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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Mama, we made it. You're here at Kill Tony. How we doing tonight, huh? Brought to you by Zip Recruiter and Shopify. Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez. This is D Madness on the bass guitar.
John Dees on the keys and Sean Greenberg joining us on the electric guitar tonight for the first time ever. So much fun stuff planned. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Oh boy, here we go. Where do I begin? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of the man who people are saying is the 2024 Guest of the Year, the return of one of the great comedians from New York with a brand new special coming out, and the greatest skateboarder of all time. I present to you Harlan Williams, Tony Hawk, and Ian Ferdinand!
Let's go! Harlan Williams!
Tony Hawk.
Oh my God. Oh shit. Yeah. Kill Tony. Ian Fidance's special wild, happy, and free out April 21st at YouTube slash BeAnIanPod. Welcome back, Ian. How are you? Hey, all right. I'm happy to be here, Tony. Thanks for having me. Fuck yeah. The great and powerful Tony Hawk's first appearance on the show.
Thank you.
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Chapter 2: What are the key highlights of Ian Fidance's comedy special?
And... You're Greg Mucinex. And I was just back there, heir to the Mucinex fortune. I was fucking falling apart.
Thank God, Jesus Josh, he came and he literally, quite like Christ, picked me up.
Yeah. I'm not sure they knew who Christ was. That was good that you put it in context. Did it again. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's him. That's where you would hit it.
Chapter 3: How does Tony Hawk feel about his first appearance on the show?
There you go. Oh, there you go. Good stuff with the volume down. But just ready to... Ready to get into my... Head into my 40s with a... With a... Just... With a stomach full of ambition and a heart full of gold.
There you go. I'm only 29, so... Can I just say... I've got time to go.
Can I just say the obvious about those eyes that I think everyone's kind of dancing around? Yeah. Guy, be honest. About 20 minutes ago, were you deep-throating someone?
I don't have to answer that. You don't have to answer that. And in 20 minutes, do you want to be? But you have made your eyes very, very pretty. Maybe perhaps you could help Harlan's sister figure out what to do post-op.
You know, I am this close, this close to grinding a P.F. Chang lettuce wrap into your clit.
Whoa. Someone knows how to get me fucking hot and heavy. I love that. P.F. Chang. All right. Casey, you're an unbelievable way to start the show. What a special treat. Every goddamn week. Creative, wild. We love you. There he is.
The regular.
Casey Rockett. And now, and only now, do we go to the bucket. This is where anything can happen and fucking chaos ensues. We all meet people all at the same time and it's all fucking wild. This is where we found all of our talents. It's where we found all the psychos. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted by your first bucket poll of the night. Bald Mike, here we go. Bald Mike.
How we doing, Mothership? Yeah, we keeping it right, huh? All right, well, yeah, they call me Bald Mike. It's not because I have cancer. I ain't dying, don't worry. I just got a little alopecia, you know what I mean? A little bit of that Jada Pinkett. And it's come in handy sometimes. I got it when I was young, so I had, like, patches of hair, and it got all frizzy. It looked horrible.
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Chapter 4: What is the significance of the bucket poll in this episode?
I honestly, like two years ago is when I started having these dreams and they just kind of started like showing up more and more. You can't describe it at all? I can describe the hell out of it. It's insanely specific and consistent from day to day. Okay, what is it? From dream to dream.
So, I mean, there's like a city part and then there's like a forest part and then like the city has all sorts of crazy shit. There's this really big oval building that's got multiple floors and it's got like trees in the middle of it. Oh, this is terrible. All right, here's a little joke book. There you go. Helena, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Oh my God. Holy shit.
It's a fucking psych ward here tonight. Oh yeah, you know what we should do? We should get one of our regulars up here. Do a complete reset. Following Helena, ladies and gentlemen. What a position to be in. I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.
I was taking the shit, and I just ran up here. I'm out of breath. I'm tired. We gonna make it happen, or this is gonna be good. I've been around a lot of white people for a year now. I've been in Austin for a whole year. A whole year, dawg, and y'all changed how I think about shit. That's how I think about everything. Like, I used to steal shit when I was a kid. I used to steal a lot of shit.
And now when I see something I could steal like a whore, I could buy it and then write it off on my taxes. That's how y'all steal. Y'all steal smart. Y'all steal from the government, you know what I'm saying? That's smart as shit. Like, you was like, I used to break houses. I used to break houses when I was a kid. Now I see a house and I go, ooh, that house probably got great equity.
