Gardini
Appearances
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz
It was a mistake, but then I would scoop it with the crackers.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz
Anywhere, bro. Anywhere. But I think it's, like, frozen, though. It's frozen. That would be fine if it's shrimps, but... Shrimps would be easy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz
You could get, like, a cheesesteak from Philadelphia. I'll probably stick with Chipotle bowls. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz
What'd they say? This says you're allowed to drink, of course, at the Masters, but it couldn't be more opposite than the Waste Management Invitational. Yeah, the Waste Management, intentionally, you just get fucked up. Oh, really?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz
I'm proud to be part of the 10%. You're a 10%er? Yeah, I'm a 10%er. And it happens so often I can't even recall like the last time. Really? Yeah. But not like turds or nothing. Yeah, no one's dropping full logs. It's just diarrhea. I don't think I've ever dropped a full log, but I've squirted out some diarrhea probably on a monthly, once a month schedule.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz
Yeah, he's very familiar with mics. Just asking him to keep it a fist away from his face. No one can do it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
So the dudes who were in POW, they would capture you and you would just be getting fed nonstop. And then you'd slowly be like, shit, they're fucking, they would eat one of your boys and you go, oh no, dude. I thought they were treating me like a king over here. They would fatten, they would just like have dudes they captured and be like, he's looking pretty good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
he's getting pretty good these guys no offense to any uh mayans listening but these guys deserved what they had coming yeah i didn't i didn't know they got the the spanish got crushed a couple times a couple times it was like these they would launch these like expeditions and just end up on the shore and it would just be cannibals fucking freaking out at you as soon as you rolled up they'd be blowing darts fucking throwing shit at you but that's yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
They were more explorer types. They would hang out, roll up, and be like, oh, this is sick. Because a small amount took down everybody. Oh, yeah. Well, Cortez, apparently... I don't know if there's multiple Cortezes, but this was a... His name was Cortez. I forget his first name.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But after two or three dudes rolled up and got kind of what for, he was like, fuck this, and brought 11 ships and 500 dudes. And then he showed up, and they just thought... It wasn't even just about his beard.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
he i forget what he oh he rolled up and he took the whole village he took everything and then he found a guy's it was like a nobleman's wife one of the lord's wives and he was like he they plundered everything and he contacted he's like go back and tell him like we're gonna give you back all your stuff and the villagers all came back and they all the spaniards are like here's all your shit we're not trying to fuck with you we're just trying to like get we're trying to chill with you guys and they were like fuck this dude rules and i think eventually he fucking yeah crushed all yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, well, that was like, yeah, when they told him, like... It might have been the Aztecs. He was one of them where they brought him in. It was just him and like six dudes in the Kings, like inner sanctum. They were like, dude, you guys are so cool. Your beards are so fucking sick. And then they're like, yeah, cool, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
The one Cortez I heard, he like was kind of chilling with them, you know, getting down. Eventually they gave him a... a Mayan bride. And he like, that was like his lady. He started like sailing with her and she would like, um, yeah, I don't know if it was the Cortez, the killer, just another Cortez, but yeah, the flag was sick, dude. It was just the cross.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
They'd be like all, all who worship this symbol, like worship the symbol and have faith in it and we will conquer. They would just fly in. Actually, this Cortez was a big missionary. He would go in their temples and just knock their statues down and be like, you guys got to praise the Virgin Mary. And apparently a lot of them were like, for sure.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
And when they would go, other Spaniards would pass by some of the villages on boats. They would just go, Maria, Maria. Nice. They loved Mary, dude. That's good. Yeah, it was pretty chill.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Someone shows up on 11 giant boats and they ride horses off the boat onto the beach. You're just like, bro. Yeah, I'm with them. I trust them. What's your story? And they're like, no, dude. And they're just like, that's so fucking sick. Because their guy, Quetzalcoatl, was like their big dude. Do you know what his name was originally? Cthulhu. Just like the Irish mythological guy. Cthulhu.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I didn't know that. Yeah, kind of nuts. Remember that lady I tried to book for the podcast who was like an ancient alien specialist? She wrote a whole book about how the Mayans were Irish. And we was Mayans.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But yeah, I'm going to keep reading that book. It's pretty, it's pretty tight. It was written by this guy, Diego Landa, who was just a missionary who was documenting like just kind of how they got down. And they just kind of like studied outer space really hard. And then they just like cut people's heads off and just chilled. Pretty cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I never know where the fuck they live. The Mayans or the Yucatan? The Incas are like Peru. Okay, so they're in Peru. The Andes Mountains. And where were the Aztecs? The Aztecs were Mexico as well. Okay. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But apparently there were Mexicans that weren't Mayans that would come down. They would battle the Mayans a lot, too. They were battling the lads, like, way back when. Who knows? But, yeah, it's pretty cool. The Spaniards would come down and, like, get in a fight. They, like, would name the places. The one bay is just called, like, the Malo Pilar, which just means the bad fight.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
mayan yeah the mayans were into independent city-states yeah it's it wasn't like one empire no they weren't like a group of people they just or there wasn't like they were just kind of a bunch of different flourished until 900 a.d so like 500 years before the spanish got there yeah but then i think they just became like probably just chilling they're just yeah there's chillers they had one central town they all like joined in allegedly after fucking quetzalcoatl like showed them how to get down
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
