Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! *The contents of this episode contain details of sexual assault which can be triggering for some people. Our first caller is debating cutting off her cousin and his wife. Our second caller is wondering if she’s letting her boyfriend down by not buying a house. And, our third caller is debating reconnecting with her absentee father. “This is a tale as old as time, that people feel justified with their feelings.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Quip - Free your mouth today and save 20% sitewide, plus a FREE travel case and countertop stand at https://getquip.com/nick Kikoff - Shake off the credit hangover and look forward to brighter credit with Kikoff. Get your first month for just a dollar at http://getkikoff.com/viall today. That’s 80% off “Kikoff” BetterHelp - Discover your relationship “green flags” with BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. DraftKings - Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code VIALL for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly, when you bet just five bucks. Dailylook - It’s time to get your own personal stylist with Dailylook. Head to https://dailylook.com to take your style quiz and use code VIALL for 50% off your order. Cymbiotika - High-quality, holistic health–right at your fingertips. Be present and feel your best for life’s most memorable moments. Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall for 20% off your order + free shipping today Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (03:40) - Trigger Warning (03:58) - Caller One - Sensitive Content (46:41) - Caller Two (01:32:38) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: What should I do about my cousin's wife after a traumatic event?
guy refused to leave the house. It was very odd. So he was like, well, I'll just, I'm too drunk to drive. I'm just going to sleep on the couch. And so I was just like, the whole situation is extremely uncomfortable. Very traumatic.
I'm so sorry. And so I'm just kind of, I'm blown away by these people's reaction. Like it, I mean, minus, I guess everyone.
Oh, it gets worse. She doesn't reach out besides the one phone call that I initiated. We never talk about it again. Four months goes by. She's a bit of a bridezilla. And the whole time I'm biting my tongue. So the weekend of the wedding comes and their wedding transportation was running late. I had a speaking part in the wedding. So I was worried about getting there on time.
So a couple offered to drive my then boyfriend and I to the wedding. And so we get in the car, the couple's in the car and they're like, oh, we offered to drive one other person. He's just going to hop in the trunk. And I'm like, okay. And in hops this guy. And I thought I was going to have a panic attack, but I just kind of like sat there and I was like, you know, I can do hard things.
I'm in therapy. I've worked through a lot of this, but at this point it's only been about four months since the assault. And then my boyfriend and him start like chumming it up because my boyfriend knew what happened, but didn't obviously know that this was
that guy and they're like shooting the shit about football and i'm just like sitting there trying to not have a panic attack but your boyfriend didn't know this was him to be clear no to be very clear he did not know um did you get around to telling him I did. And a lot of people have asked me now, did he not notice your energy shift?
And I was like, well, I was nervous about having to speak in front of 300 people. So I already didn't have great energy. So anyway, so it was like a 10 minute car ride. I jump out of the car and, you know, my boyfriend follows after me and I'm like, that's him. That's the guy. And my boyfriend wanted to just leave. He was like, let's leave the wedding. Like, you don't need to be here.
This is crazy. But I didn't. And I was like, no, I don't want to make a scene. You know, whatever. So we go to the wedding. I walk up in a church in front of 300 people and talk about love is patient, love is kind. And then decide that I'm not going to let this person ruin my night. So I have a great night. I don't pay any attention. He's like in my periphery.
We never communicate, never say anything. And that night ends. And pretty much from there, I just decided that my cousin and his wife don't deserve to be my friend. So I I decided to make a boundary. And at that point, I had decided if they reached out, if they texted me about whatever, I would respond because we're family. We have a very small family, whatever. That was the easiest thing for me.
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Chapter 2: How to handle family relationships after trauma?
But I don't think you're doing it to be petty. What I hope for you is that you just do things for yourself without worrying about how it's going to affect other people specifically when it comes to this and how other people react to you setting your boundaries is a them problem.
And you, you know, if she wants to throw a fit, I mean, listen, I, I guess I can only assume that, I mean, do you think, okay, let's you block her, right? She gets mad. She throws a fit, whatever. She can't rage text you anymore because she's blocked. Um, Block her on email, block her on Instagram, block her across the fucking board. So what could she do?
