Getting it up (and keeping it up!)
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Why do erections disappear right before sex and how does performance anxiety trigger it?
See, I think I'm fine when when we start kicking everything happening, it's all good. But then when the old text happens, that's when you start concentrating on the moves like technique and that's when it goes away for me.
what I'd be suggesting is maybe relaxing back and just enjoying the moment more rather than concentrating. And I think that's where we all get caught up and and I include myself there is that sometimes we we really do focus on having to perform really, really well. That's that's part of the e the anxieties.
Warning content alerts. The hookup. Love and on Triple J. Imagine you've had sexual tension build up with someone for a while, and you're about to have sex with them for the first time, but then as you're getting ready, your erection disappears. Many men experience performance anxiety and when it happens, it can really affect your confidence in the bedroom. Recently we got an email from a listener who had a BF who was having trouble keeping it up, so we thought we'd better take a look at it. In here to help you out with it is counsellor and sex therapist Dr. Christopher Fox.
I'm gonna start with and say for some men it's about getting it up, for some men it's about managing or controlling their ejaculations and performance anxiety can affect women as well. But for men and and getting it up is where we can start um it It it really comes back to to stage fright. You know, that's what we're talking about here with performance anxiety. It's a form of stage fright. People or or in this case, men are focusing on other things than what their actual task is they're hoping to engage in. So it it it it it's a it's a form of anxiety, it's it's a it's a distraction in the brain and of course the brain affects the the body. Um so they lose focus and lose their erection.
And how can that anxiety in the bedroom affect your eventual relationship?
Um, it can become very, very frustrating. Um, I often work with couples where performance anxiety, where erection issues have been present from the beginning of the relationship. And for the partner they start to get frustrated, they start to think it's them, um, they're not attractive enough, they're not good enough with sex, which is is really sad thing to hear to as a therapist because of course it's got nothing to do with the partner and how good or or not good they are, it's actually got to do with the guy and and how he's managing his his uh his anxiousness, his anxiety and his fears and and and engaging in the the sexual act.
We got a text in here that says, uh, my boyfriend has trouble getting it up with me, but we managed with Morningwood. He's probably going to go on Viagra soon. He says he's too anxious with pleasing me. Um, is Morningwood a good solution? Is using it when you can a good solution?
It's a good solution. It may not be the optimal solution. Using it when you can, Morning Wood, Morning Wood's there, make good use of it. Um Viagra can help, but Viagra's not going to fix the problem. Um what we we do know from from researchers that combining Viagra with therapy gives us the best outcomes. But of course Viagra can help and in some cases it's just guys getting that confidence back and having an erection that Viagra can offer that gets them back the tracks, so to speak.
You said that um the experience with having performance anxiety, well, it comes from being anxious and and not being able to be confident in the bedroom. Where can these anxieties come from?
The anxieties come from all sorts of places. Um w social anxiety because of course if we all know every man has to be ready to perform at the drop of a hat. And I think it's the lo biggest load of crap um to ever, ever be be put forward in the world. You know, people think because a man has an erection, he's ready for sex. And and I s say to people all the time, you know, when a woman's ready for sex, we we understand she's ready for sex by lubrication. You know, um just because a man has an erection doesn't mean he's ready for sex. Look for things such as prejectory fluid.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do erections disappear right before sex and how does performance anxiety trigger it?
0:00–4:00
2
How can relaxing and staying present prevent the loss of an erection?
4:00–8:06
3
What role does stage‑fright play in male performance anxiety and how is it explained?
8:06–10:46
4
How can partners help each other refocus during sex to reduce anxiety?
10:46–14:01
5
When is using condoms or “Morning Wood” a useful tool for managing performance anxiety?
14:01–17:38
6
What practical techniques (e.g., start‑stop, mindfulness, music) can improve lasting longer?
17:38–21:11
7
How do relationship dynamics and therapy address chronic erection or premature ejaculation issues?
21:11–25:04
8
Is Viagra a short‑term confidence boost or a long‑term solution for performance anxiety?
25:04–27:54