Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hello, do you see me? England?
London? It's me, the young king, here with the prime rib minister, Brian Redman, inviting you to the lovely O2 Arena for one night only, June 7th. That's enough. It's enough. Too much sauerkraut for your hat. Get in front of the sign, you buffoon. That's why you're not true royalty. Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world, because we're pure-blood Americans.
We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English, to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But... We are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th. Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And we'll see you there. For royalty waits for no one.
Somebody put on some Elton John. Oh, you too?
Oh, oh, oh. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
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Chapter 2: What announcements are made about upcoming shows?
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? And that is the best damn band in the land. The great Carlos Sosa over there on horns. Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo. Nachos Belgrande. Belvita Chalupa. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike. He gets a little bit bigger every week.
That is the mutilator Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Deese is back on the keys. He's been on tour, crushing it, and on bass tonight, joining us with perfect vision. The man can see. This is Nick Lewis joining the band tonight. D-Magnus with a very rare night off. How much fun is this? We are here. We are live. So exciting.
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, then let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another one guest episode. And that means that that means that I think that there's enough action packed in this one solitary guest that we're going to have the goddamn time of our lives.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest guests in the show's history. We haven't been able to get him on. since before the pandemic, because he's a global, international superstar. And it ain't easy booking these people on a Monday night, but we got him tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world currently on a global, huge fucking tour. Make some noise for one of my favorite comedians. This is Jimmy Carr, everybody. and their feet are correct. Those are good fans. Yes. The great Jimmy Carr is back on Kilton. The American tour, Australia, New Zealand, and Europe. Jimmy Carr with 2Rs.com.
The man, the myth, roast god, super comedian. And when him and I get together, we tend to have what we would call a hoot nanny. Well, yes, indeed. It's an honor and a privilege for you to have me here. We're going to have fun. Jimmy, you know the show very well. And over 230 comedians signed up for the chance to be here tonight. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We have a lot of fun. We meet them all together. This is going to be great. This is cause for celebration.
One third of the horn section are in remission.
It is incredible.
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Chapter 3: Who is the guest comedian introduced in this episode?
That seems like that's what you would do.
We were all thinking it. I'm glad you said it.
Do you sweat like this while you're driving? Not really, but... You seem so happy. Are you happy? Yes. Okay. What else brings you joy, Solomon? What else makes you happy in this world?
I might have the wrong settings on my Uber. I might have it to quiet. Yes.
What makes you happy, Solomon? It's a pretty easy question. What brings you joy? Do you like square dancing, perhaps?
Square dancing?
Yeah.
No, I don't know.
You can say anything. You can name anything.
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Chapter 4: What unique experiences does the guest share about their life?
Housewife, very good. Yeah, she has to listen to what your dad tells her to do. Am I correct?
Sometimes. Okay.
All right. What's your favorite thing about being an American, Solomon? Just living the dream, Tony. That is, again, the correct answer. I was going to have you deported if you answered incorrectly there. Look at you. That is so interesting. You must do something for fun here in Texas. What do you do when you're not Ubering and trying comedy?
I actually am into fitness. I actually have to thank you all for... putting me on it. I used to be a... You're thanking us for getting you into fitness? Yes, Kill Tony, and it actually inspired me to do all this.
Red Band is part of Kill Tony. Are you aware that the green blob that I've worked with every Monday for 12 years, you're giving him credit for you going to the gym? He's never done any... He doesn't even walk anywhere. Relax, Tony. He's doing great.
LAUGHTER No, before COVID, I was a 300-plus pound alcoholic.
No way! Wow, how about that? That is incredible. Jimmy.
Now, fat people aren't notoriously funny. LAUGHTER Have you considered putting the weight back on? LAUGHTER
Look how much fun this guy's having up here. He's adorable. There's got to be something about it. There's something about this fucking guy. I can't quite put my finger on it. Solomon, you have any pets? No. No. You say that like you kick puppies.
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Chapter 5: What does Jimmy Carr think about trust in relationships?
Yeah. He knows where the click is. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely incredible.
Chapter 6: What is J.J.'s favorite type of woman?
That is a lot of trust a woman is putting in you. Big lips, soft seats. You know what I'm saying? Big lips, soft what? Seats. Seats. Yeah. For the click.
Chapter 7: How does J.J. describe his dating experiences?
You put the click there. Amazing, JJ. What's your favorite type of woman? What does your dream girl look like to you?
I really fuck with Asians hard.
Asian? Oh, my goodness. This is Red Band's territory. Red Band is our senior Asian correspondent. Perhaps you could show him how to find the click before you leave here. Um... And you've been with an Asian before? Yeah. Wow, look at the yes on that. That's like a guy that has his own goddamn Yakuza waiting for him back at home. Absolutely incredible.
And have you been with an Asian since you moved to Austin, Texas? No, no, no. So you haven't been with an Asian Texan yet? Not a Texan one. Wow. Where do you find these Asians that you tend to?
I was in Florida for a while, and I was stationed in the military, so that was really easy to do.
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Chapter 8: What happens when they call J.J.'s mom?
Philippines, you know what I'm saying? Right.
Yeah. You just put on your camouflage and hide in a bush. It was like, you got a green card, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Absolutely. What else do you do for fun? What else do you do for fun, J.J. ?
I mean, I'm a big movie person. I like watching movies. I go to the gym, of course.
I like walks and stuff. I like to be outdoors. When you say walks, that's W-O-K-S to get Asian women? Walks and shit.
I love it.
Very good. You really do love the Asians. That is one of their favorite things to cook in is a walk. Now, what's amazing about, you know, I never know, Bonsai, the great Adrian Cavazos, always has a different setup of books every single week. And this one is extra interesting tonight. There's four big joke books, and one just so happens to be absolutely jet black.
And it just seems to me only fitting, J.J. Curry, that you would get this one. It's a perfect fit. Jimmy? If there was any justice, it would be 1 8th white. The pages technically count. We're counting the pages here. It was a great set. Unbelievable. JJ, what's the longest set you've ever done before? 45 minutes. 45 minutes? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.
You just got booked on a real show here on Kill Tony. There he goes. J. J. Curry, ladies and gentlemen. And it goes on and on. We're having fun in here tonight. What an episode so far. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody. Make some noise for Ronaldo, everyone. Hey. Hey, how's it going? I'm gonna have some fun. You guys think about killing yourself? Anybody?
Okay, a couple honest people. That's cool. I think about it. I think about it. I don't know. I don't know if I'm gonna do anything about it, but I think about it. I think about suicide like I think about home renovation. I'm gonna do it eventually. But let's be honest. It would be a lot easier if I paid somebody to do it for me. Suicide's fun. Not fun. Interesting. Suicide's interesting.
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