Could she go to other family members and say, Tiffany blocked me? Sure, but is she really going to force your hand to explain to people why?
well, that's how I felt about whether or not to write it for this podcast. Cause everyone's like, do you really want to go on a podcast and talk about this? Like, what if she hears it? I'm like, well, one, I don't, I don't know if she will or not, but two, that's not my problem. Like this, this is my story.
And like, also no one else is going to know because it's not like she's going around telling people like, this is the shitty thing I did to my cousin, you know, like, So I don't really, I don't really care if she goes around and tells people, I think it, cause I don't know what version, even if she changes the truth, there's no version that she could tell that doesn't make her look shitty.
Yeah. I mean, even if all this guy did was grope you, I would have just as strong of as an opinion. And the fact that this guy was so much worse, I, yeah. I mean, to your point, I just like your cousin and his wife are on fucking Mars.
I wish they'd stay there.
But I would have to, you know, talk to them. Yeah. I just, I don't know. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It sucks.
That's life.
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Chapter 3: Should I buy a house before getting married?
And listen, if he wants to come on, I can try to articulate my point of view, but maybe it'd just be easier for you guys to look up a couples therapist about this particular issue.
Sometimes, you know, lots of times couples during couples, you know, it's like the worst time to get, I mean, there's no bad time to get in couples therapy, but the most common time is like, like you said, it's like when you're about to break up or, you know, you've already broken up and someone's trying to get back together. And it's like, usually that's too late there.
I always say like therapy is way more effective when you treat it like a bicycle helmet or a safety belt rather than treat it like reconstructive surgery.
Yeah.
And so... He doesn't typically believe in therapy, so I feel like that's why he's... Listen, he's going to have to work with you, you know?
So right now... I feel like I normally just kind of go with what he says. It's easier if he gets really combative and... really defensive.
That's not going to get any better if you don't deal with that. So like marrying this person who you're describing as someone who either gets too emotional or too combative for you to try to get any resolution with him, you just give up is not a recipe for success. You can deal with it right now, but that will only lead to resentment. So you need to figure out
how to deal with difficult conversations that trigger your boyfriend, especially when he gets emotional. You need to figure out how to resolve those types of issues with your boyfriend, whatever those issues are, or this relationship is doomed. It's just a matter of time. I don't know when the bomb will go off,
but it will eventually go off if you can't learn how to deal with this with your boyfriend. So my advice is to, you guys need a third party. I mean, because clearly there's more going on than just like a disagreement about, you know, how to buy this house. There's some abandonment issues probably going on, things like that.
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Chapter 4: What are the financial implications of buying a house together?
Chapter 5: How do I set boundaries with family after trauma?
I agree.
And you have the right to hold these people accountable. Including your mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, sometimes tough love is the only way to get through to people. Like, again, bring up Natalie and her mom confrontation. I'm very confident they'll get through this and I'm very confident her mom is going to finally realize that she really fucked up and truly give the appropriate response to Natalie that she should have.
But it didn't happen without some tough conversations between Natalie and her mom and quite frankly from me as well. And that's okay. And sometimes you just need to say the thing. And in the heat of the moment, you're not going to get the reaction you want. There's going to be some defensiveness and things like that.
But my hope for your mom, of all people, is to that she processes what's happened, takes her feelings out of it and says, my only job right now is to be a mother to my daughter. And everything else is inconsequential.
Yeah. I agree with that.
All right.
Okay. I saw the locker.
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Chapter 6: What to do when your partner pressures you about finances?
And I feel like that's what happened last time when we broke up was that I just kept giving in, kept being like, all right, just easier. Because again, he is so hyper emotional. I really typically don't care about a lot of like, no, I don't care a lot of things, but like he sometimes cares so much. It's just easier if I just like give in.
But then it like slowly, I just kind of like started disconnecting from the relationship to the point that then I was like, I didn't feel anything. I just needed to leave.
