave me one because what happened was I was having an anxiety attack and I took a shit that I felt looked questionable. I felt that I took a questionable shit. And so I took a peek because my mom, since I've been a little kid, she's told me two things and two things only, like on a daily basis. Don't do drugs. Big. And then always before you flush your poop, you look at it and you make sure that your poop looks good. Yes. So I've been looking at my poop since I'm about six years old.
That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. Yes. They take it away from you too fast. A hundred percent. Like a runaway team.
Yeah. I have to, I try to put my hand down there and no, no, no.
Yeah.
So, so I took a, I took a questionable shit is what a QS is what we call it. And so, and so, and so I have a friend, I have a friend who's a dermatologist, so nothing to do with the colon. Can I send you a pic? Yes. So I said, can I send you a pic? Exactly what I said. And he said, sure. Expecting to see some type of eczema or psoriasis. But I sent him just a nice cold shit. And so he said, this is not my expertise. But...
Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion?
Well, the thing is I'm calling him a friend, but I didn't even know him that well. I had his number because I booked him on ZocDoc a couple of weeks before. And he said, okay. He said, it's not my expertise. He said, but I would agree with you that it does look questionable. Because I said to the doctor, I said, is this a questionable shit?
Yeah.
Right away. And and he said, it does look questionable. So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist and I said, you know, showed him the pic. And he said, look, I don't know if that's a filter. It could be it could be just the lighting. I really don't know. He goes, but.
Wait, you had swiped to put a filter on it? Yeah, that's right. I swear to God.
Like you were posting it on Instagram? Yeah, like it was a snap. Is this Seba? Back in my Snapchat days. Is this Lowepro2? Is this Paris? So he says, let's take a look. Let's take a look. And I said, great. So we do it. And then I wake up and he's like, you know what? I'm happy that we took a look. You would have been fine, but you did have two polyps.
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