Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Fred Beck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over here. Tony, let's go!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Come on! Oh my God, we've done it again. You are here. How you guys feeling tonight? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Netflix, ladies and gentlemen. Where this upcoming Monday, January 12th, Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas, airs only streaming on Netflix. So we won't be on YouTube next week. We are only on Netflix.
How cool is that, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Matt Muehling on guitar tonight, playing a Matt Muehling signature guitar from John Page Guitars. That's John D's on the keys. And believe it or not, that is the real D Madness live in the flesh.
The Kill Tony Band single, Pandemonium, out now on Spotify and everywhere where music is played. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th.
Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know... I love living here in Austin, Texas, and I just get to work with my friends every week.
This is one of those episodes where truly two of my best friends in the world are on tonight's panel. Austin Zone, make some fucking noise for Joe Rogan and Shane Gillett. damn motherfucking right ladies and gentlemen yeah we are here Shane Gillis doing the Lincoln Financial Field aka Eagles motherfucking football stadium July 17th yeah yeah go to that
And Joe Rogan of the JRE, the number one show around the world. These are the homies. Normally we get to hang out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, some Thursdays, but tonight we are here on a fucking Monday, getting the week started right. How we feeling, gentlemen?
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Chapter 2: What details are shared about the Kill Tony show?
I don't need to put it on. And rocket money. Rocket money. When the deal's up in two years, I might have to put this back on again. But for now, we good. All right, what else you got over there? Well, we got, and then we got, I got something special for Red Band. Oh. I got you a lean cuisine, because you're fat. There you go.
You're a fat guy.
This is going so much better than your set. This is incredible. Could you pass this down to him?
Sure.
He actually ate it already.
Of course there's nothing in it fatty. But if you tear it up properly, it actually turns into a lean cuisine yarmulke. Okay, what else, Jack? Good idea. I should talk to you more. Okay. And then for our favorite Latino members of the band, I got you citizenship to the United States of America. Wow.
Wow.
Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Michael Gonzalez, you are Americans! Wow. Absolutely incredible. How many gifts do you have left over there? Pretty much for everyone in the audience. Okay. And then, John Dees, I got you something. I didn't really know what to get you, but Hans Kim told me to get you a bike lock so you could practice stealing. Wow. Look at that. That's for you.
Okay. We'll take care of that later. What else do you got there, Jack? Okay. Matt Mewling, I heard that you're a big liberal.
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Chapter 3: How do the guests interact with the audience?
I'm going to wear it like a cape and fly away. That thing. It's a flag. You gotta treat it like it's the Iranian flag. I don't know what that means.
It means that it'll kill you if you leave it on the ground.
Oh! Okay.
Gotta fold it properly.
Yeah. I'll give it. Oh, no. Sorry, I'm panicking. I am fully panicking. You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. It's going to end up in a dumpster next to a Kill Tony Yamaka later, so it's all good. Dude, I spent $20 on that. Uh-oh. I really thought you'd like it, Tony. No, it's great. It's great. I really do. I'm just making jokes, Jack, unlike you during your set tonight. Oh.
His new getter done is, that didn't go how I expected it to.
Have you ever thought about doing props? Yeah, right now. I think you should. I was talking to Carrot Top about this, because it's kind of crazy that he's the only guy that does props now. When I first started out, there was a lot of prop comics. It was a common thing. But Carrot Top got so big that the upcoming people thought they would be stealing if they started doing props.
But I think it's a legitimate idea for you. This was like way funnier than the other stuff. It's very clever. You're very clever.
You didn't like the rocket money joke? It was okay.
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Chapter 4: What happens during the bucket segment?
You did good, Jack. Thank you for all the gifts. D Madness, those are googly eyes. If you're wondering what's going on. It's good. Keep that trans flag away from D Madness or else he's going to light on fire. Famous homophobe, D Madness. Okay, that's your first comedian of the night. But now we go to the bucket where, believe it or not, it's usually more insane.
So we're going to see what happens here. Your first bucket pool tonight. Make some noise for Kojak, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then an interview.
