why do you change to feel loved
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Why do we feel the need to perform for others?
There have been many moments in my life where I have struggled to be genuine. I've struggled to be myself because I knew somebody was watching. It didn't matter who that person was. It didn't matter if it was my crush, my hinged situationship. It didn't matter if it was a family member or someone, I don't know, I didn't even know at all. I had the feeling that somebody was watching me.
What does it mean to be genuine?
I always feel like somebody's watching me. And that's literally how I felt. Because in a good portion of my life, I feel like I have been performing for others. And I also wonder if you have been. Are you performing? Are you putting on an act? I don't know. It's easy to say that, right? But Oftentimes, we can't even recognize that we're putting on an act because it's so deeply entrenched with who we are. We think that the act that we have put on for other people, that's us. And we get that completely served back to us as if it's a bread bowl from Panera with French onion soup. That's usually my order. Extra cheese. And people say, no, no, this is who you are. You are the person that is always happy. You are the friend that is always good. You are just the person who makes films. You can't make music. You are just the person who's going to law school. You don't do all of this other creative stuff. You are just the person that I have decided to put in a box. And so what do we do? Like,
How do societal expectations shape our identity?
What do we do when we know that we are in this box, when we know that people see us a certain way? Well, some of us go against the grain, and some of us really, really rebel against it. We say, that does not define me. I define who I am. And actually, we do. We end up still performing. It's just the performance becomes combative. It becomes dismissive of the perspective that is trying to be forced upon us or the idea of who we are. And sometimes we do that in a way that's really harmful to us. Maybe we think that we need to change physically. We need to get a certain kind of modification to our personality. or even our body in order to show that, no, I am not like the person you think I am.
But I also think, contrary to that, a lot of us just accept it. We hear that we are a certain kind of person, and we look around and say, well, so many people view me that way. I might as well perform for them. And there is comfort in performing. There is so much comfort in being the person that somebody says you should be.
Can we find a balance between acceptance and rebellion?
I've performed more times than I can count in friendships and also in relationships. Oh my God. I have performed so much in relationships. I have felt that I needed to be a certain way to keep my partner. I have felt that I needed to be hyper-masculine and alpha and chin-line chiseled in order to keep a person that, honestly, I just kept around because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't even like them. I just didn't want to be alone. It really makes you think about why we act the way that we do. And it makes you really ponder if there is a middle ground. Can both be true? Can you accept some of the things that people say about you because you actually believe in them too and they feel genuine and they feel like an extension of who you want to be?
Why do we change who we are for relationships?
And can you also rebel against the ones that are just plain wrong? Both can be true. They can be. But it's a hard thing to grapple with because you really have to do an internal dialogue. And you have to ask yourself what is a performance and what is genuine. And how are you supposed to know that? Who teaches you that? Nobody teaches you that. Nobody's taught me that of what is actually me and what isn't me. And let alone, like, there have been so many moments in my life where I was feeling immense discomfort with who I was. I was feeling immense discomfort with my life, the surroundings around me. I was not happy. I felt complacent. I felt as if everything didn't have a meaning to me. But it was because it wasn't real.
None of my life was really mine. I was just on a stage performing, doing a little dance, doing a little, hey, hey, hey, hey. That's all I was doing for other people the entire time. And it really took me reflecting in a relationship that I had with a partner that I thought was very, very pretty. I got into this relationship because I was physically attracted to them and I thought that
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do we feel the need to perform for others?
0:00–0:27
2
What does it mean to be genuine?
0:27–1:50
3
How do societal expectations shape our identity?
1:50–3:15
4
Can we find a balance between acceptance and rebellion?
3:15–4:16
5
Why do we change who we are for relationships?
4:16–7:24
6
What is the impact of fear on our authenticity?
7:24–9:35
7
How can embracing our true self lead to fulfillment?
9:35–11:06
8
What are the challenges of being ourselves in relationships?
11:06–21:51