Logan Urie
speaker
760 appearances
2 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard 16 Feb
Logan Urie’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 1 in all, peaking in Feb 2026 with 1.
Appearances
Okay. I'm like, okay, I'm feeling like there is a theme here. I'm just saying it's like the person, I dated a lot of people. The person who made me happiest in my life is someone who has an opposite personality from me has different interests than me, but we just share a sense of humor. He's so smart. I love his advice. I really admire him.
And so I think when people get so stuck on this checklist and these superficial qualities, they're actually missing out on a lot of essential pieces.
Okay, great. So I have a chapter in my book called Fuck the Spark. And this has become sort of my unofficial motto because I have so many coaching clients who come to me and they're like, we went on this great date. We had so much to talk about. I'm really glad that I met her. I'm not going to see her again. like, what are you talking about? And they'll say, I just didn't feel the spark.
And so the spark has become my nemesis because it's this all-encompassing term that means instant chemistry, fireworks, puppies, butterflies, and people have really unrealistic expectations around it. And so there are three myths of the spark. The first one is that If you don't have a spark in the beginning, it can't grow. And that's absolutely not true.
Research shows that only 11% of couples felt love at first sight. Wow, really? Yeah. And many people say, oh, you know, we work together and the interest grew over time. Or I wasn't going to say yes to the second date, but then I did. And I found that I really liked them more over time. And so the spark definitely can grow. The second myth is that if you feel a spark, it's a good thing.
And that's definitely not always the case. Some people are just really sparky. And I always think about my friend Archie, where the first few times I met him, I was like, whoa, we really have a connection. And then I talked to my friend who I'd never said that to. And she's like, I feel like Archie and I really have a connection. And I was like, oh, Archie's just really sparky.
It has nothing to do with us. And so some people just are that way. They give that feeling to many people. It's not about your connection. It's about who they are. And then the third one is that if you have a spark, the relationship is viable. And that's also not true. There are couples that I interviewed for my book. who are unhappily together or now divorced, and they met the right way.
They had this romantic we met story, but then the relationship was actually not a good fit, but they were so attached to their origin story that they felt like it could keep them alive. And so the spark is enough to get the relationship going, but it's definitely not enough to keep it going. So what do you want us to know about the spark?
Yes. A lot of the best people out there are people who other people overlooked because they don't spark on a first date. They're not particularly extroverted. Maybe they're not the most charming. It takes them time to warm up. But these are such solid, reliable, incredible partners. And I'm not saying go after the boring person.
I'm saying that some people are really, really sparky when you meet them and you feel very drawn to them. But a lot of the best relationships are with people who are consistent and who will be a great partner long term.
Yeah, you just really summarized my whole philosophy, which is really that a lot of times people come to me and they say, I live in the worst city for dating. There's nobody good out there. And then instead of focusing on the other people who they can't control, I really encourage them to look at their own behavior, point out their dating blind spots, and then choose a different path.
And so I know you know this from writing a lot of books, but you put out a book and you don't necessarily know like what will pop off. Right. But from my book, this concept of the three dating tendencies has become really popular because it's really about identifying what you're doing to hold yourself back. And so it's all about unrealistic expectations. What are the three dating tendencies?
So the first one is the romanticizer. And you'll probably think of different people in your life that are each of these. So the romanticizer is that person who is looking for the soulmate, one person for life. I want the romantic rom-com, we met story. We both reach for the tomato at the same time. And they feel like if I find my soulmate, everything about the relationship will be easy.
The second type is, oh, so the first type has unrealistic expectations of relationships. The second type is the maximizer and they have unrealistic expectations of their partner. This is the person who's always looking for something better. I want her looks, her ambition, her family background, and I just need to find this Frankenstein version that has all that and then I'll be ready.
And they always wonder, is there somebody better out there? And it's hard for them to ever choose because they feel like I should just keep looking. Yeah. And then the third type is the hesitator, and they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. And they're the person who says, I'm not lovable right now. Why would anyone date me right now?
I'm going to wait until I lose 10 pounds, until I have a more impressive job, then I'll start dating. And so they're not putting themselves out there at all.
So romanticizers are hard for me because they feel like I'm popping their bubble, that I'm bursting their bubble. But what I like to tell them is what's romantic is finding somebody and building a relationship. Who cares how you met? If you're in a 50-year marriage, the day you met is 0.0055% of your total relationship. So really get out of the obsession with, I want to meet the romantic way.
No, what's romantic is that you met. And there's this framework called the soulmate mindset versus the work it out mindset. It's from psychologist Renee Franny-Young. And what she says is that soulmate mindset people, what they think is if you find the perfect person, everything else is easy. And so when they encounter problems in their relationships, they give up.
The work it out mindset is a great relationship is one where you both work to make it great and you can tackle any problem that comes your way. So the advice for them is to shift from the soulmate mindset to the work it out mindset.
So probably most of my clients are maximizers because I work with a lot of tech CEOs and finance people and people who are like, yeah, I write job descriptions all the time. And then a recruiter finds that person for me and then they want to do that for dating. So I think a lot of us with online research feel like I can research my way to the right answer.
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