And they all hung out, but it would always be three brothers who were chill, and they would just turn evil and kill each other. Every time. Three brothers, they'd start a podcast, turn on each other. It would just be three dudes being like, yeah, we're in charge of all this. And then one day, one would be like, I want 75 fucking wives. That's usually how it goes. Yeah, Hernan Cortez. Yeah. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He was a bro. I didn't get to the part where they... I mean, it was written by the Spaniards, so the guy was just like, yeah, dude, he was pretty chill. Everyone liked him. I don't know what else happened. He was pretty fucking cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But yeah, they had a guy who was... There was like two kind of like bishop-type dudes, and one guy was like, we have to torture these guys. because they keep worshiping snakes and cutting people's heads off. So we had to torture them to like, it's the only way these guys and the guys like we can't torture him. And then one dude, he's like, try.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He came to convince the guy like we shouldn't be doing this. The guy's like, no, watch this. And it's like torture the guy in front of him. He's like, it works. He's like pulling a dude's teeth out of his head. Like, see, he doesn't like it. Now he'll do whatever I want. He doesn't like it at all. Now he's really afraid of us. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I was trying to think about, like, the different races of human beings and which one are, like, air, water, earth, fire. I, like, thought about this the other day. I was at the beach. I was just high at the beach. And I was like, damn, dude. I kind of figured it out. It's like white people are water people, I believe. Asians are air. And then you go down to, like.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
You're saying black people are mud? No. No. Latinos are fire for sure. That was the kind of the back... No, it's Earth. There's nothing wrong with Earth.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, I'd be going nuts. Actually, speaking of concerts, I heard some good news. I talked to two people who had gone to a Katy Perry concert recently. And said she held it down? Said it was fucking fire, dude. They said, don't believe the fake news. They said the Katy Perry concerts are... He said, what a performance.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Someone gets left out, though. I thought I had it mapped out. I'm like, wait a second. Because then you have Indian... Indians are definitely Earth. It could be fire, dude. Indians or earth for sure. Indians or I had that. Cause I was like, yeah. Cause I forgot about Latinos. I'm like, okay, they're fire for sure. But then it's like earth. But I was going, what about my African brothers?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
What would they be? Cause then I'm like, I was like, maybe the ether. I could throw in the fifth. It could be the ether. What do you guys think? I think earth. I think earth. But then what about Indian guys? Someone's getting left out. Then what are Indian guys? They're with Asians. They can be... Air. True. Air, earth, earth, air.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth. I was like, yeah, this could actually go really well. I'll share this one.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Sure, I'd like to create space for different voices. I don't have anything to say. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
latino heat yeah it's latino heat yeah bro i don't know man look i don't want to speak for you guys i like to elevate your voices in the matter but yeah we do want to hold space for black podcasters but uh yeah earth dude you guys got a claim earth's probably the best one i think we're plasma
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Ether. I was giving you guys Ether. I was like, Ether is the best. Indian guys are Earth for sure. I can't believe you're pleading the fifth on this. The fifth element. He's claiming.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, they're all elements. Why is Earth good?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
And it's one of those things where Asians are definitely air. Let's do process of elimination.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Black people are avatars, man. We fucking get all four, I think, if we're from Africa. You get all four? We get all four. Yeah. And no offense.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Have you ever seen those Jamaican guys jump off the barge into the water? It's in the name.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
The monkeys have achieved. Do you want Chinese air? That stuff's bad. Don't turn this on me. No.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Forget I even brought this up. Let's just drop it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
For sure. Yeah, all the elements are, none of them are more essential than the others. Don't make us take Earth.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Fine. We'll give you guys air. White people are the avatars.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
One of my bros. The beach people. One of my bros. They saw KP.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I just wanted to wait to hear what black people said. Like, no, that's ours.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
That's a good idea, but we're going to take that. We're going to take that idea. It's really cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I didn't think about the gas element. That could be gas. Gas. Dude, oh, dude, switch gears. I wanted to tell you, dude, I went to, I think I told you this yesterday, but I was at Port Aransas, Texas, the beach. Oh, yeah. Dude, it is, at first glance, the sickest setup. You ever been to a 4x4 beach? Cars pull up. Oh, no, I don't know if I have. Dude, this was, for real, it was insane, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
It was like fucking... Only during COVID-19.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
There were no rules. Dude, the beach was a road. Like, that upper portion of the beach was like a full. Outer Banks has that. Yeah, okay. Dude, it was kind of sick. Just like, you just bop around on golf carts, faded on a golf cart, blasting the music from your phone. It's water stuff. The speaker. True. Now you're talking water. Also, dude, it was the Texas beach.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Everyone pulls up and like sets up like pretty sick setups like a truck. It's like tailgate barbecues, Trump flags everywhere. Got me thinking. It's like nobody parties under the Biden banner. People party under the Trump flag. I've never seen someone just get down under a Biden flag. Oh, that would suck so bad.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Just turkey burgers. You should do it at that beach. Do it at that beach.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Just like turkey burgers and fucking Impossible.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Never seen it. You never seen somebody flying a Biden banner and just partying. Get a nice Kamala flag, too. That's a party. That would be tight. A Harris-Walls flag. Just getting wrecked. Just having so much blasting NPR. I'm like, that's actually very important. I never thought of it like that. I didn't think about that. Just kissing a guy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
