Squatter's Rights
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What is the premise of the “Squatter’s Rights” episode and who are the hosts?
Step aside, I got a horror movie for you.
Obsession, back rooms, try pee in a toilet seat.
Welcome back to Petty Crimes, the only true crime comedy podcast that exclusively investigates non-crimes. Hi Kiki, how goes it?
Oh, it goes well.
Okay.
Okay.
It goes well. I'm in hell.
Hey, are we busy on set?
We're busy on set. We're about to go back to SNL. Oh my gosh,
right.
I'm going back, y'all.
Yes, she's going back into the fire.
I'm going back. I'm actually really excited.
Oh, what makes you excited about that? Because at this point, this is your fourth season? Fifth?
This is my fifth season.
Girl, what are you feeling now?
You know, it's really fun when you stop applying for the job every day and just start doing the job that you know you can do. And I get really excited to like give a new cast member a gift. And, you know, sometimes I give them big boxes of turd, make no mistake, but like... When you can hand them something good and go like, you got this. Yeah, welcome. It's really fun. Nice. And honestly, the first thing we do, the writers go back and we write commercial parodies, kind of like shake the dust off, meet the new writers. And when I start getting little ideas percolating, I start getting excited. I had this idea today for a non-profit that upcycles BBLs. Because you know how women... world they're all getting their bbls out like nobody wants their bbl anymore and it's like a dead serious like psa for a non-profit that upcycles bbls and makes them into playground equipment for children
that's really funny that's good and
then like imagine them having to build a playground out of like silicone humps
wait that's whole that's like oh my god your brain girl that's really funny that's good
You know, this is why you're my friend, Griff, because you like my cookie bad ideas.
I don't know. I mean, you know, I'm not at that table. I don't know what's good, what's not. Like, I'm not in the room, but that's really funny. Yeah, that's just, like, the point of SNL. It's like, let's talk about something that's going on in society, throw some
comedy
lenses on it, and,
like... Make it dumb. Have
fun. Totally. If it's up to me, it's going live. It's going live
on Saturday. Thank you. Thank you. See you Saturday night. Griff, what's going on with you?
Not too much at the time of this recording. This is my first official week in Los Angeles as a full-time artist. And so honestly, our cycles are kind of synced in that you're going into something super familiar and feeling charged by it. I'm actually going into this unfamiliar chapter for me. And so I've been describing it to my friends here in LA as like, I've got a lot of space around me and that feels good and
very fresh
and breathable. But also like, you know, when sometimes a room or like you move into an apartment and it's like, we got to put some furniture in here. It feels a little too spacious. Totally. But it feels right. And I once again, thank you, the petty criminals for helping us get here. And we
say thank you.
We say thank you. Anywho.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah. Life's good. Thank you. Let's get petty.
Let's do it. Griff, the theme of today's episode, submitted by a beloved listener, is a secret. A
secret. Okay.
The crime begins. Hi, Kira. Hi, Griff. This crime takes place in the Dakotas a few years back. Don't worry about it.
Okay.
What the hell? Started on the attack. For this story, you can call me Jane. Although you'll probably never have to actually use my name because the protagonist in this crime is a toilet. Oh, okay. Well, Jane, we actually do need to use your name because the submitter is not a toilet. Basically, they're just small satellite teams across many counties in the Dakotas. Okay. Yep. Jane says my department is made up of six women, including myself. Somewhat irregularly, the office space we rent is based in the back of a health care building. The front of the building is dedicated entirely to a community health center with exam rooms, optometry, dental services. And at the end of the main hallway where those exam rooms end, there's a smaller, narrow hallway that leads to the office suite in the back where my coworkers and I do our work.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the premise of the “Squatter’s Rights” episode and who are the hosts?
0:00–7:19
2
How does the mysterious bathroom vandalism first come to light in the office?
7:19–15:05
3
What clues do the hosts identify that point to a specific suspect?
15:05–22:01
4
How do the hosts and maintenance staff investigate the “wet room” mystery?
22:01–27:47
5
What solutions (bell, signs, email) are proposed to stop the bathroom abuse?
27:47–33:32
6
How does the team decide which signs to display and why are they eventually removed?
33:32–40:28
7
What verdict do the hosts reach about guilt and responsibility in the case?
40:28–46:20
8
What are the final take‑aways and upcoming “criminal or minimal” segments?
46:20–52:12