you can’t control how they feel
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Why do we feel responsible for others' happiness?
I used to think that other people's happiness was entirely dependent on me. When they were in a bad mood, I would think that I did something wrong and that it was my fault and I felt guilty. and i very quickly found myself living for other people more than for myself it's a really bad habit it's a really dark place to be when you are so hyper fixated on everybody except yourself everyone except you matter i had a few relationships where I really tried to be on my best behavior and the other person still blew me off or the other person still didn't care. And that's really where I realized something. It's not your job. It's not your job. In a relationship, whether that is a friendship or that is a romantic relationship, an intimate relationship, a situationship, which is like, come on, situationships, we gotta leave those in 2024 like yesterday. Your job in a relationship is to be the best version of you. That's it. That is the job.
What is the importance of self-communication in relationships?
You do that, in my opinion, through communication, which is insanely difficult. It is insanely hard. I know because I'm a yapper. But when it comes to communicating in a relationship, it is one of the hardest things because we want to immediately assume that the other person knows what's going on in our brain because we are intimate with that person, because we know them more than a stranger, when that's not the case. It's never the case. Like... You have no, I have no idea, you know. They might be thinking about the chopped chin video. And I might be thinking about, why haven't you talked to me today? You have no idea. You just, you don't know. Communication. then on top of that communication what's really really important is following through being somebody of your word when you promise something you deliver you don't make empty promises that's not good in a relationship and being fair being fair if they have a valid concern hearing them out and being like all right you know maybe i haven't been the best to you that's fair and of those three there are a lot more
but not one of them is keeping the other person happy. It's not, because that is not your job. That is not your job. And so many people live for other people. They don't live for themselves. And listen, there's a weird connotation with being selfish, right? Like we consider doing the thing that's best for us as, oh, that's really selfish.
How can selfishness lead to healthier relationships?
But sometimes being selfish is the best for the both of you. I'm going to say it. Sometimes being selfish means stepping away from a relationship that is really bad, that is really toxic. And both of you, for some reason, have continued to spiral in it. It's a selfish thing in theory, right? Well, why would you step away? Like, shouldn't you work on it? But sometimes you are past the point of no return. And it's like you just got to, we're done. We are done. That's it. But still, in my adult life, I have met so many people who care about what other people say but mainly how they how they like well that person is gonna get offended by that if they're getting offended at the most simple things and you have to explain yourself every time i'm sorry that's just like not that is not a good friend that is not it's different if you offend somebody you know if you if you do something that you had no idea was going to be bad if you were rude to them as a joke and then they took it seriously that's different but if you have to walk on eggshells
It's not your job. It's not your job to try to, oh, I have to step this way. I can't say this around this person or like, well, we have to invite this person, but we can't let this person know that I invited that person because they're going to get upset. Why? Why?
What should you prioritize in your relationships?
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That's not your job.
And maybe you're in a position right now where that seems like that is your world. Because it is. You don't have any other responsibilities. You don't have bills to pay. You're not buying $20 lattes and going on a date for $60 at Chili's. But when that is done, when school, college, all of that is done... you will realize that nobody's got time for that. Nobody's got time to step on eggshells.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do we feel responsible for others' happiness?
0:00–1:18
2
What is the importance of self-communication in relationships?
1:18–3:01
3
How can selfishness lead to healthier relationships?
3:01–4:46
4
What should you prioritize in your relationships?
4:46–6:11
5
Why is it not your job to keep others happy?
6:11–7:03
6
How do personal responsibilities change after school?
7:03–7:54
7
What are the challenges of maintaining friendships?
7:54–8:48
8
When should you step away from toxic relationships?
8:48–19:29