Help! I've never been in love
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Why does it feel like everyone is in love all the time?
Well now, really, when we go back then to falling in love. I'm so in love with you. And say it's crazy. And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. There is in it the idea of the fall. You've hurt me too many times. Believe me, this time. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious
tie
in something. I love you too.
If you turn on your TV, listen to your favourite songs, scroll through your feed or even just look around wherever you are right now. I hate to pull out the love actually cliche but you'll find love really is all around. People are in love all the time everywhere and it's meant to be one of the great human experiences. Something we're kind of told we should be aiming for. But what if you can't relate because it's never happened to you? You might be wondering why it hasn't happened. If you haven't found the right person or if there's something wrong with you. Maybe you're actually just not interested and you're not sure what all the fuss is about. Nat Tengich here. And in this episode, we've got help if you're worried about never being in love before.
But also, if you're someone who's not really bothered by it, we'll find out what it means to be aromantic. Because that's a thing. More on that later. But first, if you're a Triple J listener, you might have heard my good mate Eli before. He's one half of Pip and Eli, radio duo that's been doing mid-dawns and weekends all across the station. He's also an actor you might have caught in shows like Retrograde on the ABC, 100% Wolf and Slyde. And we were in the office recently talking about love, and he admitted to me that he's never been in love, like, ever. At all. To borrow his own catchphrase, I was goop-tundy. Because I've been in love three times, and I currently am, and I crush constantly. I suppose you could call me a hyper-lover, I guess.
To hear from someone who'd been actively dating for about a decade and have it never happen, well, it was interesting to me. I had to hear more because I was sure he wasn't the only one.
I've never fell for anyone. And I admit openly, yeah, I've never experienced this phenomenon of loving another person.
This crazy little thing called love. This
crazy little thing called love.
Never done it, never did it. I'm not ashamed about it, but yeah. So I'm assuming like you date
and you enjoy dating.
Yeah, dating, even less, like less, more casual than that, I would say.
Have you ever been like in a relationship?
I have. I think the first time I didn't know what the hell I was doing because it was such a serious relationship and I'd just never been in that territory before.
What societal pressures push us onto the “relationship escalator”?
Second time, yeah, it was way more chill and I just... Never thought about the four-letter word of love, so it didn't worry me. But the third time I really wanted to experience love, I think, and I was more open, I think I just chose the wrong person. And for the completely wrong, maybe superficial, selfish reasons. And that was why.
Yeah, right. Are you hopeful that you can find that feeling with someone?
I am hopeful. I just honestly never probably go looking for it as much as others do. Maybe I've got too many walls up or I'm too focused on other things that are just not relationships.
What do you think it's going to feel like?
I think I'm probably, if someone's never experienced it before, I imagine they might be pretty bowled over. Do you reckon like maybe I will just be blown away? I'll be swept off my feet, head over heels kind of thing. I imagine it would probably be like, yeah, if something's long overdue and it's your first time, yeah, it should be maybe like fireworks. I have no idea. Really intense. But maybe that's the hopeless romantic part of me. I don't know.
It's funny that you're a hopeless romantic.
And
yet. And yet. Never been in love.
I know. I'm lying. I have no idea. I just don't. Nah. Yeah, I don't know what it's going to be like, but I'm not closed off to that opportunity and, you know, scenario. It's just not something I go looking for. I think I'm too focused on what I want career-wise and stuff with me, too ambitious now with my life yet that I'm just not ready to –
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why does it feel like everyone is in love all the time?
0:02–2:59
2
What societal pressures push us onto the “relationship escalator”?
2:59–6:33
3
What does Eli’s story of never falling in love reveal about being aromantic?
6:33–10:43
4
How do personal stories of never having loved shape our view of romance?
10:43–13:20
5
Can someone who’s never loved still feel hopeful about finding love?
13:20–17:07
6
How does fear of losing independence affect the desire for a romantic relationship?
17:07–20:45
7
What does it mean to be aromantic and how can you tell if you are?
20:45–24:09
8
Why is it okay to not have experienced romantic love at all?
24:09–27:47