Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For our brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives, or what? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.
Hi!
We've been doing this a long time, him and I. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hull Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip at any time that you want. Use the code KILL15 to save 15%. Full recovery.
It's unbelievable if you're not getting IV drips. You're stupid. You can drink. You can do whatever you want. You can travel. You can do anything and feel like a million bucks all the time. It's an unbelievable deal. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.
Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Did you just miss our two huge Kill Tony New Year's Eve shows? Man, you missed out. But no worry. If you want to check us out in our first arena show live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas, you have one more week to go to KillTonyLive.com and purchase it. We have two shows, the two biggest shows we've ever done, available for one more week at KillTonyLive.com.
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Chapter 2: What is The Great Bucket Bonanza?
Yeah, Genevieve, I loved your set, but that's actually my Nigeria joke. Oh, shit. I've said that one a bunch. I think you know that's my joke, so... Yeah.
I was a little horrified when I heard it come out of your mouth.
Well, I would have did white people on Niger, but I feel like that's too on the nose.
Right, and we know how we feel about those kinds of noses.
National noses.
Cam, you have 56 cousins. What did you think of this performance?
Genevieve, my cousin.
That's right. I had a feeling. I thought I saw one of her backstage in Jacksonville.
Gang violence. Gang violence.
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Chapter 3: Who are the special guests tonight?
Genevieve, everybody. We're going to fly through them tonight, folks. We're going to meet some innocent people. This name kind of looks familiar. Let's see what happens here. New Minute from Tony Cruz, everybody. Here comes Tony Cruz. Right out of the bucket. Here we go.
How's everybody doing? Have y'all heard the good news? Fast and Furious and Marvel Universe agreed to merge in their next film. Yeah, Vin Diesel will be transitioning to a female role as America Chavez. It's pretty 2023, isn't it? Dwayne The Rock Johnson will be recasted to play her bitch. And Ghost Rider will be played by Paul Walker. The legacy continues, guys.
It's a role he's been dying to play. I used a butt plug recently. It didn't work. I still shit my pants. Yeah, I didn't realize butt plugs were used for sexual pleasure until I stuck one up my ass. Yeah, my eyes are open, especially my brown eye. Guys, I just want to say this. Y'all are all beautiful. Everybody in here is beautiful. You're also beautiful.
When you go home tonight, you should all go fuck yourselves. My name is Tony Cruz.
Okay, Tony Cruz. He got some laughs. I didn't think anything was funny at all, but this is a very generous audience. I think it's what we're figuring out. They're giving laughs on what appears to be Cadence alone. It appears as though if you leave a gap for laughter, this audience will give you some respect.
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Chapter 4: What happened during the date that went wrong?
Welcome back, Tony. You were on last week, correct? Yes, sir. Very lucky man. Look at you. Amazing. How does it feel? Feels good, man. I love it. I'm having fun. It's amazing how luck goes to people that don't have much talent often. You know what I mean? Like the universe has a weird way of balancing it out. Like, hey, let's give this guy another opportunity with half jokes.
Yeah.
It's great, though. You look fantastic.
Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
You said you look like a homeless Mario. Like you got into a horrible car accident and just things went downhill from there. What made you dress like that today?
I mean, I don't know, man. I figured I was going to be on Kill Tony, so why not? Why do I feel like you're not wearing any underwear underneath that? That's just curiosity, guys. I'm just saying. I can show you if you want. No? That was gay. Yeah. Yeah.
No, show us. Show us.
Show us.
I'm kidding, bitch! William wants to see your toadstool there. Tony, remind us, what do you do for a living?
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Chapter 5: Why is getting pulled on stage a surprise?
System of a down syndrome, yeah, for sure. Oh, my God. I didn't know, dude. I didn't know I was going to get fucking pulled tonight, dude. I've been signing up for like six fucking months.
Chapter 6: What happens when someone feels low in their performance?
Nobody ever knows if they're going to get pulled. Isn't that crazy how that's the show works that you work for?
Yeah, I know.
I had no idea I was going to get pulled tonight. Fucking shocking, stunning, almost like they were pulling names out of a bucket.
Chapter 7: How do comedians support each other during tough times?
Yeah, it was like 200 motherfuckers every week. And I'm like, God damn, of course. And I'm like in a low right now. I'm not doing too good, bro. Why are you in a low?
Chapter 8: What unique advice is given to improve comedy skills?
Honestly, bro, I don't know what the fuck happened. I like lost the fire a little bit, dog. I'm not even going to lie. Oh, my God. Like I was fucking working my ass off. Like a year ago, bro, I had so much fire. And I don't know what the fuck has happened.
You know what? To pick you up a little bit, you know what we're going to do? I'm going to buy a T-shirt from you. You're down to 349, my friend. Good God, dude, please. Michael Ridley, we're going to keep it moving. There he goes. All right, thanks, guys. With a great System of a Down impression there. I'm System of a Down. It was a summer of system. It's a pastime activity.
That was literally the worst System of a Down impression, I mean, humanly possible. A blatant, deep, strong voice. I can sing System of a Down. I guess the whole band's confused. So much toxicity in our city. All right. Nobody else thought that was crazy? I was like, well, I can sing. Have you heard of System of a Down? Summer of friendship. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll.
Owen Gallivan, everybody. This is a new name for sure. Owen Gallivan. Here he is. Hey, everybody. Guys, I think it's funny that we use the word skinny to refer to people that are thin.
I think it should be the opposite. I think we should use the word skinny to refer to people that are overweight. Because who has more skin than them?
They are covered in it. You guys, they are so skinny. I think it would make them feel better too, you know? Going to the doctor instead of being called morbidly obese. Doctor could be like, listen, you're dangerously skinny right now. You're actually my skinniest patient. And then I think we could just call thin people something else that made sense, you know? Like hungry. Or annoying.
Or, oh, you think you're fucking better than me? I am getting older, you guys. I'm getting older. Someone had me last week that made me feel really old. Went on a date with a girl that didn't know what MySpace was. Can you guys believe that? 16 years old, didn't know what MySpace was. Thank you. All right, Owen Gallivan. Welcome to the show, Owen. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing?
Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years. Where at? I started in Worcester, Massachusetts. Oh, shit. There you go. That's all you need to know about Worcester right there. Yeah.
I'm from Worcester, too.
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