Hey, people keep asking me why I did Jake Paul dirty in the sixth round. I was like, come on, bro. I'm not even British. Stop playing.
I do like boxing, though. Rest in peace to George Foreman, boxing legend. Died a couple months ago. You guys know George Foreman? Notably known for naming all his kids George Foreman, even the girls. But also the George Foreman grill. I'm sure you all had a George Foreman grill, right?
I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Foreman grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floydman grill. It's sort of like the George Foreman grill, but you got to press down extra hard to get the grill marks. Call me Kojak Kaepernick out this bitch. I'm just...
I expected the grill marks to say BLT, but it ends up saying BLM, and I'm just like, what the fuck?
That's what I get for, I used to counterfeit 20 to pay for it, so I guess that's what I get.
All right, thank you, that's my time, thank you. Kojak, ladies and gentlemen. George Floydman Grill, look at that. Welcome, Kojak, how long you been doing standup?
Four years, once we opened, as soon as you opened this, about three years.
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Chapter 5: What humorous moments happen when discussing relationships?
You have to, is it inside or are you pulling out? That's a really good question. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Every answer is bad. Let's go.
She was on birth control. Oh, wow. Oh, my God.
Cream pie. Special delivery, daddy. It's a fake cannoli. It's not actually a cream pie.
Chapter 6: How do the hosts react to Diamond Debbie's stories?
It's a vegan cannoli. Some poor guy. Poor guy eating her out later.
She comes home from the bar, he goes... How is your night? Salty.
Yeah. Italian?
Yeah. Tastes like... Tastes like dairy-free Alfredo. Wow. My God. Mountain house meal. Absolutely incredible.
That's an evil world.
Evil world.
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Chapter 7: What insights are shared about the challenges of stand-up comedy?
Wife's been pied by a wop at the bar. Does the husband know about you? Did the husband ever find out? This is the billion dollar question.
I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't involved. How the fuck do you know?
I went to her house a few times. Whoa. Did they have kids? No, no kids. No kids. But they got back together, she told you, and you haven't banged since. They did not get back together. They didn't get back together, but she was still married. Okay. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different thing. Kind of a happy ending. So then why would you... So... I don't really get it.
She tells you that... She's fun, Tony. Can't you just let a girl have fun?
Yeah, Tony.
Why do you want to stomp out all the crazy people in this world and make everything fucking boring? No, I just don't understand. Let her fuck the guy at work. I hope she yelled at you to come inside. I have no more questions, Your Honor. Did she yell?
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Chapter 8: How does the episode conclude with audience engagement?
Tell us. Tell me, there's no point in here.
I need to hear shit like this.
Come on, Paisan. What was her nickname for you? There was no nickname. Yeah, there was. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, this guy.
What was the name of the bar that you guys were banging at? Don't ruin everyone's life. You're so evil. Tyler, the set was for four months, pretty good. The interview, un-fucking-believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go, my friend. Tyler Cole, a hell of a catch. Hell of an interview, very honest. Remember, you future Kill Tony bucket pulls, we love an honest interview.
Some people get scared. All right, this looks like a new name. This looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Diamond Debbie, everybody. Here comes Diamond Debbie. Oh, my God. Let's fucking go. Guys, you got to do better than that. Make some noise for Diamond Debbie, ladies and gentlemen.
Old blue haired ladies, we know things. By this age, I know when I had too much to drink. And like you youngins, these diapers leak, y'all. I was a single mom with an only child, and I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either. If only I'd had a litter, surely one of them would have failed at life and wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about the T word?
We had that T word back in the 60s, y'all. Tomboy. Most of us grew out of it. The rest became y'all's gym teachers. Well, I was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean, the nursing homes. But, you know, the competition's pretty stiff. There are women outlive men. And there's a lot of Debbies in there, I'm telling you.
But by now, even the guys with dementia, after four or five times, they got it figured out. I'm not Debbie with the pop-out plate. Nah, not me. They can see me coming. They just call me, oh, Bluetooth. Well, that's it.
LAUGHTER
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