To be or not to be a parent
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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The choice to become a parent is as personal as it is complex, and there are countless questions to work through before taking the first step. But what if there was someone who could guide you through how to make the best decision for your life? That's what our friends at LifeKit are getting into today. LifeKit reporter, Andy Tegel, sat down with psychotherapist and author of the book, The Baby Decision, Merle Bombardieri. They talked through regret, figuring out a timeline that works for you, and how to navigate the conversation with your partner. Okay, y'all, take it away.
You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, it's Marielle. You know, I feel lucky to live in a time in which becoming a parent is increasingly a choice, right? Not just the default setting for your life path or the next natural step. It's a big deal to bring another life into the world. And deciding if you want to do that is a question that's bound to raise a bunch more.
The baby decision is never just about baby or no baby. It is who am I, who is my partner, who are we as a couple, and what hasn't happened yet that we want to have happen before we die.
Merle Bombardieri is a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and author of a book called The Baby Decision. She's been coaching people through this choice about whether to have a child since she was 29. So it's almost 50 years I've been doing this, and I love doing it. Merle started down this path after facing her own baby decision. when her then-boyfriend proposed to her. She told him no at first because she knew he absolutely wanted kids, and she was pretty sure she didn't.
How does Merle Bombardieri define the 'baby decision' and why is it more than yes or no?
And he just said, well, you know, you'll change your mind. You know, our love will continue at some point. You'll just want to have a child. And I said, we can't be sure of that.
So they talked about it over several months, what the future could look like with a child and without one, what they each wanted for themselves, and where they might be able to compromise. And here's a pro tip. A really, really important thing in my being able to make the decision is that I found role models. In her case, she talked to the mothers coming in and out of the university daycare center where she worked. Many of them were faculty or grad students.
They said, life is really, really busy right now. It's really, really hard these first few years. But we love both. We love both lives. And, you know, we know that parenting is going to get easier. So, yes, we are feminist and, you know, very adamant to continue our careers. And we're also mothers.
Merle has two daughters now. That was her choice. Yours might be different. She says there's no right or wrong as long as you make a choice intentionally, rather than letting time or fate decide for you. Because she's found that's how regret and resentment can creep in.
I really believe that child-free should be the default. We should assume that everyone is going to be child-free unless they actively choose to have a child because they value that. They want to add a child to their lives.
On this episode of Life Kit, how to decide whether to become a parent. Life Kit reporter Andy Tegel is going to talk to Merle about minimizing regret, about the myth of the lonely only child, and about how to deal when your partner wants something completely different from you.
So much of the hand-wringing about the baby decision, it seems, comes down to regret, just plain and simple. Is it possible, Merle, not to have regrets, to be totally certain about being a parent or being child-free?
I would say no. The word decide comes from a Latin root meaning to cut away from. So every decision involves loss. If you decide to have a child, you're giving up all the control and the freedom and the excitement and the
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:07
2
How does Merle Bombardieri define the 'baby decision' and why is it more than yes or no?
2:07–18:43
3
What does 'minimizing regret' look like when choosing to be a parent or child-free?
18:43–22:11
4
Why does Merle recommend asking 'Which decision will I regret least?' instead of 'Will I regret this?'?
22:11–29:23