Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
You're listening to comedy central.
Chapter 2: What is the War on Christmas and its significance?
We begin tonight with the war not the one in Iraq, but another more insidious war being waged right here on American soil. A war on Christmas. Conservative groups are claiming America is replacing the season's more religious aspects with a secular message of holiday cheer. Even President Bush made the naughty list.
After this year's White House Christmas card, which supporters a happy holiday season? Of course, along with an excerpt from Psalm 28, beginning, the Lord is my strength and my shield. But, you know, which Lord? Could be anybody, really. Ganesh. We've got some Ganesh fans in the audience. That doesn't happen a lot. Luckily, there is a white knight riding in from the judicial branch.
Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is the subject of glowing new ads from Catholic advocacy groups.
For 35 years, one Jersey City tradition included a Christmas and Hanukkah display in front of City Hall. But the American Civil Liberties Union sued, forcing the city to remove the display. Thanks to Judge Samuel Alito, the inclusive holiday display was restored.
Of course, saving Christmas doesn't guarantee you confirmation to the Supreme Court.
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Chapter 3: How do conservative groups perceive the changing nature of Christmas?
I think we all remember the ill-fated Ernest nomination. But nobody takes the Christ out of Christmas quite like the private sector. Some conservatives are calling for boycotts against retailers who ask employees to wish customers happy holidays, like this store, seen here blatantly disregarding Christmas.
So far, concerned Christians have urged boycotts of both Target stores and the Land's End catalog, though in the latter case, the Satan's Minion flannel doggy bed on page 21 doesn't help. Who is Satan's minion? Did you? Who is Satan's minion?
Fox News' Bill O'Reilly's been at the forefront of defending Christmas, even though until recently, Fox News' own online store invited viewers to buy an O'Reilly factor holiday ornament for their holiday tree. And when we're on Christmas, that's what's known as friendly fire. But he still lays the blame on thin-skinned heathens.
I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words, Merry Christmas.
I think those people are nuts. I think you're crazy if you're offended by the words, Merry Christmas.
Well, I actually agree with that. I think they're just words, Merry Christmas. I think it's innocuous. I don't think there's really any way that a sane person could be offended by a silly two-word phrase. You know what, Mr. O'Reilly? You're a reasonable man. Season's greetings and happy holidays, Bill, does not offend Christians. Yes, it does. Absolutely does.
And legend has it that every time you say happy holidays, an angel gets AIDS. For more on the controversy, Daily Show senior urologist Jason Jones joins us live from the front line of the war on Christmas. Jason, nice to see you. You're in a mall. You're looking around the stores. Are you noticing any kind of war on Christmas there? Yes, indeed, John.
This mall, this high church of consumerism, has been viciously secularized overnight. Where once Victoria's Secret ran a two-for-one triple Xmas sale on peekaboo lace teddies, now only holiday thongs remain. Triple Xmas, John. That was three times the Christ. Jason, uh... When I go to a mall, I see the holly, the lights, the tinsel, the Santa. It seems like Christmas is really doing fine.
Maybe on the surface, John, but if you look on the surface, the trend is alarming. This is the ghost of Christmas past, a Gap storefront circa 1985. Pious, inspirational, the kind of place you'd feel holly picking out a pair of reverse-cut khakis. Now behold the ghost of Christmas present. This is the way they choose to represent our Lord's birth now, with the word holidays? Which holiday?
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Chapter 4: What role does the Supreme Court play in the War on Christmas?
10 square inches at most? And winter, is that even a word? Oh, and for the record, when Jesus saves, it's more than 20%. Jason, when people are already celebrating Christmas in their homes, churches, and communities, how much difference do a few words on a storefront really make? All the difference in the world, John. This time of year, I don't just go out and buy holiday crap.
I buy Christmas crap. How else are we going to keep Jesus in our hearts without constant visual and verbal reminders? Heeding his words? Well, what about those who don't celebrate Christmas? Well, they need it most of all. The other day, I picked up this Old Testament. All the references to Jesus have been completely taken out. They're gone.
No doubt removed by the same PC police who took Christ out of the United States of a Christica. I don't think it was ever called that. And in fact, Christmas I don't think was even a federal holiday until 1870. And it's been under siege ever since. We can't afford to lose any more ground.
Every syllable is precious, which is why this year I'm wishing everyone a Jesus-y Christ Christ and a Christ-y new Christ. Thank you, Jason. Oh, and a happy Christ-ica to you, John. Well, thank you. Same to you, Jason. Moving from a war with no end to better news of a war at home that appears to be winding down.
Finally, a signal that the war on Christmas may be over. I'm applauding Walmart for taking back Christmas. Walmart has announced that it is ditching the politically correct Happy Holidays slogan in favor of a return to Merry Christmas.
It's going to be Christmas, Christmas, Christmas when you're at Walmart.
It's where Jesus would have shopped. For more on this sudden change of fortune, we go to our Yuletide War correspondent, John Oliver. John, thanks for joining us.
John.
John, I'm here at Rockefeller Center at the Victory Party. The war on Christmas is finally over. Of course, all wars end with an iconic moment. The Cold War had the collapse of the Berlin Wall. The Iraq War, as we all know, completely ended three years ago with the toppling of Saddam Hussein's statue.
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Chapter 5: What are the implications of retailers' holiday greetings?
