Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Spider-Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Get over here, Tony. It's Claire!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Come on. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Chorizo, Chalupa, Huevos Rancheros. We got the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar tonight.
Lacking vitamin D. Speaking of D, on the bass guitar, that is indeed D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, what a show we have lined up for you guys on this beautiful Monday evening. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Here we go, you guys ready to start tonight's show?
This is Kill Tony, brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, PrizePix, and Takovas. Every single week, I book two of the best guests humanly possible.
What I love about this show tonight is that this is a booking of two of my favorite guests of the year, two of my favorite guests, people that came through on the clutch for me when the entire world was against me immediately after a specific event at Madison Square Garden. that I did last year.
I don't bring it up very often, but I'm bringing it up now because a lot of people canceled that night. A lot of people wanted to stay away. And these two comedy fucking warriors are like, let's go. Throw me in. I'm down for you. Even when it's dark, I'm down to play with Tony Hinchcliffe. And they are back. Here with huge projects selling out around the country.
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Chapter 2: Who are the special guests introduced in this episode?
I don't want to... It wasn't a whole lot of homeless people, though. It wasn't that many where I was at. Like, right there by the club. Fentanyl might have cleared their mouths.
Yeah, Portland's an absolute crazy fucking place.
It's terrible. Yeah, it wasn't that bad where I was at. I didn't really do no research. I didn't really drive around looking for crackheads or nothing, you know?
Fun fact about Portland. My agent told me this. It's a fun fact. He thought that I would find it interesting. Last week, he told me that there's a theater there that books comedians that makes, still to this day, mandatory that you're vaccinated for COVID if you want to get into this theater. So you could sit around a bunch of people to get sick five times a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But at least you... feel like you did something.
I did that. The other thing, they have the sign language lady. And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set. And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people. It's very liberal there.
It's very liberal. I feel like the police in Portland lock their doors when they see black people.
Hey, the show, she was there on Saturday. As soon as I got on the stage, I was like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. She was just doing all kinds of shit with her hands. Wow. She just stopped at a point.
She was calling the police and sign language.
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Chapter 3: What challenges do comedians face in their careers?
All right, David. Well, way to get the show started. You did it. That was a new 50 seconds from David Jolly. And it has begun. Here we go. All right, let me just say, we don't need to shake everybody's hand as we go off. It's good that you did it with David. You know David, but... It was an opportunity to do our cool black handshake together. Let's see it. Now I want to see it. Let's do it. Wow.
Oh, shit. Wow. All right, David, there you go. Appreciate it. There you go. There he goes, everybody.
David Jolly.
All right. Oh, my God. You know what that sound means? The lovely Heidi has arrived. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Old car horn indeed. All right. Your first bucket pool, people. This is where it goes down. This is where stars are born and idiots are found. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. Your first bucket pool of the night is Joseph Paul Alampi, everybody. Joseph Paul Alampi. Here we go.
I would exterminate those bugs like I was in the party in the 1940s. For room and board, of course.
That's a callback. Okay. Let's give it a round of applause for Mary. Everybody, Mary! Mary!
Mary!
Oh, hi there.
Oh my God. This is a different sort of ship. Holy fuck, this guy. I'm Mary. Sometimes the aliens talk to me in my sleep or when I'm awake, et cetera, et cetera.
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Chapter 4: How does the host interact with audience members?
He's out here taking chances.
That is true. It was not a good one. Very positive. Very positive analysis of what just happened here.
Yeah, but this is like one of those chances where you fuck a hooker with no condom and get a disease, you know?
Okay, all right. So let's just, Joseph, stick with me over here. Over here, Joseph, you ready? So you've been doing it a year. Give me a joke that you prepared for tonight, like something that you would do, like where you're like, all I have to do is say this like this, and this will work. What was something that you had in your head, on your hand, written, anything? What do you got there?
Because you didn't do any of that on your hand, did you? Oh, my God, you have so much shit. You have writing all over your hand, and you did nothing. You said, wow, look, there's a band.
Can I read one?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let Joseph fucking say. What do you think the best joke that you... Well, I just have stories or whatever, like cat piss girl. What does that mean? So cat piss girl, I didn't have sex. I still haven't sex. Right now I haven't sex. So I didn't have sex for like two years, and I moved to Tampa. Uh-huh.
And so I was talking to this girl outside for like a half hour and I believe she was intoxicated. Joseph. Yeah. Keep going. Okay, sorry. You're so desperate for a laugh that like somebody sneezing in the crowd throws you off like, is that a laugh? You're like pausing for shit. There's nothing happening here. You have to hit something for it to be funny. So we went up to her room to fuck.
She starts blowing me. Except the smell of ammonia made my dick go soft.
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Chapter 5: What humorous story involves two fat cats?
Yeah.
Uh-huh. We went to his house. Oh. Yeah. And two fat cats he had. What? Two fat cats.
Two fat cats.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
One's really gay.
Very good. Okay.
Yeah.
And then... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So what did you guys do with the two fat cats? Just tried to not eat them the entire time?
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Chapter 6: How does gaming influence the conversation?
I'm going to switch.
I'm going to be a Toadstool. What character are you on Mario?
Waluigi. Waluigi. Ah, very good. Waluigi. Waluigi.
Why do you go with Waluigi?
Well, it's... Yeah. Waluigi looks like... Waluigi looks like Tony a little bit.
Oh, are you making fun of me? Everyone's taking shots. All I do is help everybody, and everybody comes, oh, this lady's shooting imaginary guns at me. This lady in the front row is like... What the fuck is going on here? I'm getting fireballs.
Fireballs.
Shut the fuck up. Now you want to cheer. All right. Kansai Yasuda, we're going to miss you so much. Have you guys seen Kansai around town?
I've never seen you before. I think you're great.
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Chapter 7: What was the significance of the ramen discussion?
I eat ramen, the Korean ramen.
The Korean ramen.
Yeah, I cook it with my black friend. Whoa.
What's in the ramen?
Sausage. Sausage?
Sausage. Sausage? Wow, I lived 40 fucking years. I never heard it called that. Sausage. Sausage. God damn. That is fucking sausage. Sausage. Wow.
Sausage. Sausage. Sausage.
Try it like this. Try it like this. Go. Sausage. I eat sausage. I love sausage.
I love ramen. Sidge. Sausage.
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Chapter 8: How does the conversation shift towards personal anecdotes?
I love sage.
Just say sidge.
Sidge.
Sidge.
Sidge.
No, no. No, you don't have to make it Italian. You don't have to make it Italian. Just because I extra Asian everything with you doesn't mean you need to Italian it with me. So try this. Just watch me. Watch me. Go sidge. Sidge. Now go... Now go sausage. Sausage. Nah, it's still a little sage.
You're trying to make it an A. Let's stick with an I here, even though it is an A and a U, but it sounds like an I. Sausage. Sausage. No, no, not sausage. Sausage. Let's try it one more time. Watch me, watch me. Sidge, sidge, sausage. Sausage. Do it, do it. It's the noise at the end. Sausage, yeah. No, just... Sausage. So Asian.
Sausage. His eyes are getting smaller.
Sausage, yeah. It's hard. Okay, let's try it in a full sentence. Waluigi ate lots of sausage. Waluigi ate a lot of sausage. God damn it, Kansai Yasuda. We love you, Kansai. You're killing it. Enjoy Canada. We'll see you soon. Thank you. One of the top Young Rising stars on the show. That is indeed Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We're going to keep, what? Yeah, he's great.
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