Chapter 1: What absurdities are discussed at the start of the episode?
Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, gay-triots, they-triots, black-triots, brown-triots, we love you. And all of the triple Trumpers, all of the fascists, all of the fascist collaborators, everybody that went to the Met Gala can do what, Pumps? Fuck off! Double bird fuck off, that's right. Double bird.
Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay. Well, what I've had it with is one Kylie and Josie. That is what I've had it with. So Kylie graciously, and I appreciate her for this, set me up a new dummy email account to get all my orders in when my other one got hacked. And I appreciate that.
But what she did, and it was a real knee slapper at the time, she made my new account, blah, blah, 69, which I'm like, oh, it's fine. I'm just going to type it into places. Who gives a shit? Hee hee. had to go to the Apple store this weekend. And I'm like, oh, all my Apple stuff goes to an email account that is no longer viable. So I need to change it to a new email account.
Of course, it's wall to wall people. This guy's mid twenties. Right. And he said, what's your new email account? I can do that for you. And I go, blah, blah. And then I was like, And he kind of looked at me and I was like, I didn't do it. I don't even know how to set up an email account. This millennial I work with, she did it for me.
Chapter 2: What frustrations does Pumps express about her email situation?
I didn't know, making it one million times worse. But you know how I get diarrhea of the mouth in those situations. So yeah, here I am. Middle 50-year-old woman running around with an email that says 69. And it's fine until you have to tell people.
Right. Right. Considering how fond you are of oral sex, I think this really is appropriate. Do you know, I was thinking about this after I left.
When was the last time? Okay, I really tried to think, and I want to say it was over 20 years, maybe 23 years. Wow. Because, as a reminder to the audience, my sex addict husband that was fucking hookers told me I was bad at blowjobs very early on. I did not know I was competing with professionals.
Professionals, yeah.
So I was like, everybody wins in this case. That's it. And it's been that long, like 23, four or five years could have been. Definitely before Luke was born. I mean, a hundred, maybe even before Emily was born. She's 23.
Wow. Well, first of all, thank you for sharing all of that. And Kylie, thank you.
for for doing that because we film so much content it's difficult to come up with really good stuff so that was a really good assist to the podcast you're welcome uh-huh and anytime we can show the world how sex obsessed pumps is yeah i think it's a win yeah all right so i'm just gonna tell you what i've had it with i've had it with stinky ubers oh like just what kind of smell Food.
Agree. Totally agree.
There's a guy, I got an Uber the other day and he was eating some sort of like, it was like a dried fish chip or something. Something that really shouldn't be a chip. Something that shouldn't be in a closed car. And you immediately get in and you sit down and Ubers are not cheap. Ubers are expensive.
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Chapter 3: What are the hosts' thoughts on stinky Ubers?
Oh, God. I've been so worried.
So, you know, I told him I thought the body fat scale at the gym was not accurate because So he went home and to Oklahoma and he ordered a, he chat GPT and clotted. He has competing relationships with AI. He gets in a fight with chat GPT the other day. He got chat GPT to admit that it was gaslighting him. And so then he was like, I knew it. I'm going back to clod.
So then he clod recommends some body fat scale and he gets this body fat scale in and his body fat comes back at 9.5%. Oh, the meltdown. What was it that he told us? Three to four. Yeah. So it comes back at nine point five percent. And here's the worst part. It's hooked up to an app on the phone, the new scale. And he weighs every morning and he just he sends me now a screenshot.
I'm roped into this thing. So I'm getting a screenshot of his body fat every morning. And this morning I got an image and it says that he's gained 1.4 pounds. And then it says the body fat has increased by 0.4 percentage. And then the attached to this, he writes, I've gained weight. My body fat is up. Not good warning. Just that screenshot. And I've gained weight. My body fat is up.
And I just respond. Oh, no.
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Chapter 4: How do the hosts feel about food smells in Ubers?
Okay.
