Dating and depression
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What challenges arise when dating while dealing with depression?
We were going out and everything was going fine but then over the course of I guess three or four months I could see the decline in him and because we've both had depression before we could both recognise it and we tried to catch it early but it just didn't work. Um and so he ended up breaking up with me because of the lies he believed from the disease. What I'm struggling with is accepting the fact that I just feel like I've let the disease beat us rather than trying to beat it.
Warning adult content. The hookup. Love and on Triple J. Imagine dating the perfect person, but things aren't going as well as they should be. Your depression makes you believe you need to deal with things on your own and you don't want to burden your partner with it, so you break up. But is that what you really want? Living with depression can be difficult, but when you're dating with it, it can be even harder. So how can you date with depression or help the person you're dating? Soon, we'll have a psych-in to help us out. But first, Kate, not her real name, lives with depression and opened up about her experiences dating with it. I asked her how she first came to learn she had depression.
I was diagnosed with depression about four years ago and it kind of blindsided me. I didn't realise what was wrong with me. I just woke up one day and kept getting upset every day. And when I went to see um a doctor eventually, it turned out that I had, yeah, depression. And there were lots of things going on in my life at the time. But I would say that lots of things collapsed at once and um I had had a huge upheaval in life because of it. Like a nine year relationship broke down uh and suddenly not only was I entering the dating world having not been in it for nine years, but also um with depression. Do you think the your depression was part
of what
broke up your Long that first long term relationship? Um it was definitely hard for that person towards the end of our relationship. He was understanding but also found it difficult because I am uh not kind of all singing or dancing happy. No one would ever realise that I have depression on the outside. And I think he struggled with the knowledge that actually I was struggling and he I think he blamed himself, which I think is Something that happens in relationships. Other people think that it's their fault or that they're at least adding to the problem anyway. And that's n not necessarily the case. Obviously, everyone's different, but I think with him he just didn't know what to do because he'd never dealt with somebody with depression before.
And so therefore he kept trying to encourage me, which is um common thing to happen, to do things that he thought would make me happy so dragged me out to go and do something, play some music. Let's um get you dancing or here have a glass of wine or things that people think are going to make you happier, but I've always say n now with the benefit of hindsight and understanding of depression that having depression is different to feeling depressed. And so it those things didn't work. Um and I think uh for me, because at the time I didn't understand it. Whereas now four years down the line I have more of an awareness of what what the problem is and how I can help myself and also help other people around me um deal with it.
How how is it different? Can you describe uh what it's like? Well. Oh god, it is really hard to describe. Um it's just something that you can't re you can't control. And so it comes over you a bit like something's pulling you around or dragging you down and you can't lift yourself out of it. And it's very frustrating. and upsetting because you you don't know how to get it to go away. You're kind of numb and incredible unhappiness and my thoughts will go to a you know, to really dark places. You know, I just think it would be easy if I wasn't here. But that's a horrible and terrifying thought to think. And so when you do think that it's um it's very difficult to to know how to explain that to someone that you love and not scare them or upset them.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What challenges arise when dating while dealing with depression?
0:00–5:31
2
How did Kate’s personal experience with depression affect her first breakup?
5:31–11:41
3
What did Kate learn about recognizing and describing depression in a relationship?
11:41–25:17
4
How can partners support someone who is struggling with depression?
25:17–25:36