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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
I'm in the process of becoming a social scientist, and I did a book report on emerging technologies like robotics and AI, specifically in the realm of relational communication, and it stems a little bit into sexual communication. And I didn't realize I flew a little bit too close to the sun, and yeah, I got hooked.
Hey, what's going on? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you are here taking your calls, real people with real challenges from all over the planet about their relationships, their mental and emotional health, what's going on with their kids, what's going on in their sex lives, what's going on in their churches, whatever you got going on in your life.
I'm going to pull up a seat, and you're going to pull up a seat, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. Hey, one thing that makes a huge difference is if you're a regular listener to this show, and I travel all over the country, speaking to doing live events and hanging out with folks. And so many of you tell me like you do not miss an episode Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
Chapter 2: How does the guest describe their struggle with AI pornography addiction?
I'm so grateful for that. If you listen to a particular episode and it makes it, it's impactful for you or you know someone in your life, Hey, this is going to be important for them. They need to hear this. Please do me a favor, do them a favor and share the show. That makes a huge difference for the algorithms and it kicks the show up. And it's just a, it's a, it's a,
a way to help what we're doing here, and it doesn't cost any money. It just costs a few seconds of your time. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Dallas, Texas, and talk to the mighty Don. What's up, Don?
Good morning. How are you?
I'm all right, brother. How are you, man?
You know, I normally say it's another day in paradise, but I don't know if that's true today.
All right, man. Well, I'm here with you. What's up, brother?
Yeah, so I'm going to try and come right out and say it because it's really hard to. I've been... recently struggling with these cycles of addiction, and it stems from a few different things. You know, alcohol, cigars, that's not as bad. Video games, but most recently, it's pornography, and specifically AI pornography.
Okay, gotcha, huh? It's here. Yeah. That's here. Yes. Tell me about it, man.
Yeah, so let's see, a little bit of context. I'm in the process of becoming a social scientist, and I did a book report. and a presentation on emerging technologies like robotics and AI, specifically in the realm of relational communication. And it stemmed a little bit into sexual communication. And I did an investigation on it, and I was fine.
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Chapter 3: What challenges arise from differing gift preferences in a marriage?
many of the other aspects of my life, I feel like are healthy, man. I eat well, got a decent friend group. I've got hobbies.
You don't have purpose though.
Well, I feel like I do. What is it? I mean, well, like I said, social sciences, I'm in a PhD program and it's a blessing. I enjoy every, every second of it. Um, but yeah, but I've got passion.
But what's, what's it? Yeah. Passion is, Let's take that off the table for a second. I think that's an abused word in our culture. It's almost nonsensical. It's almost lost its meaning. It's like a get-out-of-jail card. Why do you want to be a social scientist?
Yeah, that's a great question. I think the only thing I bleed back into is when I was a kid, I was always interested in people. I did want to study them. I was always fascinated by how we communicate. Why we communicate, why we build relationships, why we maintain them, why we break them down or break them up.
But what is that? And I'm going to quote one of my old dissertation advisors, the great Dr. John Murray, who would always at the end of every dissertation defense ask one question. So what? You've given us your research. You've given us your findings. How does this help humanity? How does this help your neighbor?
Because if you just did some sort of masturbatory exercise and I can do statistics and I can answer a big question, I can study something, but you didn't help anybody, then we've all wasted our time. And I loved that idea. So you love studying people. Awesome. I love that you love something. That's amazing. You love figuring out why relationships break down, how people can communicate better.
Oh, that's awesome. What's your end goal with that?
Dang, that's a great question.
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Chapter 4: How can couples effectively communicate their needs and desires?
There's been long seasons where I'm not enjoying any of it, but I'm committed to the purpose of it, which is, can I answer this question? Is marriage still worth it? And if so, how can I help people have better marriages? You get what I'm saying? Yes. And if I just seek enjoyment, that's just such a shallow pool.
Yeah. I think, sorry to interrupt.
No, you're good, man.
Go ahead. I think the way my mind works and the way I was raised is that there's always, you know, I think it does seem like a shallow purpose, at least in my life. It's always, you know, set yourself up for success. And be successful monetarily, financially, spiritually, all the aspects. So the whole purpose thing, I suppose I haven't fleshed out to a great degree.
You're going to find yourself, as a social scientist, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You're going to find yourself, quote unquote, successful. You're going to find yourself, quote unquote, financially secure. You're going to find yourself, fill in the blank. You'll achieve all of your quote-unquote goals and you'll have nothing.
And here's why this matters to you struggling with a pornography addiction. Your body knows that there's no purpose here. That we are going through the motions and that exhaustion, that feeling dead in your own skin comes out in the form of Compulsion comes out in obsessive thoughts, and it comes out in, over time, addictive behaviors.