You get what I'm saying, nigga. You not laughing, but you get it, bitch. My homeboy can't leave the state of Florida because he has a P.O. officer and he got arrested for a lot of bullshit and it hurt my heart. He can't leave, that's my nigga and I love him. Not like that, not no gay shit, but that's my dog and I love him. You feel what I'm saying?
And I love him, but I wanted to leave the state and his P.O. officer, he couldn't leave the state of Florida. He said he couldn't leave. When she told him that, you know what I'm saying, it hurt my heart because I was like, that's my dog. But y'all side of me was like, well, if you wasn't doing bad shit, nigga, You could leave the state of Florida. Funny face.
Motherfucker. Unbelievable. Wow, he just got his own diploma. Night school meet night school. This is incredible. Wow. I fucking loved that set, Cam Patterson. Absolutely incredible. You're talking about stuff that is so up your alley. Your true perspective. You used to steal shit. That's just fucking hilarious all the way. Because it is true. The write-offs and everything.
The more you learn about that shit, the more it is incredible.
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Chapter 5: What are the wildest college experiences shared by the guests?
Yeah, I think so. They have that out here, right? We've got the real stuff in Arizona. Oh, it's a sponsor. Just kidding. I love it. I don't even smoke actual delicious, perfectly fine marijuana anymore. Once Joe Rogan started drug testing us here at the Comedy Mothership, I switched to 18 Delta. And I love it. Me too.
Chapter 6: How do the comedians discuss their experiences with drugs and college life?
Yeah, it's good.
You should try 19 American Airlines. That stuff's really good. I'll tell you. You could sit the fuck down immediately.
Yeah, sir, sit down. You just fucked up that American Airlines joke.
You know, my teacher, that would have worked, and then this fucking guy. Ma'am, if you could spin your head around like a baby owl.
LAUGHTER
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Chapter 7: What humorous insights are shared about personal trainers and celebrity workouts?
Sir, if you could close your legs, it smells. Wow.
No, I mean, this guy's legs are wider than Sharon Stone at a Spread Eagle concert. Oh, my goodness. You are just flexing some of Don Reinblatt's best teachings on us. I fucking love you, Harland Williams. So much fun. Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Sean, because there's a lot of crazy behind those eyes.
I know you keep it together pretty well, but tell us the like the really in real life, the wildest thing about you. The wildest thing about me in college.
Chapter 8: What comedic stories emerge from the audience interactions?
So I was super Christian growing up, as I said in my set. Super what? Christian, very Christian, right? Very, you know, I didn't smoke or drink in high school. And then I went to college, and I tried weed for the first time, and that shit's good. Wow, thank you. World's worst undercover cop, ladies and gentlemen. I'll tell you. That shit's good. Anybody have any? My goodness, I love weed.
That shit is good, am I right? Does anybody have a felonies worth amount?
Yeah.
That dope, it really is. Anyways, I tried weed, and that was really a gateway for me. I threw my life away after that. No, my wife, I can't throw her away. She's too strong. No, I threw away a full Ray Trax. I got kicked out of college pretty quickly for fighting, smoking weed in my dorm room.
What was the first thing? Fighting. Oh, fighting. Yeah, Loyola, Marymount. Fuck those guys. Right, yeah. Is that by Cream Cheese Maryland? Okay.
And then I got in trouble for stealing, and I got a bunch of community service on the Caltrans freeways. Just from smoking weed? Well, no, it was a bunch of things. I had actually stolen $16,000 worth of groceries from Albertsons.
How the fuck? Was that in one trip? No, it was many trips, dude. It was many trips. Because of the munchies? Wait a second. How much did you steal? $16,300 is what they had me for. How does this happen? What kind of fucking meat heist is going on over here? Salmon on me, boys! We only have a few days. We have to eat.
Yeah, that's right. I was Robin Hood of the dorms, dude. I was just stealing stuff for everybody. Every single week, I would just go... I went to college on a track scholarship, right? And I had really no concept of the real world because I had left this bubble I grew up in.
And I sort of thought that anything I wanted to do, I could do. Like, I had a journal I wrote in it. The only thing... Gay! All right, go ahead. Can I write gay on your forehead? Okay, go ahead. I saw a guy... It's crazy because lots of things can stop you, not just fear. Like freeway meth, which is what stopped me. You tried it?
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