Stephen Andrew
speaker
600 appearances
6 recordings
1 series
first heard Jan 2017
last heard Aug 2019
Stephen Andrew’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
The Hook Up · Why we date people who are bad for us (and how to break the pattern) · 26 Aug 2019
podcast
So I am going to be drawn to similar people with similar patterns.
I'm still trying to work out that stuff with mum and dad, with these people who present as very different, of course, to mum and dad.
And to then say, okay, that's a red flag for me.
And as soon as I run into...
the next person who is another narcissist that I've dated or another alcoholic that I'm dating, I can go, right, just take a chill pill and step back and go, okay, I know where this is heading and I need to pull out.
That's true.
We don't have a lot of control over that, I'm afraid.
When you're hot, you're hot in the eyes of whoever it is that's looking at you and is being drawn to you.
We tend to talk about attraction as being a thing, as kind of a single stream.
I came across the work of a guy called Ken Page the other day who talks about two types of attraction.
Attraction of inspiration and an attraction of deprivation.
The attraction of inspiration leads to relationships that feel...
warm, they feel easy, there's a sense of mutual respect, curiosity of both of you moving forward, not necessarily in lockstep, but this has all the hallmarks of a rich and healthy and glowing, I really am drawn to this person, they're drawn to me, and it seems to be positive and moving forward.
The attraction of deprivation is one that reaches back, going back to the stuff I was talking about earlier.
that the attraction is all around trying to solve those earlier problems.
And without having done some reflection on what it is in terms of our histories, and that's both our relational histories and our family histories, it's really difficult to tell those two apart.
You just go, wow, you're great, I want you.
Okay, that's the initial push.
But it can take some time to recognise the warning flags that this person who feels really hot around you at the moment is in fact radioactive, perhaps.
Yes, it does.
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