And that wasn't the only moment of joy. We also witnessed this unprecedented display of yuletide cheer. Suck on that, humanists. That's the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. They light it every year. But before, it was lit in defiance. This year, it was lit in victory. Different bulbs. There aren't different bulbs. That's a local tradition. But this year, it's gone worldwide.
The National Broadcasting Company, or NBK, decided to devote three hours to the flipping of this light. It was presided over by Al Roker, who, with victory under his ever-loosening belt, may now be able to end his inspiring hunger strike. He was joined by stars ranging from Hall to Oates. Santa'd capaded brazenly about without fear of attacks from pagan death squads.
And of course, no victory party's complete without an appearance from Sting.
And his loot.
Well, thank you very much for that report, guys. Obviously... In any war on Christmas, there are going to be winners and losers. And with that story, we go to Rob Riggle. Rob? Thanks, John. I'm here on 47th Street in Manhattan, and I'm talking to Moshe Goldstein. Moshe, tell me... Abraham Friedman. I'm sorry. Sorry, Abraham Friedman. Abraham, can you tell me, are you taking it hard this year?
Oh, no. I'm always easygoing. Okay. Coming up on a big offseason, are you planning on making any changes during the offseason? No, I'm not taking any changes.
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Chapter 6: How does Fox News contribute to the narrative of the War on Christmas?
I just take the holidays with me, and that's how it goes, you know? Okay. Well, thank you very much for your time, Abraham. And this might not be easy to hear right now, but Merry Christmas. Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas to you. Thank you. John? Thank you very much, Rob. Give the guy credit to come out of the losing locker room and do an interview like that. Anyway, any last thoughts?
John Oliver down in Rockefeller Center. The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree is illuminated, blazing as a beacon of freedom for all. Finally, John, this damn war is over. Come here, you. John? Did it freeze? Did it freeze? No, it didn't freeze. The frame didn't freeze. No. Forget it. Merry Christmas, John. Thank you very much. John Oliver, we'll be right back.
What do you say to those Jews that were trying to take Christmas away forever?
To the Jews? No. I say Merry Christmas to everyone.
Even to the Jews?
To everyone, yes.
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By the way, I don't have to tell you people. Sixth night of Hanukkah. Huh? Really? People aren't usually that enthusiastic this many days in. Sixth night is also known as the Nachnit HaChemchaf. That's Hebrew for the night you get a jigsaw puzzle. It's the sixth night. People are running out of ideas.
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Chapter 7: What lessons do ghosts teach Jon Stewart about Christmas?
What's wrong, officer? Gonna give us a ticket for not including a menorah in our religious display? No! Even though I'm Jewish, I'm secure enough in my own beliefs that I don't need to be included in every holiday.
Chag Sameach! Yes siree Bob, it looked like Christmas was going to come and go without any ginned up outrage about some city council in bum- Iowa renaming their nativity scene a multi-denominational frankincense party. No one even seemed to notice. Except for one sad little boy. Because even though Christmas was by far the most dominant cultural event in the history of cultural events,
He felt empty, without some sense that the people celebrating it were somehow being persecuted. And so he prayed. That's right, I said prayed. But sadly, it was all for naught until something magical happened. First in the dark of night came a flicker, and then just a ticker.
and then a great noise like someone jumped on a clicker you can't say merry christmas and you support the band you are the fascist there's been a war on christmas from the secular culture for for three or four decades now there's a war on christmas with some people in this country particularly atheists an anti-religion sign right next to the nativity scene the more people watched the
The more they got sicker, sicker and sicker, till every last one came to quarrel and bicker.
Atheist. Gummy. Jew. Socialist. Pagan.
Old Roger Ailes couldn't believe what he heard. He took delight in each unkind word. People who were there said his heart shrunk three sizes that day. It was a war on Christmas miracle. As for that little boy whose prayers had enthused, he was given a show right there on Fox News.
Tonight on Linus' America, are Christians an endangered species? Are the Founding Fathers' wishes for Christian America being trampled upon? I'll talk to my All-American panel featuring Snoopy, Pigpen, and Stephen Baldwin.
Suck it, Charlie Brown.
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Chapter 8: What are the ongoing debates about the representation of Santa Claus?
Do this now or face the full night of our secular multicultural society. It's a world... No, that's not a president. All right. It's a world where Christmas will have to share statehouse rotundas, not just with Jews, but with Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, Santeros, atheists, and, of course, Muslims.
We will fight until we live in a world where free Americans everywhere seek not validation of their religious beliefs through Macy's signage. Where non-sectarian greetings are not seen as diminishing the most ubiquitous two-month holiday immersion since Caligula's birthday party. Until that day, I wish you and your family in this season a happy and heartfelt holiday.
end of the fiscal fourth quarter. Very quick off the top. A couple of nights ago, I responded to the ginned-up outrage many Christmas celebrants feel when they are unable to celebrate Christmas at all times, in all places. And I addressed our nation thusly. My fellow Americans, tonight I humbly come before you to declare war on Christmas. That was two days ago. Now look at me.
Look how war ages a man. That is weird. How can I age in two days? Is that... Well, last night, one of Santa's unusually large elves fired back.
Our pal John Stewart is following the various Christmas controversies very closely. Now, there is no question that Mr. Stewart is going to hell.
I know. But here's where you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell.
Boom! Boom! Your move, O'Reilly!
Speaking of Christmas, you're probably aware by now our nation's been embroiled in a long and bitter war.
The first salvo in the war on Christmas. It is the war on Christmas. The war on Christmas.
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