Alain De Botton

And often it's more complicated than it looks.

Sometimes a lot of affairs are started by people, not because they don't care about their partner, but because caring has become problematic in some way.

Maybe they think that their partner doesn't care enough.

And it's an attempt to shore up a kind of fragile self-esteem.

And they feel so vulnerable in front of a partner that they love, but they don't know whether they are loved back, that they feel the need to kind of shore up their kind of ego elsewhere.

I'm not saying it's a great idea, but it's important to kind of get sympathy.

Generally, what I find is that there's a lot of repulsive behavior on the surface of relationships.

People call each other unbelievable things.

They're mean in ways that are extraordinary.

We don't have the cameras on most of the time, but you, dear listener, you know there are some really appalling things.

You're probably a really great friend and a fantastic colleague, but when the doors are shut, there's horrific stuff.

Now, it's very easy to think, well, you know, my partner is a monster or I'm a monster.

I think that a lot of bad behaviour really stems from anxiety and vulnerability.

It is incredibly frightening to make yourself vulnerable to someone.

And, you know, classic thing, you know, somebody comes home from work, they're tired, they're exhausted, they want their partner and their partner's sitting there and they say to their partner something like, hi, nice to see you.

And their partner goes, hi, just hi.

And it's a little, just a

tiny thing, but you kind of get the sense the partner's not that happy to see you.

At which point, normally, what can happen is you put the barrier back up and you go, well, actually, I'm quite busy tonight.

I'm going to go upstairs.