This is going to be how you wake up every single day for the rest of your life.
This is your life.
Let me see what else he sent me about this.
Oh, yesterday morning, body fat went down was yesterday's post. Body fat changed that much. Wouldn't that be water or something? I'm surprised he didn't rope you in to where you get the alerts every time he gets on the scales. That's where you dodged a bullet. I was just thinking you're only getting screenshots.
Yeah. I think we could hook that up if we wanted to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would love that so much. By the way, I'm promoting Joy Reid's show. She's phenomenal.
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Chapter 5: What new trend regarding foreskin restoration is being discussed?
I think we are completely wrong in doing that. I also think a lot of parents that this is in the same vein of people think they own their kids. People think that their kids are, they completely own them. They own their life. They own their vision. They set out what their kids are supposed to do. And I think it kind of starts with this idea that we can just mutilate their genitalia.
And I think that it's just been so normal. We don't think anything of it. But when you really step back from it and think about it, It's fucked up that we're sending our kids that are a day old to have their penises cut up. I don't know. I just if I had it to do over again, I don't think I would circumcise my kids. I don't ever remember being given a choice. Do you? Yeah.
I mean, they just, I do think I was given a choice. I think they came in and it was like, it's time to circumcise.
Are you okay with that? Based on personal stories that I've heard from people that it kind of gets smelly under the foreskin. So, but I didn't know that at the time that I circumcised my kids, but I just, I'm just not, I wouldn't, um, go to all the trouble of putting it back on. I would think that would have all kinds of different issues. Infection. I just... I don't know.
I just think it's over the fucking top.
I think it's over the top too, but I don't think that we should be doing that. I think it's weird. I think it's odd that we do it. I think it's odd that we just kind of accepted it. When I really step back and think about it, I'm like... That's kind of fucked up. Like I didn't give my child the choice in that. It's kind of like people that just throw their kids online or this has to be your life.
You have to follow this exact script. It's like people think they own their kids. And the truth of the matter is the best parents know they borrow their children. and teach them autonomy and groom them. And then the kids go out and they make their own choices and they make their own life. But there's this real ownership of kids in the United States. And, you know, Europe doesn't do this.
They don't. Yeah. They think it's really barbaric. And I kind of do too. That's just my opinion. And, you know, these type of I mean, I don't relate. I hate what's happening to women. But men are just always going to be obsessed with their penises. Foreskin, no foreskin. You know, that it's just that Freud wrote about this. You know, this is just something that we have to accept.
It's just something that they're going to be fixated on.
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Chapter 6: What are the cultural implications of stroller usage in America?
I don't even remember what being normal feels like the HOA created me.
Oh my gosh, the dedication. I admire this kind of dedication. I love this. I love it. It's psychological warfare in its purest form.
The HOA does do that shit to people. And tattletales do that shit to people because Gary tattled first. Yeah. You know, to the HOA. And then... And this is what I talk to you all about, about suburban culture. There is no culture and there's nothing to do in the suburbs. So they get riled up about this HOA shit and trash cans because there's nothing else to do.
You either go to church, you go to MAGA shit, or you go to church MAGA shit, which oftentimes are the same thing.
Right.
Or you're tormenting your fucking neighbor because you're bored to fucking tears because every house in the neighborhood looks exactly the same. It's where curiosity and critical thinking go and jump off of a fucking Empire State Building headfirst and die. And this is what this person is having to do to create some sort of something going on in their brain.
I love this. I love your description of it. I love it. Curious first. You know, I've had just a fraught relationship with my HOA. And the other day, first of all, there's nobody in there that's not 100 years old. And they had this big banner printed, like, the HOA meeting is this day, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just thought, wow. Nobody wants to fucking come to that.
Nobody. Oh yeah, they do. Oh yeah, they do. Yeah. I don't know. That's where you're wrong. People live for that shit. People fucking live for that shit. They've got alarm set one day before the AOA meeting, three hours before the HOA meeting, one hour, 15 minutes, ding, ding, ding. And I mean, it is just like cortisol spiked, adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, all in one.