It was not fun. You couldn't blast Kid Rock's summer anthem. Moving whiskey out the bottle. Turn this off. He shot the bottle. Turn this off. Hey, turn that off right now. Yeah, man. I'm telling you, I want to see somebody do it. I want everyone to have fun. But it turns out the Trump flags are kind of corner of the border. They are kind of a beacon for a good party. Kind of, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, you have a good time. It was making me sad. But at nighttime, it is funny. My friend was pointing it out. It is Fury Road. You go on the beach at nighttime, and it's just kids hanging off golf carts like war boys. It was fun. But, dude, the— Were there some fires going at night? Yep. You had a beach fire. Dude, they would come out. The thing was called Cinnamon Shore.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
So, like, you go to Port Aransas, and it's like the town, by the way, bleak. I went to the grocery store like 10 minutes away to grab some supplies for last night. Dude, I'm not exaggerating this at all. There was an older lady cashier, and, you know, she was just kind of sitting there. And I'm like, hey, how are you doing? You know, normal stuff. Yeah. She just sighs and she was like, not good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm like, okay. Good for her. Dude, it was actually refreshing. And I was like, oh, dude. And then she took it even further. She was like, yeah, I just... I don't like this job at all. And I was like, okay. I was like, fair enough. And I was like, you know what? Let me just shut up. It's probably annoying. You know, it's the 50th. Because she was like, it's just the same thing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Just people come over and over. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? Let me shut up. I'm probably the 50th guy to ask you how your day is. She's like, yeah, I just remember when my life used to have meaning. I was like, okay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, dude. And then she goes, she was like, I used to be an assistant librarian in Samoa. I was like, okay, cool. She's like, yeah. Then a flood took the place out. Really bad flood. Killed a lot of children. I'm just like, Jesus fucking Christ. She goes, there were families of children that died. She says, luckily, and this made the other person in line next to me turn around.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, a lot of the, this could be a media narrative. Shit fucking sucked.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
She goes, luckily, it wasn't on the tourist side. And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, man. Damn.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, I think she was kind of faded, dude. There was a display of buzz balls next to her. I'm like, she must be crushing these buzz balls.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Who's going to notice? What's that, a butterscotch buzz ball?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, she kept going. She was like, yeah, man. She was like, you know, could you imagine? Funerals are sad, but imagine a funeral for multiple children at the same time. I'm like, Jesus Christ. She's like, and you got to put the bodies up high because if you put them down low, they just wash away. I'm like, okay. Dude, it was a 10-minute exchange. She's like, yeah, my ex-husband, we met out there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He's a drunk. All the guys in Samoa, by the time they're 60, they're drunks. They have nothing to do. They're just drunks, probably drunks before that. She was like, she just broke down her ex-husband. She's like, smart guy, no common sense.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
he's probably drunk right now and i'm like looking at him like you're probably drunk right now lady but went on for 10 and then i started finally like i got i got the last thing bagged up and i was like all right have a good one and then she just like just smiled such a big smile and i was like okay thank you she goes so how are you doing yeah true yeah yeah so what's up with you it's all right it's just going well just signed a spotify deal uh it's pretty easy i just do podcasts
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
It's pretty good. I actually haven't beat off in like seven days. I'm getting raging boners every morning. Should have fired back. That's good. Dude, I've been fucking, I don't know what happened. I've turned a corner. We'll see if I can keep it. But I'm just, bro, I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not at, I'm not even trying to have sex. I'm not trying to, I'm not fapping.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm just like, just going to be really, I've tried this so many times, but I think I've turned the corner. I've been getting charged up that like when I'm like, obviously, you know, you have to come really bad. I've just been like reveling in that feeling. And I'm just like, dude, I'm just going to charge myself up as much as I can. Every once in a while when I'm hung over, I get the ultimate.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I drove home kind of like that. And I was not lying.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, I was rock hard. Rock hard for an entire drive. Dude, it was a three hour, 45 minute drive. No cap. I think I might have been hard for two and a half hours straight. Yeah. Just nonstop. It was like I was driving and Brittany would like put her hand on my thigh and I was real going like... I was trying to shift it. I was fucking... I was in a state, dude. It was crazy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But yeah, I'm going to try to keep it up and just see if I can get charged up off the life energy. Because it's a huge difference, man. When you're ramped like that, if you can like just...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
power through it yeah you have energy oh all these people say they're tired it's like bro hold it off yeah for real i want to try to like not do it for a month and then get my t-checked and just see what my levels are i would imagine they'd be fucking high if you just held if you held in your goop I'm like a broken record on this, but for real, I might have turned the corner.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I've got goop on the brain. It's goop retention, goop release. I like it all.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
So, yeah, that's been a welcome. And I keep taking the maca. I'm just feeding the beast.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
The mayor had a blanket over himself when I came in.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, it's kind of a miserable life, honestly. My kids go to dance class, and it's like, dude, you forget ballerinas are like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
This morning count is three in the morning. Oh, you got your fucking goop out of three? Yeah, dude. I heard you had a little bit of a... Do you have a partner here?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Just throw your phone in a fire afterwards.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I always throw my phone. There's like a pile of clothes. I always throw my phone on a pile of clothes and I'm done.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Be gone. Has anyone gotten like freaky with AI? What do you mean? Just been like, find me the freakiest vids. Or like, you could get it. No one's ever gotten freaky with it, I don't think.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm not at all, dude. I don't know why everyone's spazzing out about it. It's like, I don't know. Well, the thing is, if you have a job where you're doing admin work, toast. You're a toast. Good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
