Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.
Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever.
ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everyone?
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And how loud can, I mean, it's the real deal. What can I say? It is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh yeah. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Wow. Every once in a while, you know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that, sometimes I find guests that day. This one has been on my calendar for a while, and it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one. And you are here for his debut as a panelist on Kill Tony.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, especially starting at the Comedy Store, this is Comedy Store royalty. He is, undisputedly, one of the greatest comedians of all time. He is the first comedian to ever, ever sell out an arena.
Woo!
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Chapter 2: What happens during the introduction of Andrew Dice Clay?
This is a test. A very exciting moment for me because Tony's been asking me since day one and, you know, can I tell him what I used to think the show was? Yeah. I used to think that he was doing this show about murder. You know, like you see on TV with the, you know, I'm not into that. I would tell him I'm into stand-up, and he goes, no, it's just the name of the show, Dice.
So I figured it out now. 11 or 12 years later, you found out that it wasn't about murdering people.
Let me tell you something, Tony, one thing. There are no two Dice fans anywhere in the world, anywhere, that would ever argue going, oh, what college you think Dice went to?
Just never going to happen. Well, you do know about stand-up, and that's why we are here. Over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show. They have no idea who the guest is or is going to be, so when they turn around after doing a minute, they're going to be looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay.
Now, you don't know what that's like to have to look at you after doing a set, but let me tell you, this person's inside. That's interesting. So our first bucket pool will come from the inside. We're going to watch people do 60-second sets. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony with Andrew Dice Clay? We're going to start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. To kick things off tonight, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are a big fan of the show? Woo!
But then you'll be happy to know, kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only, this is Cam Patterson, everyone.
All right, so listen. So usually on the show, I come out and I talk about places I don't like. That's what I do. People understand that. People think it's funny. But when I talk about where people are from, some people don't enjoy that. And I'm going to tell you, my worst place that I hate the most in all of America is Rochester, New York, right? That place can get blown to smithereens.
Fuck that place. And three weeks ago on Kill Tone, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in. I'm going to read to you, and this is what it said. He said... He said, suck a dick. You pussy, fuck wherever you from. I'll smoke your dads in your face. I'm going to translate that for white people now because a lot of y'all look confused.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of Andrew Dice Clay's debut on the show?
He just understands performance. What's that? No, like, you know yourself, like a lot of comics will just come and they'll stand and just do that. You walk out of, let's say, at the comedy store in two minutes. He works the room. He works the stage. He's a true, true performer.
It is amazing. Natural. Very natural. Since day one, it was always like that.
Making me want to cry and shit, man. I appreciate that, man.
Hell yeah. I'm a thug. I don't cry, but that's made me... I'm happy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester that messaged you.
Now, the funny is, I sent it to my home, but I sent it to my dog, my dog, Liam, my brother. You know what I'm saying? He'll be outside and shit. How did you have the dog ready that quick? He don't even... We big dogs around here, nigga, but I sent him a dog limb, right? It sounded like a little dog. It sounded like a chihuahua.
Yeah, what was that?
There it goes, yeah, yeah. Soldier, ah, yeah. All right. Yeah, real, real... What the fuck was that? All right. But I sent it to my homeboy, Liam. I sent him a picture. I sent his Instagram and shit. And then it was a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram. And my dog just said, shit, like she tired of you, little bro. What's her cash shop? I had that bitch in Florida by Saturday.
Why would you send the poor innocent guy that DM'd you something, you sent his profile off to your gang?
Fuck that nigga, yeah, man.
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Chapter 4: How does the audience react to the performances?
And I had some stuff taken out. You know, through the years.
What's the thing you don't need? Testicles.
The gallbladder? The gallbladder. See, she's like a dog. She's medical. You had the gallbladder taken out? Yeah. Okay. I gave the guy cash. I got no problems with your gallbladder.
But yeah, to have the guts to come out here and just, I saw you were nervous. I get it. I was nervous coming out. I've never done Kill Tony, but you did a great job.
You should be proud of yourself. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Let me ask you this, Misty. You're on the hunt for a kidney. How much longer do you have? Give us a timeline. How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you?
Well, the list right now is six and a half years long.
Oh. He's right. So six and a half years. And what are we talking about? What type of bubbles are you at? How filled up is the toilet after you pee?
Oh, it's bad. It's bad, huh? It's bad.
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Chapter 5: What are the contrasting views on weight loss treatments?
A hypocrite because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health.
Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Right now. You can put it right here, doc. Put it right... You said 40 pounds in two months? Both sides. Put it on both...
Lost a bit of weight, but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big, as you can see, and they rub together when I walk. So because of the friction, they're very dark in the middle. Super black right here. Don't look away, Tony. Very black. Super black in the middle. Uh...
When I say black, y'all these thighs could have marched with Dr. King. Just black as shit. I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport. I said, oh my God. I want to hear more about the black thighs. Let her go. I'm sorry, that was the time limit. Do you have more black thigh stuff? Keep going.
Go for it.
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Chapter 6: How does personal experience shape views on relationships?
My last one, this is my closer. It says, I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport from a nigga. A breath of fresh air. Candace August has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. I can't tell whether you're great or the rest of the show is sucked that bad. Dice was just reminding us. We don't know what's bad until we just got word Dante is back.
Holy shit, Andrew Dice. Hi. I'm sorry.
I didn't look over. Hi. It's okay. Hell yeah. Look at that.
Oh, my God.
I didn't mean to interrupt you. Sorry, Tony. Go right ahead.
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Chapter 7: What challenges arise from past relationships?
No, it's great. You killed.
How long have you been doing stand-up?
11 years. 11 years. 11 years. All of it in Atlanta, or how long have you... Houston or Atlanta? Which one is it here? Come on. Yes, one more. One more Black City. Somebody said it. Really? It's New Orleans? DC.
Oh, yeah.
DC makes sense. So I started in DC, and then I moved to New Jersey. So I did New Jersey, New York. And then I most recently just came from the Tampa comedy scene. I love it. And now you live here? Now I live. Just moved here like a month ago. That's fantastic. Thank you. This is exactly where you belong. You are in the right place at the right time. I love it.
And you were a bigger girl before, really?
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Chapter 8: How does the conversation reflect on identity and culture?
How much weight did you lose? Yeah, I've lost like about 68 pounds. Wow, hell yeah. Red band, come on. What's going on over there? Red band. Sir. It's red band over here. Oh, my goodness. I expected it. I expected it. Yeah. His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate when he falls asleep at night. Yeasty. Falls asleep with milk duds on his lap, this fucking guy.
Love it, Candice. So how about for a job? How long have you been answering customer service calls? I actually do do phone sales. God damn it. Can you tell by my voice? Absolutely. I love it. You do. You have a lovely, lovely voice. Thank you. Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the rest?
Yeah, they're very darker. In the middle from the friction, yeah, they're darker. That happens for sure.
Is that a thing?
Oh, yeah.
Red Band with the assist. Thank you, sir.
Absolutely.
Our senior big thigh correspondent, Brian Red Band. Absolutely incredible, Candice. I love your energy. Did you move here alone? You got a man? I have a husband. Yeah. How long have you two been together?
We just got married. 2-3-2-3. So February 3rd, 2023.
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