Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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He's always been a very emotional kid, and he loves to play sports. He loves to compete. But he gets in these emotional states when he's playing. If something goes wrong, he'll just break down and cry. And I'm having a hard time navigating that and knowing what to say to him because I'm kind of old school, I guess.
What up? What up? This is Dr. John Deloney's show. Thanks for being with us. Last night here in Nashville, probably the most influential band of my life, Trip and Daisy was here. And if you don't know who that is, I pity you. I'm sad for you. In the 90s and early 2000s, there's not a band I listened to more, other than Pantera, but they weren't an influence. They were just kind of an obsession.
Trip and Daisy was a band I followed around. I watched the shows at different cities across Texas. I tell you what, man, I haven't listened to a couple of their records in years and those songs are encoded into my DNA, like in my mitochondria. If you got young kids, be very careful what you let them listen to because they'll remember every word forever.
But man, to the Tripp and Daisy gang, dude, they're still out rocking and it was awesome. I'm going to go catch another show or two on their tour. They're so good. And listen, here's the meta here. Put your screens down and go see a live comedy show. Go see a concert. Go bowling with your friends. Get out and go be in the world. I tell you what, man, I slept good last night.
I smiled when I woke up this morning. So much better than doom scrolling our lives away. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Jake. What's up, Jake? What's up, John? How you doing, man? I'm good, brother. How are you? Doing well.
So what up? So I've got a question about my six-year-old son. He's been playing sports since he was about three years old. And he's always been emotional. Yeah, we kind of start early around here. Dang, dude. All right, get on it. So he's always been a very emotional kid. Okay. And he loves to play sports. He loves to compete, especially with his friends. But...
I'm a little concerned because he gets in these emotional states when he's playing. If something goes wrong, he'll just break down and cry. And I'm having a hard time navigating that and knowing what to say to him because I'm kind of old school, I guess, mentality, like just flush it and move on. But his mom is completely opposite, and I'm just worried future-wise what that'll do to him.
Nothing. He's six. He's six. Yeah, I just, yeah. I mean, are you and mom not aligned on this?
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Chapter 2: What challenges does a newly divorced father face in co-parenting?
Thank you. What I would tell you is letting them know like, hey, I have big feelings too. And sometimes they get so big and they come out as yelling or mean or angry and yours come out as tears. It's all good. When that happens, I want you to go sit on the bench or I want you to go give him a thing to do. Okay. And know that like after the game, you can sit on the, on the drive home.
We're never going to talk sports on the drive home ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I mean, pro coaches say that pro athletes say that on the drive home, I'm back to dad and we're just going to chill. Then maybe later in the day and say, Hey man, I saw when you struck out, your feelings got real big.
Chapter 3: How can a parent support an emotionally sensitive child in sports?
Tell me about it. And all we're doing is we're going to norm the fact he's got big feelings. He will watch you to learn how to grow up and make that transition. And what's a good way to do that? And I don't want him growing up to be an angry, raged out guy like his dad is. Right, exactly. How you deal with mom, I have a no parents in the dugout rule. And good luck with that one, right?
She'll take you to court, right?
Exactly. See, it's hard to navigate that. But last night was like a great example of what you were just talking about. So he was getting ready for bat. He was on deck. And one of the other kids got confused and went ahead of him. And that just kind of wrecked his night. And like for the next five minutes, he was emotional. I couldn't get out of it.
And I'm trying to get people back in line to go hit. Well, he finally came back around. We got him to go up to bat and he, you know, laced a single. And so I walked up to first base and I was like, dude, that is great. I am so proud of you for like putting back your emotions for a second and playing the game.
And I think that really just like made his day is that I told him I was proud of him for pushing those. I don't even want to say push him back, but just be in the moment, play the game, and he got a hit and was able to calm himself down a little bit.
And the language I use is you did the next right thing. You got back in there, right? And again, I want to contextualize this. He is six. Yeah. He's not 24. Right. Right? He's not 18. He's six. And so even if he had gotten back up there and struck out and turned into a super like atomic fit or whatever, you can't scream. You can't throw the bats. You can't curse at the ref, right?
Like you can go sit down on the bench and compose yourself. That's okay. Right. Right. But, and so we're going to do, what's the next right thing here? But man, the fact that he got a hit, cool, great.
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Chapter 4: What is the impact of differing parenting styles on children?
I mean, that, that was neat for the night. It was a neat, like end of a Disney story. Right. But right. But it won't always happen. No. In fact, more time, baseball is the only sport that you do something three out of 10 times. Right. And they call you a hall of famer. Right. So like, Yeah, most of the time he won't get a hit after that.
But it's letting him know, like, hey, I'm proud of you for getting back in the box. Way to go. Yeah. And he'll begin to learn, oh, I have this humongous feeling, and then I'm going to go do the next right thing. Right. You get what I'm saying? And again, let his mom comfort him. It is what it is, right?
Chapter 5: How does one navigate emotional breakdowns in a child during sports?
Yeah. I'm not going to go to war with mom in the dugout on, you know what I mean? Especially a year after divorce. Exactly.
