Tiff & The Turtle
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
She's going to be drinking nothing but White Claws and eating nothing but peanut butter and jellies. She doesn't even have a chair. Oh, God. Moira, you are not a reliable narrator.
Welcome back to Petty Crimes, the only true crime comedy podcast that exclusively investigates non-crimes.
Hello.
Welcome back, everybody. And Griff, can you tell us the nature of today's true, listener-submitted, anonymized petty crime?
Oh, right. A little teaser before we get into it to wet the palette. Music festival.
Oh, that's cool. We've had a concert petty crime for sure, but we've never been to a music festival.
We have not.
Well, Griff, you're midway through your summer. Do you have any festivals in front of you? What's the vibe? What's your midsummer checkpoint?
Honestly, Kira, I have a little confession to make.
Please.
I hosted a live petty crime show without you. crap are you talking about it was uh so i was trust me it wasn't a proper show but i went to a gay gathering on this gorgeous island in the thousand islands yes saw it on close friends yes oh yes you did and a handful of older gay gentlemen were very interested in me and they were asking me what i do i told them i'm a i have a podcast called petty crimes and i described it um as we do in our intro they didn't get it they just they didn't get it all And so what I did was I gave them a very basic criminal or minimal in the form of because we were at a party, criminal or minimal, a host of a party making their guests take off their shoes to go into the house.
Mm hmm.
I said that and Kira it for 45 minutes on the porch on this island. Too long.
What music-festival petty crime are the hosts introducing?
Great for a live show. Not great for it. Well, no, that's actually great. They went off. All it took was that simple question. Them being older gay guys, they had the funniest takes. They had the funniest anecdotes personally. And at the 45 minute mark or so, because I was genuinely enjoying the conversation, I go, that is petty crimes. You just recorded an episode of petty crimes. And they laughed and they just loved it. And it's a testament that everyone in the world, regardless of age, sexuality, gender, diversity, blah, blah, blah, is a little petty.
Yes. And not for nothing, it's about time I get replaced by an older gay guy.
No, girl. We need the balance. Trust me.
It's true. It's fair. It's good that we have two different perspectives.
Kira, very quickly, that was my little sharing. Since this is a music festival crime, what is, and you asked me this, I didn't answer sneakily, but what's the next concert you've got on the books? Or what's the last one you went to?
Okay, so I'm having a bit of a theater summer. I've been making a point. Anytime I have a friend with a show, I'm going to see their off-Broadway shows. Chloe Trost, going to see her off-Broadway show. Just saw Jane Wickline's off-Broadway show. Next concert on the books. You know, I just was thinking I'd love to go see Miss Ariana Grande.
Oh, girl, please take me with you.
But on the matter of music festivals, have I been? Yes, I have. I have been to Boston Calling.
Oh, right. I forgot. You know what? Let's hold it and let's get into the crime, shall we?
Let's. Let's.
This crime has been submitted to the Petty Crimes Court by someone we're going to be calling Moira.
Hello, Moira. Hello.
It occurred in 2015, a year after Kira and I, if you don't know, if you're new here, graduated from a certain college in Boston. Hello, criminal. Whoops, that's not the right one.
Griff's like court statement for his trial.
Strike it from the record. Hello, Kieran Griff. Thank you for being a highlight of my weekly commute. This podcast has single-handedly improved my mental health. So thank you for that. Kira. Wow.
Wow. Your mental health must have been bad.
This crime takes place over a month's time in 2015 ish between two countries.
Exciting.
I've decided to break this crime up into three parts, the set and build up the during and the after without further ado, which I've really delayed. Let's get into it.
I love calling the middle part of a crime the during.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–1:59
2
What music-festival petty crime are the hosts introducing?
1:59–13:27
3
How did Moira set up the road-trip conflict with Tiffany?
13:27–25:20
4
Why did Tiffany’s mother buy a rooftop cargo box (the “turtle”)?
25:20–35:24
5
What happened during the festival that made Tiffany unbearable?
35:24–48:10