Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle, you're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston. St.
Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there.
So hope to see you soon.
Hey, this is Red Ray coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Fuck yeah. Thanks so much for Red Band, everybody. Live, in the flesh, the real deal.
This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip by using the promo code KILL15 and save 15%, become fully hydrated. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody?
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Chapter 2: What upcoming comedy tour dates does Tony Hinchcliffe share?
Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Thank you. Paul Diemer on the horns with a new Coca-Cola sponsorship. That is the madman Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. And indeed, the backbone, Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Very exciting stuff ahead.
Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? We're going to have a lot of fun. You know, we've had a lot of, we have debuted a lot of guests on this show. I remember when it was Shane Gillis' first time. I remember Tim Dillon's first time. I remember Adam Ray's first time. A lot of the greatest guests in our history. It all starts with one appearance.
This is this guy's first time on as a guest. One of the top young rising comedians out of New York has a brand new special out on YouTube. Make some noise for the great Louis Katz, everybody!
Yay!
It's Louie, everyone. Not that Louie. It's another Louie. It's Louie Cash. Sit here, Louie. Slide on down.
Fuck yeah.
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Chapter 3: How does Tony introduce Louis Katz as a guest?
You're so much more masculine when you're Korean.
It's really impressive. I have a fully grown Korean man deep inside me. Not the first time. All right, Hans. Well, you got tonight's show started. You fucking did it again. Anything else you want to say? You seem like you have fucking something on your mind. Seems like you have unfinished business up here.
Yeah, I mean... I don't know. I don't know. You guys must not think about polar bears as much as I do. But yes, I'll come back and I got some new bits that I'm trying to work on.
I love it. Hans, everything's good. You have one of the hardest jobs in fucking stand-up. William has a bunch of amazing trademark things he can do. Cam is still in his first six months of doing it. He's burning through material, writing new material and this and that. You've been doing this for two and a half years. It's not easy to do what you do.
Don't take it hard on yourself, but you did kind of bomb tonight. But don't take it that hard on yourself. It's the craziest thing in fucking comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching. Literally, people don't make it a minute into most of the specials that go out nowadays, like on fucking Netflix and shit.
Wow, both of the band members just said it's true at the same time, just to let you know how spot on I am. Spot on item. Fuck yeah. But yeah, it's crazy what you do. Louis?
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Chapter 4: What are the highlights of Louis Katz's first appearance on the show?
Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. Just go back home and get back to cutting yourself. Yeah, you did pretty good. All that I ask is ten Hail Marys and five self-whips with an antenna. There he goes. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Did I pull a second name out yet?
Yeah.
That's first. Second. Ooh, that's inside. Look at that. Oh, that's inside. Go let him know that he's up second. That's incredible. All right, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together. I think you guys know how this works. This is where we found everybody. Anything can happen. Everybody has a chance.
Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young.
What's going on, guys? What's up? You guys drinking tonight? Dude, I fucking love drinking. I drink a lot of beer. Love Bud Light. Fucking love it, dude. Just want to say, as a man with a dick and tits, it's so great to finally have a beer that makes me feel seen. I fucking... I love drinking, dude. I can't smoke weed. I'm too dumb regularly, and I get even dumber when I'm high.
I got really high, and I was at this park. I was walking, and there was this Indian family ahead of me. And when I say Indian, I mean, you know. There's two types. You got... But it was these guys. And I was listening to them talk. They were speaking Hindi and then English and then back to Hindi. I was so high. I was like, wait, can I understand them?
And then I started listening to some more and they were speaking Hindi and then English. And then they just kept speaking English. And I slowly started to realize that they were speaking English the whole time. And thank you guys. That's my time.
Thank you. Austin Young with his Kill Tony debut. Am I correct? This is your first time?
Look at you.
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Chapter 5: What comedic insights does Uncle Lazer share about his past relationships?
And then we're going to ask him about this. And then can you come back out during his interview? Yeah, yeah. Louie, anything else for Cam? It just sounds like Uncle Lazer really let you down. If you can't depend on a guy named Uncle Lazer, who can you depend on? That is true. That's what I said, man. So fuck no. Okay, how about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody?