evil like when they get older they've been like screamed at since they were a child and beaten yeah they've been dude it's like i i i've dealt i've been dealing with some aged ballerina types and it's like not the friendliest bunch dude yeah it's not all like tutus and fucking pilets dude they're they're fucking mean man and i'm like sitting there like damn i like watch them i'm like taking them
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're going to have to figure it out because it will erase...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
No, you know what they do now with the automated cashiers? They wait until you're just on camera and they wait until you get up to like $500 of theft and they just come to your house. So you can have a field day, and eventually you get a knock on the door, and they're like, yo, bro. They wait until it gets to whatever the limit is for, like, larceny. And then you just get a knock on the door.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, you've been... I've waged war against them. And I... Dude, I'm telling you, it's... I knew. I was like, they just came out. They budget for billions of loss, even like any store does. The loss prevention is like, they're like, we're going to lose at least a billion this year. Like in Walmart, they know they're like, we're losing whatever it is, 100 million, whatever.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
So I was like, bro, these are just rolling out. And I went ham. And then eventually I was like, all right, I'm done. I quit. I was like, this is ridiculous. You got out of the game. You know how crazy it is to steal like rotisserie chickens when your Patreon's popping? It felt bad. I was like, I can't anymore. This is a crime. This is a crime, dude. We're like number three on Patreon.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
i put these vitamins in a box at whole foods and pretended it was scrambled eggs they were two dollars yeah that was a lady got caught doing my method which was you take a price tag off of a smaller price item hold it under like a i would get a whole like sheet cover for like 200 bucks scan like a walmart t-shirt over it so on camera i'm scanning this thing but it
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
that's good i was like i mean dude the meat i would get fucking like 10 pounds of meat it's just not right we need that meat you just bag it all up we need it oh man you really one pound of meat last night he was tenderizing last night That's disgusting, Omer. Three o'clock goop, man, and then you're laying on the couch.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Do you guys have any goop in you, or what's your guys' deal? Yeah, I gooped last night.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
what a couple black swans dude for real i'm taking them out of this dance school dude it's like i don't like it at all they're just fucking mean dude like mike so they if you fill up your card you get like it's like six little stars if you get six of them you go in the office and they give you like a present like a little prize and dude we're talking like you know fucking alibaba some sort of like finger puppet for two cents kind of bullshit temporary tattoos
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Where'd you catch the goop sesh? Living room. Yo, bro.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Living room, bedroom. Bathroom, bro. Bathroom.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, I just entered that period right now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Goddamn. She's a witch. Yeah, I just entered into that right now. We'll see.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Actually, some women go on SSRIs during their periods. They like diagnose a mental condition that's like menstrual-induced depression or whatever it is. Menstrual-induced fucking mean as hell. Fucking mean as hell, dude. Yeah. And some women now take Paxil and shit while on their periods. But, you know, that sucks. That's a good move. I might sort of toss it in.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
She's going to sleep for a week. They should be able to go into a mini coma for a week. That's fucking bullshit. They kind of do. It's true. They really do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
yeah it's just not for me i think i know you're talking about now yeah yeah that uh i mean dude when you enter into girl have you become like a female entertainer it's like time's up you gotta dress you know kind of yeah you know like a gay guy because if you if you just like try to be a female entertainer and you just wore like cool normal shit like we wear like fucking alpha stuff yeah like alpha shit like for some reason they're just shorts not a big deal
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Something cash and light. Nothing crazy, but it's definitely pretty.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, you guys are so worried about gooping. If you don't even worry about gooping, you don't have to wear anything, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, on the drive from Austin down to Port Aransas, you just kind of cut through these small Texas towns. And in every... Dude, there'd be a town of like... You know when you come through and you're like, how? Like, this is crazy. Like, how do you even exist here? You know, it could be a town of like four people. DQ. DQ's like the... DQ's are, yeah. Bro, it's like Spice. It's on Arrakis.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Like, whoever controls the fucking blizzard... The DQ's, yeah. Whoever controls the blizzard controls the whole town. It's so hot down there, bro. I know. You get a nice blizzard? And they're... Dude, every town. It's like... There's just, like, nothing. DQ, sticking up. You're like, fuck, bro.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
And Chloe wasn't able to go to that one. It was just Maya. But they both had filled up their cards. And she was like, can I get one for my sister? Her card's full. She couldn't come. She's sick. And the lady's like, one toy per card. And just, dude, you're talking like this thing might have been four cents. Jesus. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. You should have assaulted her.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Del Tacos. But yeah, DQ for sure. Might have to get into the DQ small town game. Just lording over small towns with the DQ. We had one in Mechanicsburg that was a pretty big deal. Yeah, dude. Every kid's sports game is straight to DQ. They do the hot food too.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
The little chili dogs. I was going to say, Matt would be a great ice cream man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I did work at an ice cream place before. My hygiene wasn't good. I would be in the back just like, oh, bro. I'd be like itching my butt in the back. They'd be like, get out there and make some cones. I'd be like, all right. I used to walk by the gallons, open the thing, and just scoop it with my hands and eat the ice cream. It was so gross.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
