TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
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What are the legal issues surrounding medical marijuana?
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast. Our next health story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self-prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive. But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than .0001% of American marijuana smokers.
The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes, is illegal, period, and has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling, long-haired, hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick. Seriously, they're sick and they need help. Robert McGinnis of the Family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana.
I don't deny that, you know, sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high. And when you get high, you feel better.
Robert McGinnis. Speaking out strongly and poorly against miracle marijuana. Medical marijuana. Which is a miracle. Now, the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's Even Steven. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth.
What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized? Yes. No. Yay!
The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an 80-year-old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people's suffering, Steven.
Far out, Steve. Groovy point, man. You're blowing my mind. Face it. You and your Dr. Dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a convenient case of glaucoma real soon.
This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro-people, not pro-pot. Oh, come on, Steve.
You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections. So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve. Where do you get your pot?
Steven, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm into wife swapping.
Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you?
Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine, let's. What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunk weed is just as ridiculous as if I said, hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners?
Would that idea appeal to you? I don't know, Steve. Would we be high? I don't know. Would you bring the dope? Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some.
You're not listening, Steven.
You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind bud. But we would be wife swapping this Friday. Have I made myself clear?
Clear as crystal, Steve, but let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed. Yes. Okay, that sounds perfect. Great.
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