Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh, shit. Here we go again. Hey, look, it's Red Band, everybody. Hi. We've been doing this show a long time together, him and I. Ten and a half years running, and it is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Who's excited to be here, huh?
Brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, and Connect Mobile Health. Get an IV drip. Save 10% using the promo code KILLTONY or TONY10, something like that. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? God damn it.
Chapter 2: What is the significance of the Sunset Strip Comedy Club?
Unbelievable, right? This fucking serial killer's excited, I could tell. Those cold, dead eyes. Jesus fucking Christ. I think I found the Rainy Street serial killer right here. Just out in the fucking obvious, blatant, fucking cold, dead eyes. Jesus. You guys are all bundled up. Why don't you take your fucking ski jacket off? Relax a little bit, sir. Jesus Christ.
That's the Peterson brothers joining the band over there. Local fucking legends. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt, the mortician mulling on the electric guitar. The leader of the band, John Dees on the keys. And let him hear it because that's all he can do. The great and powerful D Madness, everybody. Oh, shit. It is going down tonight.
Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well. You're in good hands. This is a show that's been booked out for a while. This is very, very exciting. These are two of our favorite human beings that we have been working with for 17 fucking years at the Comedy Store. Legends of the Comedy Store. Working fucking icons of the comedy game.
And most importantly, our Comedy Store brother and sister. Let's see how loud this place can get for... Bobby Lee and Esther Pavitsky. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Look, it's Bobby Lee, motherfuckers. Come on. Show your respect to Bobby Lee. Little Esther. Here, scoot down.
What? This wasn't working.
Yeah. Can I go over here? Hell yeah.
Hey, one more time for Tony Kiske.
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Chapter 3: What are the highlights of the upcoming guest appearances?
LA short ribs. My goodness. Old short ribs over there. What's the longest you've ever just let it sit? Probably around like five minutes. Wow. What? That's amazing. You're baking your dick? My goodness. You have a bun in the oven. He has a bow in the oven. It's incredible. Little Esther, what do you think about the great Hans Kemp?
I've watched you on previous episodes. This felt really like your timing was good. You weren't nervous. And I liked the joke about the nails. I live in L.A., so nobody can be racist there. So that was fun.
And her people know about nails. They're the ones that drove them through Jesus' hands. So... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's fucking go. I love it. Hans, an amazing minute, a fucking great way to get the show started. You have to do it every week. It's not easy.
There's a lot of fucking people that fucking talk shit and you take it like a goddamn champion as your star power grows, your ninja star power, and you prove the haters to be pieces of shit every week. Congratulations, the reigning, defending, opening regular of the show, Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. And like that, everything takes a wild turn because now we go to the bucket.
This is where shit, obviously, if you know the show, gets crazy. It could be a completely insane person that says crazy stuff. It could be the future of the show. A star could be made or someone could embarrass themselves. Your first bucket pull of the night is Jason Rodriguez, everybody. These people have been waiting all day in the cold, and here we go. It's Jason Rodriguez.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Jason Rodriguez.
Hey. Hey. All right. How's it going? Life good? Cool.
Yeah, life's good for me. I have a mustache now. Everyone likes it. Mostly guys. Mostly guys with mustaches.
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What does the audience expect from the new comedians?
Oh, my God! The Machine! Live on Kill Tony!
Fuck. Fucking 50 clean, baby. Hell yes. Shout out to Ways to Well. Testosterone's doing good. Yeah. I don't cum anymore, but that's cool.
Bert, the machine crasher is joining the party, everybody.
Thank you.
Red band, do your 30, dude. I'll do it in VR. Oh, catch him doing it in virtual reality, everybody. There you go. Should I try?
No, you're pregnant.
You can't do it. We never got Jason to do his. You think he could do 30? Oh, fuck. I don't want to do it now. This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time. For those of you listening to the show, people are doing push-ups. And here we go.
One, two, three. It's not happening.
Oh, he's already slowing up. This is not looking good. It does not look good. He ain't building my furniture. I'll give him credit. He is going pretty far down. You got it. You got it. 26, 27, 28, 29, 30! Jason Rodriguez.
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Chapter 5: What experiences does Carlos Lopez share about his life?
okay so uh tell us some more about the life of carlos lopez what else have you been doing i've been hauling horses since i was like 21 yeah hauling horses and the oil field before that you were in the oil field look at you oh my goodness you are just a real fucking man you you have a lot of chest hair i do yeah yeah yeah i got all the taco meat hold on oh my god look at that
I've been growing it since I was a little girl. Oh my God. Wow.
