Stephan Speaks
speaker
257 appearances
3 recordings
2 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard May 2025
Stephan Speaks’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Well, my initial response is going to be you don't communicate with them at all, you let them go but... Let's say you already gone too deep. Yeah, and we know it's not always that simple. So, and this is part of the problem of not understanding ourselves coming into it. Because the reality is that levels of communication or what each person needs is going to differ, right.
Some people need a lot of communication, some not much. And so, when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate, I do think you have to ask yourself one, if this is not going to change are you going to be okay? And also, which types of discussions are we unable to have? So, for example, if a woman or man wants to be able to have like political discussions with their partner, right.
And their partner doesn't want to engage in that type of stuff. To me, that's not worth leaving them for. Now, of course everyone's different and if it's going to bother you to the point where it's going to affect your ability to show up in this relationship the way that you need to then you still should walk away regardless of what it means to me or how I view it or anyone else views it.
However, I do think one of the things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we can supplement certain things, right. So, you know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? I think it takes a village to have successful marriages and relationships. Because okay, maybe... And again, I'm just going to use the women as an example. Let's say you had something
stress what happened to you today, you want to call your husband, right? But he's busy right now and he's busy a lot and that can be very frustrating. Okay, well, maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom first or your female friend. That way you can get all your frustration out, you can vent, he can do his thing and then when he has more time later you can do a quick recap.
And now that works for everybody, you see what I'm saying? But the problem is for some people when your partner is your whole world and you don't have any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict. So, I do think that's one when we consider the whole communication issue.
But if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, that is... It's hard for me to give any kind of work around that because if we can't discuss it how can we fix it? You see and so, of course I'm all for you know, trying to understand what this person's hesitancy is, why they struggle in this way.
Because a lot of times it's not as simple as well, they just don't communicate. Totally. There's something going on maybe they feel like you're not going to listen to what they have to say they're used to being dismissed. Like, I have to throw out there I love women but women swear to the greatest communicators and a lot of times they're not, okay.
And they don't realize how in that moment because they're so... Women are so in tune with how they feel and they're so immersed in it that it's easy for them to become blind to how it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling in that same exact moment. See, when she's calm and cool she probably can pick up on things easy.
Right, but when she's passionate when she's feeling strongly about something whatever she's frustrated that blocks a lot. And so, a lot of women don't realize in their discussions with their partners how negative they were how dismissive they were all these things and the dude shuts down. And so, going forward he doesn't want to talk about anything because to him it's pointless.
This isn't going to go anywhere this is going to be you saying how you feel you're not going to listen to how I feel what's the point? It reminds me of how a lot of men don't want to go to counseling because they view counseling as a one-sided affair. The woman is going to say all the bad things that he does and when he tries to express himself it's going to be used against him.
So, he's like what's the point? So, as a woman or a man because it can happen to both sides you have to start with am I creating an environment for healthy communication, period, all right. Because if you're not... Any attempts to pull out of them more communication is not going to work, all right.
So, start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone, how you're approaching things. I also think for people who are struggling to communicate consider doing it via letters, right. Some people struggle to talk But maybe if they can just write it down on their own time it's going to be so much easier for them. And then we can discuss the letters verbally, right.
But start with the writing and I think the writing is good even for those who can communicate verbally because it's so easy for us to get distracted, for people to deflect, for things to get just go off track in a verbal conversation. but in a letter where you get to sit down and make sure everything comes out, you're checking your tone.
Like, it's just a more full experience and then for the person when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal. When we read, we read to process. Okay, so it's a very different approach that we take mentally. So now it's easier for your partner to understand and take in what you got to say when they can read it and they can read it over and over and they can fixate on one part.
Okay, this might be what you mean. And now we can discuss it and dive deeper. I think that would unlock a lot of people's communication issues right there.
And the reality is for some men, Certain things we just are not emotionally invested in or attached to in the way that she might be. And so, to her it's like, well, you should feel something about this. And like, no, I really don't. I don't see this any kind of way. I just want to go on with my day. And he may genuinely mean that. Yeah.
And so again, it goes back to respecting the differences between the genders. We do not process the same, we do not feel the same a lot of times, right. So, that's going to lead to different levels of expression because there's not as much to express in certain situations. And it's just like again, you got to make sure you can be okay with that.
It's not even a right or wrong thing in many cases it's just okay, does that work for you or no? And if it doesn't it's going to cause a problem all right then maybe we are in the wrong relationship. But if otherwise all right then we can still work past this.
Well, one thing I want to point out before I get to that is this. I think we have to start with understanding love is not relationship. We're conflating those two things and it's creating all kinds of issues and confusion, all right. Like, you'll hear people say well, everyone deserves to be loved. Okay, they can be loved by their mother, by their friends, by society, whoever.
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