Can I ask you this? I'm curious. I kind of split up my life, it seems like, into segments. It may not be healthy, but let's take spirituality, for instance. I can easily say my purpose there is to glorify God. I'd like to think I'm faithful. I'd like to think. How do I incorporate that into into everything else. I mean, to me, that seems like a pretty good purpose, but I can't tell why.
Not that it's not working. It's too simple.
Are you trying to glorify God because you think he's going to be pissed off at you and you're going to burn in hell for eternity if you don't?
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Chapter 5: What insights are shared about coping with addiction and finding purpose?
And I feel that a lot of times.
I just... But do you feel it? Do you believe it? Do you act on it?
You know, I want to say yes, but... it would be a discrepancy because I keep falling back into these cycles, man.
Okay, so you brought up faith, so that's a big deal to you? Yes, sir. I'll use your words, glorifying God, that's a big deal to you? Yes, sir. To what end?
To what end?
Meaning, if you were a, I know guys who went to, got a theology degree and went and became bartenders. because they wanted to sit with exhausted, lonely, hurting people and be a calm, steady, life-giving presence to them. Right? If one of them became an alcoholic from working at a bar, I would tell them, you got to back out. Right?
And you have to find, how am I going to take this purpose of sitting with hurting people and use it somewhere else? So are you willing to, you've got to hold open-handedly, I want to study this particular thing. And it's more powerful than me. I can't objectively be a part of this. Are you willing to give that up?
Yes, for that goal, yes.
Then I want you to think in those terms.
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Chapter 6: How can couples navigate and resolve conflicts about values?
I think it's the great Brene Brown that said, shame eats secrets for breakfast. Go bear it open. yeah that's a lot to sit with wow hold on it's not a lot to sit with it's a lot to do and you're a social scientist who spends the large amount of time the majority of your life in your head and it's killing you no kidding so it's going to take radical vulnerability with a group of people
and if you don't have close friends that you don't think would weaponize this, it's going to cost you your job, then go to an essay meeting. I promise they're all over Dallas. And since you're a person of faith, you can go to a faith-based one if that makes you feel more comfortable.
Yeah, absolutely.
Sometimes those are great. Sometimes those are filled with people hitting you in the face with Bibles. I'm a person of faith and I probably would not go to a faith-based one. I would go to one where I could be fully honest and have to perform. Everybody's different.
And you got to make a commitment on a Lemke style of 30 to 60 days of come hell or high water, come what may, I will not do this thing. And I will put every possible roadblock in my life to keep me from doing it.
Okay. I, I see portions of me doing that. Gosh, I've tried putting content restrictions on my phone or shutting it off.
You can't be your own accountability partner. Right.
Yeah, absolutely. I don't know why I didn't see that until now.
Bro, it's all right. This is why you share. This is why you open up. This is why what you're doing right now is step one. It's day one of extraordinary courage and bravery. That's why I'm not beating you up, dude. That's why I'm sitting here with you. I'm honored to be talking to you.
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Chapter 7: What advice is given for maintaining healthy relationships after loss?
I can be of support with you as you're walking through this. Congratulations on your academic work. But listen, have a reason why you're doing it. Have a picture of somebody you're going to help on the other end of this.
And it may just be that your journey through flying really close to the sun and catching on fire and crashing to earth, that might make you one of the great social scientists of your time. The ability to study people and be connected to them. To know what they've been through. You're the man, brother. We come back, a woman asks if she should tell her husband that she doesn't like his gifts.
Oh, this is going to be good.
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Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
I'm doing great. How about you?
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Chapter 8: How can microhabits improve communication in a marriage?
It's also the bare minimum. Be there when your kid's born.
You would think, but I wouldn't have a job if everyone agreed on that. So there's a lot of things I think are the bare minimum that people are like, what? And the other side of it is I want to grab him by the ears and be like, bro, think about this before you're on the way to the hospital.
Yeah, no, and I do appreciate the kindness. It didn't help that I had thought ahead. So I got him a custom book as written by his son.
Okay, so now we're into the real stuff. When you start keeping score, your relationship will crash and burn. And so when it becomes, I did this, but you only did this. Now we have a problem. And so I want you to take your, like you verse him off the scoreboard and put another scoreboard up that just has one score on it. It's you and me versus the world. And you said it perfectly.
And this is very unsexy, very un-Hollywood and very counter-cultural. The greatest gift you could give him right now is a roadmap to what you want and what you like. And in those few instances, what you need. That's an amazing gift. Can I tell you how to do that?
That's what I'm looking for. That's why I called.
Here's what I did in my own. I'm going to tell you exactly what I did in my own house. So you can adjust this however it works for y'all. What does your husband do for a living? Let me see if I can be creative here.
He's a program manager.
Incredible. And do you work outside the home?
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