People fucking live for that shit. They live for it because they have nothing else to do except for go Bible thump and Trump thump and then HOA monitor.
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Chapter 7: How do the hosts critique suburban HOA culture?
Big, big dogs with their HOA. I told you about the time that Luke and his buddies were trying to break into the club thing after hours. I mean, they weren't breaking in. They were going in with the code after the close sign. And this guy posted it like it was happening in real time. And they're posting it on the neighborhood group, me, whatever app, because my neighbor texted me.
And I just thought, are you sitting at home on a weekend night? Yes. And you're watching the fucking deal at...
the pool can be in a place because there's nothing to fucking do to do to your point yeah so this is what this is what happens with this hoa and i appreciate because i i think i'd rather go crazy fucking with somebody like that so much they get a priest coming that to me is far better than sitting around watching jesse waters and greg gutfield agree gut one million percent you kind of feel good about it yeah yeah okay um here's the next one
My neighbor received a letter from HOA saying his tree needed to be cut down. So this is what he did with the trunk. And for those of you listening, he carved it into a pencil where it looks like a pencil. He painted it. He put it to a point and he made a yard art. I love that. That's really impressive. Okay. And then the next one.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don't like that kid's mom. So I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I'll see you in hell, Bethany. You did this to me once. I did. You know why? Because you kept inviting me to Bible study. I said no. And then you did it again. I said no. And then you did it again.
So I thought I'm going to buy her a loud hand. Yeah. And then I think you regifted it to me the next year.
Yeah.
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Chapter 8: What are the hosts' final thoughts on societal expectations and norms?
in the washroom. I know we've talked a lot about washrooms. There's a lot going on there. There's a lot of fuckery. You got to wipe it down. You got to make sure that everything flushes, all the good stuff. Wash your hands, all those good things. But we need to talk about the phone calls. What are you doing taking a phone call in the washroom?
It's one thing to pick up and be like, oh, hey, sorry. I'll call you back. I'll call you back. Sorry. I get it. I've had those important calls. Everyone's had that. But you know what I don't have it with? You're taking a phone call and you just kind of walk in and You just keep making the phone call and you just keep talking. You can hear toilets flushing in the background.
You can hear the hand dryers. You can hear the sinks. I'm sure all of this is audible to the person on the other end. And you just keep talking. It's absolutely ridiculous. In the words of Jessica, where is the oversight? Where is it?
It's rampant. It's rampant. And it's always somebody who not only do they have to take a phone call in person, they don't take into account the feelings of the people around them with the volume in which they take the phone call. It's like, oh my God. Okay. So then I told him that I was going to do this and then we'll meet up at two and they're screaming.
And I want to say, not only why are you on a phone call? Why the fuck are you yelling? Why are you yelling into the phone in public?
In the bathroom. Here's my gripe with all these people. Nothing that you're saying, like you're on a tram from an airplane or the plane lands and you're on the phone or you're at the gym or you're in the bathroom. None of these conversations are emergent. Like if it's an emergency, I get it. But why? I hear your side of it. There's nothing newsworthy that you're talking about. It's just so...
It's unbelievable how important people think these stupid conversations are.
Yeah, and he's on to something. There is phone call abuse that's going on with zero oversight. The public restroom situation, I think we need monitors. I think here's the thing. These HOA people, Gary, if Gary were to monitor public restrooms, Gary wouldn't be so worried about what his neighbor's doing. The trash cans were out one day that it wasn't trash. Who gives a shit, Gary? Right.
The real crimes... being committed here are in these public shared spaces. And that's a much better way to spend your time than monitoring your neighbor. And to the neighbor that was fucking with Gary, think about how excellent of a bathroom oversight person they would be. They would be like, excuse me, what do you think you're doing coming here?
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