Our first caller’s brother is a h*e. Our second caller is debating divorcing her husband. And, our third caller is wondering if a guy is just a bad communicator or not into her. “A marriage needs two people who want to figure it out and try" Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: [email protected] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Wayfair - This summer, get outside with Wayfair. Head to https://wayfair.com right now. Headspace - Feel good... and mean it when you say it!! For a limited time, get Headspace FREE for 60 days. Go to https://headspace.com/VIALLFILES Rocket Money - Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter our show name The Viall Files in the survey so they know we sent you! True Classic - True Classic delivers premium essentials built for real life. Grab yours at Target or Costco, or head to https://trueclassic.com/viall to get hooked up today. Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:13) - Caller One (20:38) - Caller Two (01:06:45) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: What should I do if my brother is a h*e?
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How's it going? It's good.
How are you?
Good. What's your name?
My name is Ashley and I'm 34.
How can I help Ashley?
So my brother is a hoe.
Okay. Well, and why is that a problem?
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Chapter 2: How can I maintain a relationship with a brother who is cheating?
To give a little bit of backstory, I found out I was pregnant in 2023. I have a 17-month-old.
Congratulations.
Thank you. Congratulations on River. She's adorable. And so my sister-in-law actually found out she was pregnant the month after. So we have babies that are a month apart. It's great. I love it. Your sister-in-law being your- My brother's wife.
So he's cheating on her?
Yes, that came out. So they were going through the IVF process and she actually got an STD. So they had to clear all that up because they were going through IVF. My sister-in-law had some fertility issues, obviously. So she thought this was kind of like her only chance to have a kid. So she went through the IVF process. Everything had come out that he was cheating on her.
And then when she was pregnant, it had come out that he had been cheating on her for the entirety of their relationship. Um, and so because he lives overseas, he's taken advantage of things that aren't legal in the United States that are legal where he lives.
Um, like what?
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Chapter 3: What should I consider before deciding to divorce?
So like, um, I guess like massage parlors and stuff like that. And I think he was also meeting other women on the internet. So he was going to the local big city going on dates. Meanwhile, my sister-in-law is at home pregnant and,
at home where so they live overseas okay so she lives with him yeah she will she doesn't anymore but she doesn't or she did that so when all of this came out she obviously moved back to the states had the baby my sister-in-law keeps a great relationship with my mom um so they can see my niece grow up but i have received and my husband has also received multiple dms from multiple women
Telling us that I need to control my brother, that my husband needs to control his brother-in-law and stop him from spreading his STDs.
What are these STDs?
I don't know. I haven't had that conversation with my brother. So because he lives overseas, it's difficult to communicate with him because he's sleeping when I'm awake. So I kind of just needed some advice when it comes to he's gone through waves of ghosting my parents. And my mom simply just wants to talk to him like, how is how is your day? How was work? How's life? That's the end of that.
But he doesn't always respond. So I kind of just wanted some advice on how to kind of keep to maintain that relationship. And then also, I don't really have a relationship with him right now because I don't love, obviously, what he did. And then I also think that it's just difficult because of the time difference.
Is he in contact with his... I'm assuming they're divorced now?
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Chapter 4: How do I handle an incompatible marriage?
Yes. So they are not legally only for benefits. Once she gets a job, then she'll go through with all of that. But she hasn't been able to get a job because she's taking care of their daughter and then living with her parents.
And she does keep in contact with your brother?
For the sake of their daughter, yes.
Your brother is kind of a loser, huh?
Yeah. And this is like never, this all had just come out within the past like two years. Like if you would have said my brother would have done this, he was a little bit of a late bloomer in like the dating world. So I don't like, if you would have told me this 10, 15 years ago, I would have been like, yeah, no, he doesn't have, my husband was like, really?
Like he has, we didn't, we weren't aware of this game that he had.
Have you followed up with any random messages from these women?
My husband did. So my husband had said that he followed up with, he got a LinkedIn DM to have us to try and control my brother from spreading his STDs, which I don't know what they were. And I think he followed up and I think it was just like... STDs, plural?
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What advice can I get for dealing with ex-spouses?
I feel like they let dads be there for the birth of their children usually.
Yeah. I don't know why he didn't really give me any explanation.
Gotcha. And how, how involved is he really when it comes?
I don't think he's very involved. My mom actually had spoken with him recently and she said that he was possibly trying to make an Easter basket for my niece, but I don't know to what extent.
How direct do you think your parents are?