bruce's fucking rules that's a good place does rule yeah bruce it was a it was a sick job man but you know whatever i'll be honest i was coming to think of it the hygiene was low in the factory yeah it was poor hygiene yeah dude yeah it's not it's not the best yeah i remember like for real coming out of the bathroom from taking a dump and like handling a cone and the manager be like did you wash your hands in the bathroom i'd be like yes dude there's a sign of course yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
What the fuck are you talking about? I just scratched my balls afterwards. I was like, yeah, what the hell are you talking about?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I don't think I, like, as a child, I know for a fact I never washed my hands after dumping.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I should have dumped the bag. I'm like, pick him up. You should have crawled across the desk. Pick him up. Stand on your toes for 25 minutes. And if you move, I'll slap you in the fucking head.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He must have had insane dumps. Did somebody step in on this, or were you just naturally?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'll be honest, as an adult, I've tried it a couple times. I'm like, you know, you're wiping. You're like, man, this is really getting me nowhere. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can hit a fucking give up.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Or you just forget. I'll be like, before bed, I'll be like moving. I'm like, what the fuck the hell's going on? My ass is itchy as hell. Literally last night. I was walking by, and I took a nice dump during the day, and I thought it was fine enough. I was like, all right, I'm good to go. I was about to get ready for bed, and I was like, something's not right.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
And I took a piss, and I was like... It's the father's intuition. I was like, let me see. Let me just get one little ass wipe before bed. Dude, you would have thought I'd just shat. I was like, oh, no. I heard Brittany coming up the steps. I was like... Real quick about this. Sure. When she catches me just wiping my ass at nighttime, she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, nothing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm getting ready for bed. Leave me alone. Yeah, I'm jerking off in here. Getting my goop out. Getting my goop out. But yeah, unfortunately, I had a five-year-old's ass last night before bedtime. I thought I was like, I didn't even, you know, I didn't even thought I'd give up. I was like, I thought I was good to go. I thought I was Gucci. Turns out, not the case.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
No, we've all, there's nothing to be ashamed of. No, yeah. I hit a hard, I hit a give up the other day that's straight to the shower.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I walked past my whole family. I was in the downstairs bathroom. Brittany's like, are you done pooping? I was like, taking her to the shower. This was a disaster. This was a disaster.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I've got to power wash my asshole. What are we having for breakfast?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Next time she catches me wiping my ass at nighttime, I'm going to turn to her and go, these beautiful things that I like. Do a backflip off the toilet and land on my back.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
It's a white guy on Instagram. They call it Kyle Korn, this type of music.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah. Those... It's Kyle Korn. All you need is one good girl hit, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I mean, how old is that boy? He's probably late 20s, I would say. That's when you're just getting old enough to become, honestly, even gayer. True, some guys do double down. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, there was like one person who had a kid, and he's like, oh, my God.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Women love nothing more than a guy who keeps a guitar and be like, it's so hard for you. And I'll be scooping out in California.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
That guy is, like, the perfect celebrity, though. Just, like, he'll, like, one of those guys will just wear, like, Frankenstein boots. Oh, he's, like, going full Backstreet Boys. Yeah. Whoa. Backstreet's back. All right. Backstreet's fucking back.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I think we were talking about it. It's a common license or whatever or something. Allegedly. I don't know. Allegedly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He's got to get this goop up, man. He's got a couple goop songs. He needs a goop. He needs to release a song so he can... I think he's got some new goop shit coming. Yeah, I wonder who's battling for the song of the summer. Kanye threw down the gauntlet.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He should have saved that for the summer. It's not too late for him to release a summer anthem. There's no great summer anthem right now besides... I mean, what did we have last year? Last year we had some fucking bangers. We had that guy, the tipsy guy, the black cowboy. Shaboozy. Shaboozy. That was a good one. He fucking... Oh, really? Was that the summertime? That was the song of the year.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Dude, when we turn on my TV upstairs, it's like always on a channel. Now the channels, I don't know how TV even works anymore, but they pick one show. There's the Baywatch channel.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Whoopi Goopberg. Dude, you couldn't turn on anything without hearing Not Like Us last year.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
For sure. Was that the summer anthem, though?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I don't know, dude. As soon as you hit the certified level, boy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I think that song is what made gingers black. It actually might be. Hold on a second. Yeah, maybe. Okay. That could have been Summer Anthem, maybe. That was definitely the most played. Yeah, for sure. For fo' sho'. But again, like, dude, I'm thinking Kid Rock, Summer Anthem. That was a real summer. That's like party time. I guess you can. I don't know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, exactly. We're in need of a fucking summer banger. Shaboozy. Was that last year or like two years ago? Yeah, that was the summer anthem, dude. Let's all get real. Let's have a reality check here. It's time for a reality check. Can we please get back down to fucking Earth right now? It's time to get down to Earth.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But people roasted him? Yeah, he seemed funny about it. People are claiming him pretty hard. Seems to be the price you pay, man. If you want to get a big follow on Instagram, you have to deal with people fucking hating on you. True. Like hard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Kind of the price you pay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
We were just watching some Saved by the Bell. Zach was dating a girl in a wheelchair.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