Tony's in love.
I am.
He's blushing and everything.
I am. I really am. I want to get on top of the old Brokeback Mountain over here. Well, looking for you, this ain't a mustache. It's a saddle. Oh, well. Well, you know. Well, you know what? I think we could trade belt buckles tonight. You know what I'm saying? I ain't bumping buckles. I'm sorry, bud. Wait, what? They call it bumping buckles. That's right. That's right. With a buckle bunny.
Absolutely.
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Chapter 6: What are the dangers of hauling horses?
Let's fucking go.
Wait, can I ask you a really tactical question?
I just have always wondered this. When you're driving horses and you stop short, do they all fall?
Yeah, they'll fall, break their legs and stuff. You got to be real careful. I think that all the time. Yeah, me too. That's why when people cut me off, I pull my gun out so they don't do it again.
Wow. Allegedly, allegedly.
Has that ever happened? Have you ever had to stop, like, really hard? Mainly on the Florida Torn Pack, yeah. Wow. My goodness. Those people don't know how to drive in Florida. Now let's talk about your love life, because seriously, you seem like you could walk up to any fucking woman in the world and have a chance at stealing them away from a man.
Do you have any special lines that you say with women or something like that? Howdy. Oh, that's it? That's all day? I just came in my pants for the first time since my first hangout with Little Esther.
I feel like he's got an answer for everything. He does. Let's be the woman hitting back on him. I want to see how quick he is.
Okay. Okay. Who should be the woman here? I'm very excited about this. I'll do it.
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Chapter 7: How does the guest describe their love life and dating strategies?
It's sexual at the end a little bit, but I thought it was cute, and I thought it was good, and I think I like you, man. Thank you very much. I love it.
How long have you been doing this? You're killing. You're doing great. You gave yourself a standing ovation there. It was incredible. This is your big moment, Bobby. How long? Whoa, whoa, whoa. The whole thing gets turned around. There he goes. He fucked it up. Once a gong. He wants a gong. There you go. Two gongs don't make a right. All right. So, Jack, how long have you been doing stand-up?
About four years. Four years. Do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? I was a paramedic for like six years. Oh. Yeah, people don't like to hear that at shows. Yeah. Okay, okay. Jesus, relax. I guess he's white. I guess that means he's a white paramedic. What's the craziest thing you saw while being a paramedic? Oh, God. Some of that's not as funny, to be honest.
But I will say, one time a woman, okay, I showed up on scene and this guy had like one of those retractable car antennas shoved through his neck, like just missing his jugular there. And we were talking to him for like 20 minutes and his wife's there and she's like in a panic. She's like, this is crazy. And eventually I'm like, we're like, who stabbed you? And he goes, it was this bitch.
She points to his wife. So I was like, oh, cool. Wow. Yeah, that was like my third day. My goodness. Yeah. Was the radio still playing? Was the reception good? Yeah, he opened his mouth and the Friends theme song came on. It was crazy. All right, very good. What else about you would we be surprised to know, Jack Schwartz?
Are you Jew?
I am Jew. Okay. That came out wrong. No, I think it was perfect. Are you Jewish? How Jewish are you? What? How Jewish are you? Like, I'm atheist, essentially, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? But I eat capers on shit. Okay.
All right.
I don't know if this audience understood. We got about 45% there.
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Chapter 8: What unique talents does Reed Conklin showcase during the episode?
They've actually never been better.
They're texting their friends back. They're making their beds in the morning. They do have trouble reaching orgasm, but that's okay. I'm just kidding. Don't worry. It's still super easy to make them cum. I don't know.
I don't know. Wow. She's better than you. She's better than you. Fuck you, dude.
That's the score. Yeah. We see who wears the funny pants in this relationship. Your boyfriend's out here talking about, oh, the turkeys are blushing. And you're just out here crushing.
This is incredible.
Esther Pavitsky.
You guys are a cool comedy couple. Like I'm impressed. I think this could work. You could stay together.
Are you rooting for us? Yeah, I'm rooting for you. No, that was really funny. That was really fun. And I liked how it was long and like it kept going and taking different directions, but all one bit. Like that's hard to do. That was really good. Yeah. Jews are really good at stretching something out when they have it. Getting their money's worth. A lot of bang for your buck, you know what I mean?
So I'm going to ask the question that your boyfriend somehow has never asked. Are you any relation to Jeffrey Epstein? No, I wish. No. So do I. That'd be so sick. That'd be a great interview. Yeah. Where are you originally from? Maryland. Maryland. Yeah. Okay.
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