They're not. I think, I mean, my mom feels a lot of guilt. She feels like it's kind of her fault because, I mean, my parents, just because she raised him.
Fair enough. But, you know, he is an adult. But I don't think continuing to coddle this guy is the answer.
no no and i don't think that he was coddled by my parents at all like he definitely recognized his mistake but um i've had conversations with my sister-in-law where she because i mean they're still married she has access to his joint their joint bank account and she can kind of see his spending and i mean she doesn't care obviously now who he's like with but she sees the charges on his bank statements so she can kind of track where he goes
He's just getting jerked off by masseuses. Jesus. Well, I mean, I don't know how much, you know, you said that's not the type of conversation I want to have with my brother. Well, that maybe that's the type of conversation he needs to hear. Like I, he probably doesn't want to have that conversation with his sister anymore that you want to have it with your,
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Chapter 6: How to address issues of selfishness in a relationship?
Maybe he has this weird addiction. You know, I don't know.
Yeah. I also think that he's a very high functioning alcoholic. So that's definitely a problem that hasn't been addressed.
yeah i mean and he's you know this is dangerous behavior you know if he really is going around with multiple stds be it like herpes you know chlamydia i mean chlamydia gonorrhea like you know those these are curable um yeah but like as far as i know it's a curable one As far as you know. Okay.
Yeah.
And hopefully he's addressed it. But like, if he's still going around, I mean, this is dangerous behavior, not only for himself, but obviously for other people who, who, you know, but yeah, I think you guys, you need to start taking this seriously. I mean, you're,
i mean the only way to address it is head on you know yeah just you can't be afraid to have the uncomfortable conversation you can't you know it's definitely going to be uncomfortable but you know maybe it just starts with what do you like do you what are you doing like yeah you know like and i think i mean there have been times where like i would get a dm i would screenshot it to him and i would be like listen this is not like i don't want to get involved
Obviously, you know, through social media, like, you can tell that he's my brother. I post things with both of us, you know. But I pretty much said, like, hey, you need to stop this. Like, this is not... And usually his response is, like...
i'm not doing anything nothing's going on meanwhile i know that that's not true even if it's just like be a dad like yeah i think you need to shame the out of him for how much of a loser he is for the type of father he's decided to be so far yeah um Yeah.
I mean, and you know, if he's, you know, maybe he needs help getting sober, but like, I think you got to start painting the picture of what you guys see, you know, like what, what happened to you? Like you're, you're an absent father. You were a terrible husband. You, you are destroying people's lives. I'm getting random messages from people. You're passing STDs.
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Chapter 7: What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
Yeah. I mean, it's terrible. Like I couldn't imagine. My biggest advice for you is like, if you really care about this, then, then do something about it. You know, obviously traveling there would be a huge step, but like right now you, you're, you know, you, you say things like, well, you know, I can't really find the time to call him. Like you could, you know, like, you know what I'm saying?
Like you could wake up in the middle of the night if it mattered, you know, like you could go out of your way to make sure you were available because he's not going to obviously go out of his way. You know, he's not going to make it convenient for you. So he's gonna make it inconvenient for you. But like, if you wanna try to help him, you gotta go out of your way.
And you can't, you know, things like, I don't wanna get involved or it's not my problem. Like, you know, like with certain things, I totally get it.
So it's like, you know, you can't, you're not his parent, but you know, you're not, you know, but like if you are seeing a loved one or someone you care about, not only put themselves in danger or put other people in danger and you're worried for their wellbeing and the other people around them,
At some point, yeah, you, you, you need to make it your business, you know, if you really want to help this person and you can't, you know, and listen, at some point you might, you might try, you might call him, you might, you might even fly there and, you know, he might not listen, like at least, but what you don't want to happen. you know, is something unforgivable.
I mean, it's like, he's already done some kind of unforgivable things, but like it could get worse, you know? And you don't want to think you didn't, you know, if it got worse, you don't want to feel like you could have done something more.
Yeah.
You might not be able to do anything. I don't know. You know, it sounds like maybe your brother isn't really in, in, in, in bad shape. And, you know, I don't know what he's experienced as, as someone who's been serving in the military. I don't know what trauma he's had to endure, if any, you know, by serving in the military. you know, obviously you're not a professional therapy therapist.
It's like, you can only do so much, but you definitely haven't done everything you can. Right. Like, you know, and, and time zone differences really shouldn't stop you from going out of your way to doing whatever you can.
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