And like that, I think you know what's coming next. Back to back. Let's find out the other side of the story here as I present to you another new minute from Kill Tony friend of the show, Uncle Lazer, everybody. Here he is. Oh, shit. Oh, he's putting a zen in. Uh-oh. Very serious. Very Big Hank energies out here.
Woo! Woo!
One more time for Uncle Lazer, everybody. One more time for Uncle Lazer. Cam's motherfucking lying, first off.
But I'll do my joke first here. Listen, I just saw my ex-girlfriend in 10 months. Took her out to the Olive Garden, right? She said, come out, I'm better now. That was a trap. She had no way out, right?
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Chapter 6: What humorous experiences does Uncle Lazer recount involving his ex-girlfriend?
She said, she's into this new hobby, domestic violence. She assaulted me with her eggplant parm in the middle of that fucking restaurant and then called me the N-word. Yeah, aggressive. Yeah, that's what I said too, right? My wiener's not that big. And my credit score's good, you know what I'm saying? Relax, right? But domestic violence is a weird thing.
Look, I know I look like I hit women, but I don't. You can't hit them, they fall weird. They fall like newborn deer, you know what I'm saying? And there's no winner for a man in domestic violence now, right? You hit a woman, you're going to jail. But if you get taken advantage of in that fucking Olive Garden, you're a faggot. She got a pussy like a snapping turtle, so did I learn my lesson?
No, am I gonna see her again? Probably. She jerked me off in the shower with a rubber glove.
behind like a stranger you ever jerked off that frog in the science project that's what i'm talking about i'm uncle laser thank y'all so much there you go why the rubber glove very interesting it's really not a rubber glove she had one of them exfoliating gloves like women do on their skin and shit and she put a little lotion on that just beat me off from behind like a stranger would it was fucking incredible is that true no i said that i wish i was telling jokes i'm just telling stories man okay uncle laser louis
That would fuck up your dick. Yeah, that would hurt. I used to jerk off with antifreeze so it'd last longer.
You had an auntie named Freeze? I love how people keep reacting to my job slam. You got it. He got me a lot of those tonight. Okay, so let's talk about it. Explain to me more. Why would she jerk you off from behind with an exfoliant glove with lotion? It seems like very counteractive here.
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Chapter 7: How does Uncle Lazer's story about his past affect the current conversation?
Why not use her bare hand?
It's not the same.
You would prefer it with the exfoliating hand mitt? It's like a pot mitt, kind of, right? Yeah, it's like a construction worker. So it's like a glove. The fingers go in the glove. It's a whole ass glove you put on your hand, Tony, yes. I'm asking you, though, is it like a mitten or is it like a finger?
You don't know the exfoliating glove? Exfoliating? I don't know that word. You know what I'm fucking talking about.
Exfoliating. Exfoliating, yeah, with an F. Yeah. Exfoliating glove. Exfoliating. So are her fingers in each individual finger, or is it like... Well, she's got two of them on, right? One jerking me, and the other one, she picks me up like a bowling ball from the asshole. All right, all right. Whoa, relax. Here he goes. He's lasering up, folks. He's lasering up. Lasering up. Oh, to your left.
To your left. Go back. Okay, go back. Okay.
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Chapter 8: What are the comedic themes explored in the discussion about stand-up comedy?
There you go. There it is, red band. Worth it. Wouldn't be able to do it without you, Red Band. Always on the ball. But those gloves and mittens, they're rough. They hurt.
Why would you even think that would be good? You like what you like.
Relax, guys. I've been beating off since nine. You know what I'm saying? I'm tethered. A lot of shocking things in your set, I noticed. You have a good credit score?
Yes.
I did.
I'm about to file for bankruptcy and kill myself. But yes, I used to have a good credit score.
How did you used to? What happened?
Well, I was an old filfer. I made a lot of money. I had a house. I paid my bills on time.
And now... Now what? You know, hey. I'm here. Right. And you're really thinking about filing bankruptcy? No, no, no. Just scrubbing it all the way like an exfoliating hand glove? It's not... Just go home and do it. Then we'll circle back to this. You're welcome, buddy. No way. No fucking way. Your dick's fucked up, dude. It's got a big vein in the middle of it.
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