True. I mean, dude, honestly, it's kind of a 4D chess because now you're going, no, man, I'm just fucking around.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, I couldn't do that to you. Guess what? Sweatpants. Turns out you gotta wear sweatpants. We have to wear sweatpants. That'll be so fucking funny. Fuck, I gotta get an outfit. I don't have any... Shit. Yeah, what are you going to go with? Do you have to wear nice stuff to late night? I feel like at least a golf shirt and some jeans. Got it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Well, people will be happy. We'll come out, people will go, ah. Then you can go out. Dude, if all else fails. They might not be that happy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Like, hey, we can't go to the fucking, what's the guy's beautiful things concert?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
They'll be stoked. Just watching. Kirby's is going to lose his mind. It'll be so funny. It'll be so fucking funny sitting there. It's going to be really bad. There's no way it's good. The best was last year when you guys did the Tires premiere and they tried to do a serious interview.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
You got to hit him with his cocktail before he goes up.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
They don't have the Ben's Boon. There's no fucking steps. We've got to stay in again and watch movies. We're going to have to watch Thin Red Line again.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
he's gonna get some cocktails oh bro you gotta get you gotta let him drink on that drink on that Xanax I looked back when we were flying I was just like just looking back at him halfway through he's just like he's a fucking cat he's a cat dude you gotta literally inject him with drugs to get him on a fucking plane I know yeah give him the Xans bro give him like double the dose and let him just wear shades the whole time that'd be so nice
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
You should get one of those fake press bars in Kensington. Just give him Fett. Just give him Fett.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He's ripped, dude. He's absolutely ripped. But you've been training, so. I took a little week off there. Things are back in motion. Your muscles are just building back up there. So you need some recovery. Yeah, it'll be very fun.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, I've heard that about a lot of the late night guys. They're very nice. Yeah, I think they're all kind of the bros. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Are you going to get hammered with him? I feel like Jimmy gets hammered. Jimmy Fallon gets hammered. Allegedly, Jimmy gets hammered.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Drinking out of the mug would be sick, though. That's one thing. Allegedly. Allegedly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
How would you not? I would have to be hammered every night to do that job. Bro, that job? Yeah. No offense to the late night guys. Yeah, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I always wonder, when I hear people say that, because I don't have any version of that at all. I've never watched a thing as a child and been like, this is all I want. I just would sit there and just be like, fuck, dude, I can't wait to smoke a cigarette in the woods. This is going to be so sick. I never looked at a thing and I was like, one day I'll do that. I was just sitting there going, damn.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Fucking hard as hell right now. Hiding a boner under a pillow. I didn't really have a choice, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, I had the opposite. I was in eighth grade. That was the one thing I was like, I'll definitely be in the NFL. It's just a matter of time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I wish you could walk. I'm going to build a ramp at the stadium in about three years. I sent a letter.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I think he shot a 79. Dang, he's been really golfing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
fuck it yeah that's awesome i was pumped on myself i did a under eight minute mile this morning that's tough 755 i was fucking dying sick ever since you told me about the murphy workout i was like i gotta do that murphy workout blows dick yeah don't do it what is it a mile it's a mile and then like 100 push-ups 300 push-ups 500 it's fucking crazy never mind i did a baby version i just did a mile no i did the that's the one i did yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I wish this wasn't the case. I feel like we're trapped in purgatory right now. Yeah, that's living the dream.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm going to rip my shoulders trying to get one. Yeah, you'll get fucked up, man. But, yeah, that's the one thing I do like, having a little test going on where I'm trying to get stuff like that down over and over. It's pretty chill. 755 was huge. I was a 10-minute miler for a while. 10 minutes is nice. 10 minutes is chill. 10 minutes is attainable. 10 minutes is fucking chill.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, I got an 811 a week before, and I was like, I got to break 8. And I looked, and I was at, like, 7 on the fourth lap, coming, like, halfway around. And I just was like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
i'm gonna get a 730 and i looked up it's like 757 i was like i'll take it that's great it was nice it was nice i'm gonna try to break it i'm gonna try to break that seven i could get i could get like low sevens is my goal i'd be chill low sevens would be sick and then again dude just fucking hard rock hard rock hard in fantastic shape and just that's it that's all i'll do for the rest of my life
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Just have boners and... Have boners. Have boners and run. And not come and run. Yeah, that's kind of my plan.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
She was a little nerdy looking, but back for a 90s babe. They hit the 90s babe for sure. What season was it? I hope I'm not going too early on this. No, it was... I know what you mean, though. It was, you know, you're certainly a pretty girl. I've been watching... My channel's stuck on Dance Moms. So I put it on and my kids fucking love it. But it's just... It's not like... I don't know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
That'd be a good... You know that Rodney Dangerfield thing where he goes back to college? He's a shooter? Hey, you're picking on me.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
It's like a... I don't know what version of this is. Was Dance Moms like white ladies or black ladies? Because this is only black lady dance moms. And it's just them outside.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, dude, the Dance Moms is so funny. It's just literally, like, ladies standing outside, like, of the dance studio looking into their kids, trying to figure out, like, which ones are going to get picked for the audition. It's just them just in each other's faces, like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I saw a video of a guy on a scooter menacing the block. He zoomed up on somebody, grabbed them by their throat and put them down. A lady tried to break it up and he hit the reverse and just banged. Who the fuck was he? Professor X? He was so nice. He was dominating people on a scooter? Dominating. This guy must have been a menace back when he was bipedal.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Swear to God. This guy must have been an absolute menace. When he was bipedal, Total menace, because he gripped the guy, dragged him down with one hand. I mean, he was like fighting a heroin addict, but, you know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
