This Week's News | Ronny Chieng on the End of the Iran Ceasefire, Trump's FIFA Meddling & Platner's Dropout
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How was everyone's Fourth of July weekend? Did you do all the normal stuff like barbecue or go to the beach or get married at Madison Square Garden? Well, I didn't do shit because it was a billion degrees outside. My AC was working harder than Graham Platner's PR team. It was so hard, my balls declared independence from my penis. But even with the heat, people managed to get outside and celebrate in ways that did not in any way feel like a metaphor for where America's at right now.
Again, that was not a metaphor for America. Because that guy is completely okay. I mean, seriously, the skydiver is fine. And actually fine. Not like Mitch McConnell fine. Just kidding. Mitch is doing great. He's doing great. And he can't wait to get back. But you know who did not piss himself off flying through the sky this weekend? President Trump. He spent the holiday reflecting on why America is the hottest country in the world. We are the nation that dreamed and created the modern world and invented the light bulb, the telephone, the airplane, the assembly line, the television, the microchip, the personal computer, the internet, the GPS, the smartphone, and almost everything else that has ever Been invented.
We invented everything that's ever been invented. And also everything that hasn't been invented yet. We also invented, because I just invented the idea of inventing all your inventions. It's called pre-vention. And I just invented that word. We invented all that shit. All right, Trump, give us another one. We invented it all.
What happened during America's 250th birthday celebration and the skydiver incident?
We charted the human genome to cure diseases. Wait, what? What do you mean, genome? Why... Why is he pronouncing it like it's an old-school rapper? My top three, Jay-Z, Jeezy, and genome. But Trump hasn't just been learning about the human genome. He's also been learning about the sport of soccer. Because... America has been hosting the World Cup. Yeah! Very American to not cheer the World Cup. And up to the last week, the U.S. team was doing much better than expected, in large part thanks to its leading scorer for Lauren Balogun. Nothing could stop this guy. I mean nothing.
One of the star players on the U.S. men's soccer team getting hit with the red card and forced to skip next week's big game.
Leading scorer, Fowler and Balogun, given a red card for a hard foul.
The high-level penalty resulting in a player's immediate ejection from the current game and suspension from the very next game they play. What? You're gonna give Balogun a red card because it looks like maybe he snapped the guy's ankle in slow motion? Yo, everything looks worse in slow motion. You ever seen a guy get hit by a car in slow motion? It looks horrible. It looks like murder. But if you watch it in reverse, it looks like my car revived him. Anyway, for Lauren Balogun, getting a red card meant that he wasn't allowed to play the next game against Belgium. But you know what? That's what's beautiful about sports, okay? Not everything goes your way. What matters is how you rise to the occasion and dig deep to find a way to win.
And that's exactly what America did. President Trump revealing he intervened, calling FIFA's president to protest Balogun's red card as unfair. FIFA now clearing the way for Balogun to play. Psyche, this is America, bitch! The land of the Karen. And when life hands us lemons, we call life's manager and say, take these lemons back and let the Logan play. And, of course, the rest of the world started complaining, saying it wasn't fair, asking why President Trump gets to pull strings. Well, there's a good reason why.
And I'm a person that loves sports and was a good athlete. And I understand sports really well.
Really well. And that wasn't a foul. See, you heard it from him. You heard it from him. That wasn't a foul. President Trump understands sports, okay? It's in his genome. It's deep. Sports is deep in his DNA. So I think he knows what a red card is. I didn't know what the hell a red card was when I found out. I said, you got to be kidding. Psyche! This man didn't know what a red card is.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:39
2
What happened during America's 250th birthday celebration and the skydiver incident?
2:39–7:43
3
How did Trump's Fourth of July speech claim the U.S. 'invented everything'?
7:43–13:04
4
How did Trump get involved in the FIFA World Cup red card controversy?
13:04–14:00
5
Why did Lauren James/Timothy Balogun's red card spark international backlash?
14:00–27:57
Speakers
5 identifiedMore from The Daily Show: Ears Edition
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