Yeah. And I'm just trying to, and I don't want to, I guess I've taken the opposite way where I don't want to interfere at all. I don't want to say anything to her. At least I just kind of let it happen and I don't want to, you know, cause any strife. So I don't think that's the right thing either, but you know, I'm just, it's kind of hard to, you know, deal with all of it going on at once.
Yeah. I think the, and she's going to have guilt too. She's going to miss her kid. Y'all split custody.
No, not yet. Um, hopefully in the future, I guess, you know, with them being super young, it's, we didn't want to have them in different households, you know, every other week. So right now it's just a weekend off weekend on.
So do they all three live with her during the week? Yes, they do.
God almighty, dude. How do you breathe, brother? It's not easy. Like, it's taken me almost a full year to, you know, which I am very close to them. Like, we're in the same town. My mom still keeps my youngest, so I go see her as much as I can. I go to the school events pretty much every event that they've got I try to go to. So I try to make the time and go see them. But it is very tough.
Yeah, and it's not even the events are cool. It's the bumping each other in the kitchen. It's the attunement, right? It's the ups and the downs of the little tiny little things that happen. Yeah, exactly. Man, geez. I just don't know how people do it, man. Like 24 hours, 48 hours for my kids, and I start getting a little bit. Like, itchy. You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah. Trust me. I know. Jeez, dude. But, I mean, I kind of brought this on myself, so I can't, you know, can't feel too bad for myself.
Both can be true. You can blow your marriage up and still feel heartbroken you don't see your kids. Both those things are all right. Yeah. You know what I mean? But yeah, the thing that your kid needs now more than anything is a dad. Right. Who loves him. And he's going to have, he's going to have already had big emotions.
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Chapter 6: What role does communication play in co-parenting after divorce?
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Hi, how are you?
I'm doing good. How are you?
I'm great. Thank you for having me.
You bet. What's up?
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Chapter 7: How can parents ensure emotional stability for their children post-divorce?
But I left about a year ago. And we started kind of toying and talking about the idea. We got back in contact. We're friends again for several months. We kind of started pulling with the idea of dating and I had done a ton of counseling while in my other relationship.
And a couple of things that kept coming up once I had already decided that I was going to end it was that despite the fact that, you know, we had always read for the most part, always been friends. he was the one person that I didn't want to risk a relationship with because he was the one man that I couldn't risk losing.
And that was kind of the green light in my head of, oh, yeah, you probably should have dated this person.
What was the big falling out about y'all had a few years ago?
He... He admitted that he was in love with me, and I was not prepared to hear that. And so he felt super rejected by it, went and dated someone from his past that was a bigger hot mess than the two of us put together. And I just said, I can't watch this. I can't stand by and watch. This isn't going to go well.
Well, he didn't feel rejected. You rejected him. He may have felt it, but he felt it. It wasn't like he was having this out-of-body experience. Yes, that is true. Okay, so fast forward. Okay. How long have y'all been talking? Two months, three months, six months, a year?
We've been talking since about October. Post-divorce. Yes. Okay. Yeah, it was about six months after divorce that we started talking, and then we've been officially dating for a little over three months.
Okay. Please, God, don't marry him yet.
Okay.
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Chapter 8: What are the signs of a healthy relationship in the context of co-parenting?
Right now, you don't have that. Your secret world is with a two-year-old little boy. And that's it. And so you ask yourself, by yourself, what do I want him to experience? And I don't think it's you're doing all of this theater so that you don't tempt yourself, right? That's my job for my high school kid and my 10-year-old. Like, my job is to do these things.
But for you, you're like, well, we got our own room. You're a 26-year-old single mom working a full-time job in Austin. You know, you get what I'm saying? I want you to be an adult, like a grown-up. And grown-up, number one, value is how do I take care of this kid? Value number two is how do I navigate a relationship I might want to pursue for the rest of my life? And those are separate things.
I fully 1,000% agree with you. The confusion your little two-year-old will have if there's this guy that dips in and out every other weekend that just, yeah, I totally get that. And I think you feel that and you're right. The second thing is, is if you're serious about, you and your boyfriend get to fast forward some things because y'all have known each other a long, long time.
But I'd start going to premarital counseling and see, is this a guy I want to not just be friends with, not be close to? I have several 30, 40 year friendships with girls who are now grown women that would not have been good match for me to get married to. that I've known for decades longer than I've known my wife. I've known them forever.
And maybe not decades, but at least a decade and a half longer than I've known my own wife. But they would not have been good people for me to build a world with.
No.
And so if you're interested in that, then when he comes to Austin or you go visit him in Houston, y'all go see a pre-marriage counselor and you'll get into the deeper things. Are we aligned on values? How are we going to do conflict? How are we going to do communication? What do we want our faith values to look like lived at? Get into some of those things.
So come July or come August or come November when he packs up and moves across the state to come live by you, Now y'all are in. You get what I'm saying? But having like a pseudo-secret marriage where you got this guy coming and going, it will never be real until November. And then come November even, it's going to â I mean, geez louise, what a mess, right?
Yeah. So we do have two rounds of premarital counseling lined up with two â different couples. He's got a mentor and I've got a mentor and both of them and their spouses are licensed for premarital counseling. So they're both going to handle that. My mentor lives in Houston where I'm actually from and her and her husband have also started mentoring him.
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