It'd be kind of, it'd be fun. Yeah, it'd be nice. Especially, I mean, yeah, you could just blame them for whatever. I know you fucking took the money that I spent at the bar.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
They are like little kids. If you're like, hey, come here. They're like going through 20 different things. Like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, I'm busted. Fuck you, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Come here. Yeah, he was getting it in. And dude, backing over the lady was. And then he ran over a woman? Just right into her. Where was this? I don't know. It was just on the internet. Oh, I thought you saw it in Austin. I was like, hell yeah, this is great. I saw a homeless guy with a fucking sword cane in Austin recently. That was freaking me out. I think I've seen that guy. Really?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Is he by the mothership? He was close. He was by like the Black Rabbit.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
He had like, I was just like carrying a box of stuff and heard a lady like, don't poke anyone with that. And I was like, I looked over and this guy had a, like, dude, the blade was like that long. And I was like, Jesus freaking Christ.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm still waiting for the day. Four of them test me, and every time I pass them, I'm like, today could be the day.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'm going to test my survival skills. That must have been crazy back in the day when you've been through four or five life or death battles. The swag would be crazy. I was thinking about that the other day. I was like, dude, my swag would just be different.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Several fights to the death. Swag would be nuts, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
But in terms of basketball, I'm trying to think who I think could take it all in basketball. Not the Knicks. They lost.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
I'll be at the improv, the Hollywood Improv, June 25th. And then the Ontario Improv, Ontario, California, June 26th through the 28th. Filming a special. Please come. And then this is a big one. Ovation Hall in Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th. Let's go. Yeah, I'm going to try to come up with some newer stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Fuck yeah. It'll be sick. So I'm kind of excited for that. So I'm going to try to blend in some new stuff in case people travel down from Philadelphia. Yeah. Nice. That's it. All right. Goodbye. Told you I was reading about the Mayans recently. Yeah, I like that. Dude, they used to build temples in the ocean. So it would be like a stone's throw away.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Like they would say that's how far... There are units of measurement. They would measure the depth of holes by... I forget the word, but it was like the average height of a man. Okay. It's seven a lot of those deep. And they would just be like, it's like six guys deep. That's good. It's really nice. But yeah, they would build these like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
temples out like you know 10 feet out in the ocean out of limestone i don't know how the fuck they did this and then the uh they were wasting a lot of time i think they really were they should have been focused on other things they yeah they could have figured some other stuff out instead of temples in the ocean well they started to really focus they were just like cutting people's heads off and letting the blood drip down the steps they would like have like a cool statue of a snake and be like this thing it would be like a snake eating a lion like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
three or four unsuccessful expeditions before cortez like a couple dudes rolled up and got fucking smoked by the mayans i didn't know that yeah they were they'd roll up like 40 deep and be like come here guys and these dudes would just go bonkers and they're like we had the weaponry we thought they were like we could get them but they would just we were firing shit off our boats at them and they were like we don't they just kept sending guys and then they would take you would take your boy and they would fatten him up
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Yeah, it's like girl movie music. Yeah. Yeah, Britney's hit me with that song.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
He'll get you. Let him, bro. He defends Shannon, but on one condition, that he leaves them snow bunnies alone from now on. You got to leave the snow buddies alone.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
Yeah, I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was very informative.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
Their sonar heals us. Yeah, true. That's the other thing. And they think they're extraterrestrial. I mean, dude. 432 hertz. What do we fucking know?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
Oh, Nate's not allowed. That's interesting. Well, Nate, do you want to come too to promote the shows? Hello, everybody. It's us, Lemaire, Sean, and Nate, and we're here to promote the Optimum Noctis. May 6th at the Creek in the Cave and also April 27th. Are there any good guests? Oh, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
And also, if you're not in Austin, Texas, please join me for a night of stand-up comedy in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
No, that was just, no. That's just a joke, guys.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
No, that's not true. It's the first Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave. Please join us, and then I'll be at Philadelphia Helium on May 6th. SeanGardini.com. Please come.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
A recruit, a young 20-year-old and a 45-year-old man died.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
They were American. Huh? Oh, wait, her name was America. Never mind. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
This article says them being up there is a tradition, which is a traditional ritual. They're secured by harnesses to the top with their arms wide open.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
Yeah. It's got to be hard for you to see this. I've been off Kanye for like two years now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
You've been off him, you're saying? Yeah. I haven't even heard this song yet.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
You haven't heard it yet? No, I still haven't heard it yet. Not the Nazi song. Oh, God damn.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
Why is it our fault that the white lady's like us? It's not your fault. I say it's a mutual benefit. I think people like people. People love people, yeah. I also think RG3 is right. Ryan Clark was kind of being a dick because he was wrong.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
Those male prostitutes had to be super hyped to, like, show up in Cassie's there. Because Cassie's, like, top ten most beautiful women in the world.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
