Kelly McDaniel
speaker
720 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard May 2025
last heard 21 May
Kelly McDaniel’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 1 in all, peaking in May 2026 with 1.
Appearances
The Tamsen Show · Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother · 11 May 2025
podcast
One of the terms I came up with in Mother Hunger is called an apology ache. Most adult daughters that I talk to are aching for their mother to see them, acknowledge where she was hurtful, not available, and say I'm sorry. and change the behavior. Not just say, I'm sorry, oh poor me, but literally change the behavior. What I find is that in forgiving our mothers, that apology ache gets smaller.
And then we don't project it onto our lovers and friends. But until we forgive our mothers, we might be looking to our lovers and friends to compensate for where she was actually the one that was hurtful.
Well, being an emotional eater is also part of being human. Eating is like love. It's nurturing. So it depends on the spectrum of deprivation. Am I working with a woman who's feeling deprived, that you starve yourself? I'm going to encourage that eating well is a form of self-care and fuel and keeps us healthy in life. But that's going to take a long time.
Ja.
Even if you don't have a daughter.
Part of grief is anger, part of grief is blame, and those are stages to go through not to feel guilty about. Anger when it gets mixed with shame, and shame is part of mother hunger, because mother hunger is essentially a word for loneliness. Like I'm alone in the world. I don't have a place to land, to feel safe and feel good.
It's an honor. I love that I get to. Oh, that's so nice to hear. I love what I get to do. But yes, because we're human, we're going to need to fill those needs that were lost. So if I missed out on nurturing, I'm probably going to really need to get regular massage. I'm going to need to eat really well, take walks, take naps, rest. How many of us saw our mothers rest? Never. Never. Never. Never.
It was seen as lazy, but it's actually really a form of nurturing. And if we didn't see our mother nurture herself, chances are we didn't see her nurture us either. Let's say that we grew up not feeling very safe. We're going to really want to curate an environment of safety and may not know how to do that. That's where guidance really helps.
Depending on the degree of mother hunger, that guidance could come from friends, family, even religious institutions. But more extreme forms of mother hunger, namely third degree mother hunger. Das ist eine Kategorie, die ich mitgebracht habe, die erklärt, was passiert mit dem Verbindungssystem, wenn eine Tochter eine Mutter hat, die verletzt war, die tatsächlich furchtbar war.
Also ist das Objekt des Verbindungssystems, das wir sehr brauchen und wollen, auch furchtbar. So we learn to bond in fear. Is that what we do in relationships online? And then that's what we do in relationships. We will attract partners that other people might look at and say, oh, that's a bad idea. That person's kind of scary. But we don't see it.
Because we grew up bonding to somebody who was untrustworthy. Our love attachment system thrives on that, knows how to deal with it. That feels like love. And it can take a long time and many broken relationships before a woman may pause and say, I'm the common denominator here. Something in me is hurting and needs attention. And that's when professional help really helps.
To identify what was lost, identify that when you attach to someone who was dangerous, Es hat wirklich dein Beziehungssystem verletzt und du wirst einen Break von Beziehungen brauchen.
Um das Verlangen zu füllen, genau, genau, weil wir nicht stehen können.
Well, I've called it different things. When I see a pattern, a woman who's struggling to break the cycle of one relationship after another, and they're starting to get progressively more dangerous, let's say, or more risky, or her value system is getting compromised more and more, that's when it starts to look like an addiction. Yeah. Where we do something, and if you think about falling in love,
That dopamine high, the temporary insanity, right? It's pretty euphoric. Sure. We feel really high. You want it to last forever. We want it to last forever. And there's a real reason this is biologically so strong. But we can get really attached to those dopamine hormones when we have mother hunger. Because we're hungry. We're starving. And that feels like what we need.
So it's easy to get trapped in a cycle of falling in love without staying in love.
Ich denke, es gibt eine Unterschiede zwischen gesundheitlichem Selbstbewusstsein und Nahrung und Verabschiedung. Ich denke, viele der Dinge, die wir auf Social Media sehen, können auf Verabschiedung hinschauen und nicht unbedingt beibringen, was der Körper braucht, um eine Nahrung zu heilen. Wir sind touch-orientierte Kreaturen. Wir brauchen Touch so viel wie wir Nahrung brauchen, um zu wachsen.
Und viele Frauen lernen, diese Berührung zu erreichen, indem sie sexuell besorgbar sind. Also müssen wir die unnötigen Wege erlernen, um sie zu beherrschen, weil es nicht sehr beherrschend ist. Wir können uns selbst verletzen, wir können uns in Schmerzen verletzen, weil wir so hungrig sind. Also müssen wir gute Wege finden, um die Berührung zu erreichen, damit wir sie nicht beherrschen.
And I'm just wondering how you're doing with this conversation.
Me too. 30 years actually. Kelly, where can we find you? I'm on Instagram at Kelly McDaniel Therapy. And you can go to my website, also kellymcdanieltherapy.com, where you'll find out if I'm doing any speaking or sending out a newsletter. Kelly, thank you so much. It was good having you, really. Such a pleasure to be here. And thank you so much for your powerful work on menopause.
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