GOP Wants Greenland Now, Fires Rage in LA, NYC Rages at Congestion Toll

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition 32 min 10 speakers 1 chapter transcribed
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Desi Lydic 1:42
It's the kind of nonsense no one should take seriously, but Trump said it, so I guess we're all doing this. It would be exciting if Greenland was part of the United States. I think that the people of Greenland should be honored. This to me could be Donald Trump's Louisiana purchase. Same size as the Louisiana purchase in square miles.
Guest 2:01
Greenland, strategisch macht es Sinn, weil es der Halbpunkt ist zwischen unserem Land und den USA. Also würde es Sinn machen, das für eure Ziele zu haben.
Desi Lydic 2:12
Yes. War purposes. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I guess we should annex any place that's halfway between us and somewhere else. This is just so sad. I know she's trying to be supportive, but you can tell even Ainsley thinks this is a bad idea. And this is a lady excited to marry Sean Hannity. Can you imagine how exhausting it is to treat every one of Trump's dumb ideas like it's a work of art? Oh, sweetheart, what a beautiful drawing. It looks like the Louisiana Purchase. I'm gonna put it on the fridge. But while the Pentagon draws up plans for a war against puffins, Trump is giving us a reminder about what his leadership looks like during times of crisis. Because while everyone else is deeply concerned with what's going on in Los Angeles right now, Trump is handling the tragedy like the statesman that he is.
Donald Trump 3:08
Donald Trump is now weighing in on the horrific fires in Los Angeles County and he's laying the blame on California's Democratic Governor. In a social media post, referring to the governor as news scum and writing, he is the blame for this.
Desi Lydic 3:27
In the midst of chaos, Donald Trump is taking action by opening up the strategic nickname reserves. Thank you, sir. Ich werde kommen. Even though we can't count on the incoming president, some people are stepping up. And it's always heartening to see everybody coming out to help their neighbors. And I do mean everybody.
Steve Carell 4:08
I wonder if I could just make. Here on Palisades Drive, if anybody has a car and they leave their car, leave the keys in the car. So a guy like me can move your cars and get them up there so that... So that these fire trucks can get up there. It's really, really important. Thank you for talking to us live, sir. What's your name? My name is Steve Guttenberg.
Desi Lydic 4:31
Holy shit! Steve Guttenberg? The actor Steve Guttenberg? Moving abandoned cars out of the way for firefighters? That is amazing. Not only that, but if anyone abandons a baby, he and two other men will raise it for them. Hijinks will ensue. Of course, as great as that is to see, officials are warning that now that the fire has reached Steve Guttenberg, it's only two degrees from Kevin Bacon. Now, if you're wondering why Trump isn't focused on helping Californians, it's because he's focused on the people who need him most, his insurrectionists.
Donald Trump 5:18
Trump didn't rule out pardons for those who were charged with committing acts of violence on January 6th, 2021. Are you planning to pardon those who were charged with violent offenses?
Desi Lydic 5:29
Well, we're looking at it. We'll be looking at the whole thing, but I'll be making major pardons, yes. Yeah, on the one hand it's absolutely shameful that Trump would pardon these rioters. But you have to remember, these people are his ride or dies. They stormed to the Capitol and they shat on a desk for him. No one's ever shat on a desk for me, not once. And I took out a Craigslist ad. For him it's all about loyalty. Plus he's going to need a personal army for when he invades Greenland. Those puffers aren't going to pepper spray themselves. Plus he also wants to give insurrectionists a little treat. They must have been so disappointed when January 6 came around this year and they didn't get the chance to riot. But for anyone out there who overprepared for this year's January 6, there are still some options for you.

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