The honks are being quiet, but there was some... We had Epstein's Island.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
But what did you eat? I'm sure it was fucking catastrophic.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Every time we do the podcast in my house, he would walk down.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
I wasn't cheating. You were cheating. No, I wasn't cheating.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
I knew there was a glitch because I was definitely killing people.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Yeah, because due to the possibility of a frog would send me into a frenzy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Yeah, and all jokes aside, BetterHelp's a great company.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
I might try to listen to audiobooks at night. Women don't exactly like it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
What happened? Just a sleepy woman going, what? What is she talking about? And I was like, King George died, and it was kind of the last time all the royals were together in London, and they're all related. Turn the fuck off.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
And her friend honestly thought I was listening to applause.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Me and Adam and James had a nice date yesterday. Oh, what'd you do? We went and saw Friendship, the new... Oh, yeah, you said it was good. It's the funniest... It's going to be the funniest movie. When's it come out?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
I think the grandparents were like... Why can't they come inside? True. I want to hold my grandson. He's outside of the window because of that.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
You're already on the CIA. They're probably on your bumper after they found out that fucking hang time. They're probably like, holy shit, it's Jason Bourne.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
So we did rehearsal and we did another Jamaican church sketch.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Yeah, I was just up there like, all right, we're done listening.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Anything Dr. Mr. Hits. Dr. Hits. Dr. Hits is nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
I was like, dang, my chest is definitely so sitting on me.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Oh, we were talking about... Oh, wait. Wrestling Divas? No, no, no. Chapel Rowan does rule, though. They have to be cute?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
It's one of my favorite things to ruin RuPaul's Drag Race while my girlfriend's trying to watch it. Yeah. What the fuck are these uncles talking about? She's like, what? I was like, those are all uncles. Those are all somebody's fucking uncle.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
And me and Terminator 2 were anchors holding the squad down.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
My sister's kids have been like, when's she going to turn black? To the white kid.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 545 - Thunder Fish
Hello, everybody. I'll be in St. Pete, Florida. Hello, everybody. I'll be in St. Pete, Florida tonight and tomorrow at Coastal Creative. Please come if you can. SeanGardini.com. Thank you. SeanGardini.com. Thanks, Shane. Of course, brother.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 545 - Thunder Fish
Guard dog says no mercy. Yeah, I don't have any. I don't feel any empathy for Travis Kelsey.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 545 - Thunder Fish
I've been told good. Really? I'll check it out. Did you guys see the actual commercial, though?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 545 - Thunder Fish
It's pretty funny. It's him just on his iPhone again, and he's going, I blew all the money I was supposed to spend on the commercial on these new grills, so this is the commercial. And then it just goes Yeezy.com or whatever. And it's just him and, like, a dentist, like, doing a front-facing selfie video.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 545 - Thunder Fish
It seems like they took his site down 24 hours ago.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 545 - Thunder Fish
Yeah, I think he was on the beach, but I don't think he went in the ocean.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 557 - Blob Farm (feat. Nate Marshall)
Guard dog, you get that Italian horn or whatever that thing is? No, I was a crucifix guy for a little while, but as a youth, I was like a shark tooth puka shell kid. Whoa. I had the puka shells as well. I had an alligator tooth too.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 557 - Blob Farm (feat. Nate Marshall)
You can be like Sopranos. I managed to do it, but I went more Rasta when I was coming into my formative years. I can see you hitting the Rasta phase.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 557 - Blob Farm (feat. Nate Marshall)
And if you're in Philadelphia on May 6th instead of Austin, Texas, please come to my show at Helium Philadelphia on May 6th. Please. Thank you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 557 - Blob Farm (feat. Nate Marshall)
No country for old men. This is all fictitious.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 557 - Blob Farm (feat. Nate Marshall)
What are you looking up, Sean? We can get our hands on one of these. I looked up the African American Studies faculty, and there's not really any Caucasoids. There's no Caucasoids? No, there's one that looks like an Asian man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)
Pardon the interruption. This may or may not be Sean Gardini speaking. And this may or may not be Sean Gardini on camera. Who is speaking and who is on camera is not important. I've come to tell you that Sean Gardini is doing stand-up comedy shows. The upcoming shows are in Cleveland, Ohio, December 8th. Buffalo, New York, December 10th. And Baltimore, Maryland, December 11th.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)
Please come to those shows if you can. The tickets are at SeanGardini.com. Thank you. And we're back. Hey.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)
Stop. You're going to James Bond them.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 532 - Dark Queen & Cuck King (feat. Adrienne Iapalucci)
Pardon the interruption. This may or may not be Sean Gardini speaking, and this may or may not be Sean Gardini on camera. Who is speaking and who is on camera is not important. I've come to tell you that Sean Gardini is doing stand-up comedy shows. The upcoming shows are in Cleveland, Ohio, December 8th, Buffalo, New York, December 10th, and Baltimore, Maryland, December 11th.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 532 - Dark Queen & Cuck King (feat. Adrienne Iapalucci)
Please come to those shows if you can. The tickets are at SeanGardini.com. Thank you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 530 - Novak's House (feat. Brandon Novak)
We have 3,000 action stores in Europe and we celebrate with extremely low prices. For example, our Superfin Waschmittelpots, 18 pieces, only 2,99. And our Spectrum Sprühfarbe for perfect coverage, only 2,33. For even more extremely low prices, visit our stores or check out the app Action. Small prices, great fun.