DOJ Buries Epstein Files on Trump & Snowball Fight Turns MAGA Into Snowflakes | Christa Miller

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition 33 min 4 speakers 8 chapters transcribed
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What recent revelations have come from the Epstein files?

Desi Lydic 0:00
This episode is brought to you by Ninja Lux Cafe, the three-in-one machine that makes espresso, drip coffee, and cold brew.
Unknown 0:07
No barista skills required. You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news.
Desi Lydic 0:23
This is The Daily Show with your host, Desi Lydon.
Debbie Lydic 0:42
Hello, I'm Debbie Lydic. We've got so much to talk about tonight. The DOJ plays hide and don't seek with the Epstein Files. A snowball fight turns conservatives into snowflakes. And a new technology can analyze farts.

How did Bill Gates respond to allegations from the Epstein files?

Debbie Lydic 0:56
If you fart, which I don't. You did, just now. But first, let's get into our ongoing coverage of the very normal and not shady handling of the Epstein Files.
Unknown 1:11
It's pretty boring stuff.
Debbie Lydic 1:16
Since the Epstein Files dropped last month, creepy old men from every sector of society have fallen from grace, including one of the world's richest men, Bill Gates. Before the Epstein Files came out, we all just thought of him as Steve Jobs with no riz. Now we think of him as Steve Jobs with no riz from the Epstein Files. And now he's doing damage control.
Unknown 1:39
Bill Gates apologized to staff of the Gates Foundation Tuesday, admitting he made mistakes that cast a cloud on the philanthropy. He also acknowledged two affairs, but said they did not involve Epstein victims.

What are the implications of the Clinton testimonies regarding Epstein?

Debbie Lydic 1:51
I did have affairs, one with a Russian bridge player who met me at bridge events and one with a Russian nuclear physicist who I met through business activities. Okay, isn't going into this much detail with your staff a giant HR violation? Thank you, everyone, for hopping on this Zoom call. Let's touch base on who I've been f***ing. Okay, first Svetlana, and hoo boy, did we get freaky. Let's just say nothing was micro or soft. Thank you, thank you. By the way, I love how he's going out of his way to make sure people know how old the women were. I met her at Bridge. And then we went out to dinner at 4.30. We spent all night giving our social security numbers to a scammer on the phone. And then she leaned over to me and whispered, I'm not wearing any Depends.
Debbie Lydic 2:54
So we rode the stair lift all the way up to her bathroom and shared a romantic soak in her walk-in tub. He's not the only person trying to explain their ties to Epstein this week. You all remember Hillary Clinton, the former senator, secretary of state, and presidential nominee, and her husband, Bill, who pretends to write political thrillers with James Patterson? They've been facing tough questions about their connections to Epstein, and now we might get some answers. Secretary Clinton sat for a closed-door deposition in Chappaqua, New York. Tomorrow, it's former President Bill Clinton. Oh, another Clinton deposition. It's staggering to think about how much money lawyers have been paid because of Bill's penis.

How did a snowball fight escalate into a political controversy?

Debbie Lydic 3:39
His dick has a higher GDP than most nations. But maybe, maybe this is a signal that Congress is finally ready to hold everybody accountable.
Unknown 3:48
A former president's never been compelled to appear before Congress. Is this where this is all heading as of today? Well, we've never had a former president either this close to a convicted felon either. I mean, it's problematic.
Debbie Lydic 4:04
Yes, yes, we must hold these former presidents accountable. I mean, who knows what kind of former damage these former presidents could do with their former fingers on the former nuclear button. But obviously, they're not going to hold Donald Trump in for a deposition because, as you'll remember... I've been totally exonerated on Epstein. That's right. That's right. All the relevant... All of the relevant files have come out.

What new technology is being developed to track flatulence?

Debbie Lydic 4:33
There's nothing incriminating about Trump. And that's what all the files, which we've all seen Olive, have all said. So, I guess case closed. Nothing else to see here.
Unknown 4:45
the DOJ's release of the Epstein files is missing some very important and potentially explosive materials. As MSNOW reports, quote, the Justice Department has withheld notes and memos reflecting FBI interviews from its release of the Epstein files.
Desi Lydic 5:00
Materials about an unproven sexual assault accusation against President Trump.

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