Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California. I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston. St.
Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there.
So hope to see you soon.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yeah, that sounds fucking great.
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Chapter 2: What upcoming events are mentioned in the podcast?
I'm going to hand over to the great Redman, everybody. Hi! This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the motherfucking world. And you're at it. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip right now. Save 15% using the code KILL15. How are we doing tonight?
You guys happy?
Yeah!
Fuck yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Paul Diemer on the horns. Matthew, the madman of Michigan mewling, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees on the motherfucking keys. And this, of course, is the great and powerful Dee Madness here on the bass guitar.
How about one more time for the special appearance you guys got to see by the great Tal Wilkenfeld?
Woo!
And here we go. A lot of fun stuff ahead before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
We're gonna have fun tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? That's what I'm talking about. You know, we have a lot of the best guests in the world on this show. And some of them I introduced to y'all before they are tremendously fucking famous. These are two guys that the entire world will know of.
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Chapter 3: Who are the featured guests in this episode?
He's got the white girlfriend. He's got it all going for him. He's rich. He sells out all over the world now. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
Make some noise for motherfucking Hans Kim!
Thank you. I have a Bangladeshi roommate.
And sometimes he cooks food so smelly I have to take a shit with the door open.
Just to get rid of the smell.
I have been sending a lot of Ozempic to the Palestinians in Gaza. So it's easier for them to dodge the bombs.
And if they do get hit, there's less mess to clean up. I hate it when ugly people act like them dating is the same thing as when hot people date like me. It's like the difference between the NFL and Major League Soccer. It's like, yeah, you're playing on the same field, but no one wants to see what you're doing. All right, thank you.
That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Yeah. Thank you. Fantastic, Hans. How are you? Good. I'm good. That was great. Good set. Thank you so much. That means so much to me, Tony. Jesus Christ. This guy is the most autistic fucking robot. How do you have both? How is it possible that you're autistic and robot-like? I just am Asian.
I think this is what Asians are like. Hello. Hello indeed. I love it. So how much of that's real? Because we heard recently that a roommate complained about the smell of your kimchi and now you're complaining about the smell of your roommate's food.
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Chapter 4: What unique experiences do the guests share?
Two years. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Electrician. Hell yeah. You ever gone on a call and you go in somebody's place and it's a fucking just dude in his shorts?
Yeah.
He's like, hey, I need some help over here. You don't remember me? Oh, you son of a bitch. I do. I remember it well. It was a magical moment. Put his little rocket in my socket, you know what I mean? The electricity was flowing. Okay, Jesus Christ, Red Band. You don't remember me? And then I saved it, dude. I got the fucking guy. Dude, it was fucking huge, dude.
Like, at first, me being gay was bad, and then I turned it around like I do with dudes. I took the opportunity, and I fucked it in the ass. How old are you, Camilo? I'm about to turn 26. 26. What do you do for fun in this crazy world when you're not doing stand-up comedy? For fun, stand-up, soccer. Soccer? Fuck yeah. Damn, you are gay. Yeah, dude, I mean, I suck at...
So you like balls on your feet and your hands. It's great. You like them on your face. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I bet when you're hanging out with dudes, it gets a little messy. Soccer reference. Shut up. Relax. All right. What else about you, Camille? What would we be surprised to know about you? I'm training for the half marathon here in Austin. You're training for the what? Half marathon. Okay.
All right. Well, I'm running a lot. Drinking half a drink tonight. What the fuck does that mean? That's what I'm doing right now. Why are you training for a real marathon? That's too much. Why don't you just do it and then finish halfway? Just stop and brag to your friends about how you did it. That's a good idea. Hell yeah, dude. Absolutely.
So a half marathon, do they just give you like a fucking half a medal if you finish that or something? Like a half a trophy? I get half a dick. Wait, what? Hold on. Now he's gay again. Hey, I'm gay again. Look, I was super gay, and then I flipped it on Tony, and then I was gay again, dude. It's like a trilogy. It's fucking Return of the Jedi, but it's me being gay, dude.
I fucking fucked up again, dude. All right. I love it. So what is your love life actually like when you're out there with the women? Nothing right now. It's dead. Nothing right now.
It's dead.
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Chapter 5: What humorous scenarios arise from drinking and dating?
No, I mean, I'm not literally saying I have a four-hand dick. So what do you have, like, someone, like, rubbing your thigh or something like that? No, there's two balls, and, you know... So they have one hand on each ball? Is that what you're implying? I mean, they get creative. They literally try to suck on the nipples. I'd be like, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, don't do that.
Like, you're not my girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm blacked out drunk. Stay away from these nips.
Oh, bro.
No, no, no. I'm paying you. I make the rules.
Chapter 6: How do personal experiences influence comedy material?
That's an amazing thing, though, at a level, the sure thing of it. That's what is kind of addicting. Other than sucking on the nips, what else do they try to do that you can suck on? They try to suck. They try to escalate. And you don't want that. I go, no, no, respectfully, no.
No mouth, no mouth. No, no. Hand only.
In your accent, so they understand. Hand only. Yeah. Why is that? Why would you?
Chapter 7: What insights does the guest share about emotional eating?
Teeth, sorry. Their teeth are what? Rotting out of their mouth. Oh, Jesus. These are, no, not all of them. These are low budget? The one that tried to blow me, again, if she had a nice set of teeth, it might have been a different story. Wow. He's just poor. Yeah. How much were you paying for these? No, I haven't only, it's not only these gross, like, mangled women.
There's, again, there's a range. There's... Before I quit drinking, kind of why I quit drinking, part of it was I went and signed up for two open mics and then got blackout drunk and then ended up going and getting this Brazilian.
Chapter 8: How does the conversation shift to the guest's family dynamics?
It's private. You don't go to a salon. Yeah, did you give her a handjob?
No.
Those Brazilians are wild. The opportunity presented itself, I may have. But no, she was a real woman. In-call or out-call? In-call. Yeah, yes. So they call, it's amazing. It's a beautiful thing not to blow up their, you know. All the dirt balls were wondering, in-call or out-call. Yeah, no, it was a very comfortable in-call. Airbnb, safe. But I had trouble, yeah.
It was this horrible thing, like... They're so beautiful. It's unbelievable almost how beautiful they are. And I'm like, wow, are you really doing this? You were drunk. No, no, no. You see the pictures when you do your research. You're doing sober research, drunk integration, drunk execution. So have you gotten one of these girls since you've been sober?
No, no, it's definitely... Even though the pictures of them are so beautiful. No, it is. Trust me, I still stand by a couple of these. Quote, unbelievable. A couple. One could not believe how beautiful these available women are to come over and give a handjob. For the price, I would say unbelievable. What was the price? What's the price of a Brazilian? It was for a 30-minute, 150.
What's the price of an Asian for an hour? What? Sorry. What's the price of an Asian for an hour? Oh... 120 for a massage plus a handjob. What's the price for an Asian for a half an hour? I didn't go. I was indulgent. I always go with 60 minutes. You always go with the 60 minutes. I like the massage. I love the massage. 60 minute 120, but 30 minute handjob from a Brazilian, 150.
And they don't do massages. They'll just straight to the dick. They will not rub a shoulder. For 30 minutes, they give you like 10 minutes of a shoulder massage. So it's like, yeah, it's pretty much right to business. But again, it's still kind of cute. Yeah.
By the way, the massages he's talking about, his price range, are not real massages. It's just a girl doing this to your... Disgusting.
I don't even like you.
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