Yeah, so you've already broken up once with this man for doing exactly what he's doing, and he's not, it doesn't sound like he's made many improvements in this department. You just basically got a break.
Well, and then when I left, he was hardcore, like, agreeing with us, saying I was right, that he shouldn't have done any of that, that, like, he was going to go to therapy, that he'd, like, have it all figured out, that he was going to, like, work on all these things, and I was right the whole time, that, like, he would never put me through that again. And there were some changes, and I think...
Because there are things that maybe you're doing wrong here. It's not about right or wrong. It wouldn't surprise me to come to find out there are maybe ways that you could communicate things differently that don't trigger him, period. Or whether you trigger him, make him feel abandoned or whatever, bring out this child in him that gets hyper emotional.
I'm sure you both could communicate better with each other. And so listen, if you go to him and say, listen, I really want to figure this out with you. We're obviously not seeing eye to eye on this big decision. These are huge decisions for us. And I would like us to go to a couples therapy so that we can try to get on the same page and honestly deal with this issue.
But maybe we'll just learn how to better communicate with each other. And if he shuts you down there, then your response would be like, listen, I don't know what to tell you. You're not like, I don't believe in therapy. What does that even mean? This is like, you're not asking him to like change religions. Like what do you, you don't have to believe in therapy to go to therapy. Just go.
Call it therapy. Call it a middleman. It's a therapy. Or we could call up this podcaster who's not a therapist. Whatever. Someone needs to mediate. Yeah, it could be a friend. It could be a parent. But it's better off when it's someone who should be unbiased and someone who's not. Someone's side so no one can be like, well, it's your mom or it's your friend or it's the podcast you listen to.
It should be a third-party person. And if he is unwilling to do that, then he's giving you nothing. He's giving you nothing. You, I mean, you have, he has to give you something.
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Chapter 7: How to navigate relationship stress around home buying?
But that's not how it works. I mean, you're, if that's really how your boyfriend thinks, then he has some growing up to do. And, quite honestly, it sounds like he may need some individual therapy, but I think step one is get you guys into couples therapy and get him maybe more comfortable with that.
So he doesn't feel like, you know, if you suggest therapy, that's going to make him feel like he's the person in the wrong and he needs to do the work or whatever. But like you're in therapy, I don't know. You know? So yeah, he's, I know you love him. I know you want to make this work, but he's got to work with you. And so right now I think you should give him the opportunity to work with you.
about getting more connected everything you're describing about how this is being handled is a recipe for disaster yeah i feel like we're just like slowly going right back to where we were when i left and i don't like i love him so much that i don't i want to marry him like that it's like 1000% my goal yeah i believe it i love ain't enough you know it just isn't
People have to do their part. You cannot do his work for him. You can do 100% of your half and he has to be willing to do his. Saying I love you and saying I want to marry you and saying I want to have kids with you is not enough. Those are just words. You have to show up every day. You have to look in the mirror and ask, how could I do better? How can I be more accountable? What role can I play?
And again, that's only your part. And, you know, I'm sure you have improvements to make in this relationship as everyone does. But right now I'm hearing a lot of like, You're trying to do that. And he's just leading with his emotions constantly.
And when he feels triggered or he feels like unsafe in this relationship because of his abandonment issues, he uses that as a trump card over everything else. And you don't know what to do. And he turns into this like child like self. And you often just concede because he's throwing an adult temper tantrum. And again, for small things, yeah, like you can get by doing that for a period of time.
But as it's always are, which has already been the case in this relationship, it runs its course.
Yeah. I feel like it's like, I'm scared that it'll bring, like, I want to bring up couples therapy and I have like for a while. And I remember I told myself before, like when this, like when we got back together, I was like, all right, if we're going to get to the point of engagement that I want to do couples therapy, like if we can engage or like, I want that to be a goal, but yeah.
I feel like sometimes he sees it as a direct attack that I'm telling him that I'm not happy and I'm going to break up with him.
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