Chapter 1: What emails are read in the Christmas Mailbag episode?
it's email time now that's who the time is right now we're opening up all of the old emails now i wonder who has emailed in now and craig and stew have emailed in now and sally too has emailed in now and john and bob Oh, oh, we're gonna read them out Oh, oh, we're gonna
Hi. Hi. You all right? Yeah. Can you hear me? Yeah, all good. Can you hear me? Yeah. Have you got a new mic? I've got a new mic cable and a new mic. Oh, lovely. Oh, Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. I found it telling. You said, do you want to do a Chrissy mailbag or a Chrissy one in a million? And I chose one in a million. Why is that? Why is that? I love it. I love them. Oh, do you?
I wanted to do a mailbag. Oh, do a mailbag then. It feels more Christmassy, a mailbag. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, brilliant. Right, this is from Pete Whittaker and it was sent in yesterday at 9.25.
Chapter 2: What updates are shared about David's holiday romance?
Yesterday? okay chatter lads just listening to a classic poos and key bumps well classic we don't do poos and key bumps a lot classic yeah i guess whilst on the way to work couldn't resist reaching out as you uttered the words this morning would you believe that's where i'm heading Yes, you heard correctly. I'm a freelance camera operator and I'm going to tell Ben he got a shout out.
Ben Shepard, if you're our regular listener. I'll report back as to whether he cares or not. Amongst your cocaine banter. And I've just been informed it's Ben's birthday. Happy birthday, Ben Shepard. What a treat. I can't believe I missed Joe and Lorraine. We've been so close so many times. Have we? I'm a huge fan of you guys. It's not my first email either.
But like this one, you'll never read it. One day I'll shout crunch crunch at you mad bastards from behind the camera. Then maybe we can meet mates or not. I first discovered Joe on Him and Her and saw David support Ricky over a decade ago. I just wanted to say you guys are brilliant. Your constant drivel of where you are in the charts is magic.
Forget structure and trying to create something specific. It's more relatable, comforting, funny to talk, utter bollocks. And it's kept my mind straight many a time. A sincere thanks from a huge biscuit. Big love, Peter. Check out my art on my Instagram. Okay, cool. Let's do that then. Can you send it to me?
Chapter 3: What are the funniest weed stories shared in this episode?
It's peterwhittaker.art. Peter... Whittaker what? Dot art. Oh, yeah, very nice. Peter Whittaker. I could imagine buying some of that on holiday. Ooh, I do like that. Yeah. I bought some art two days ago. Did you? Yeah. What is it? Oh, it's just something very personal to me. He's painted the woman who hosts Bake, Not Bake, of Pottery Throwdown. And Claire Balding and Noel Fielding.
And, oh, that's Will Young. I don't want to keep making those noises. Professor Green, remember him? Painted him? Yeah. I met him and I met his bodyguard. His bodyguard was tiny and I was terrified of him. And he owned two garages in Brighton. It's Pete Whittaker, you know. dominating the Christmas set. Oh, do you want to hear any of that? Yeah. Oh, I just remembered. I met Professor Green.
I don't really know Professor Green.
Chapter 4: How does the conversation shift to early retirement routines?
He's a rapper. He's a rapper. Yeah, I know. Something like that. He's a nice lad. No, I'm not. I don't have a go at him. I just don't. I miss the boat with Professor Green. I don't know what his real name is, but he goes by his real name, I think. Stephen, I think. Right. Anyway, I met Stephen. He was really nice, and he had this bloke with him who looked kind of menacing. Yeah.
He was small, and it was his bodyguard, and I asked him loads about being a small bodyguard. Right. What did you ask him? Well, how does he... How does, what does he do? How does he, what's his, and it's all about being ahead of a problem when you're a bodyguard. What did you ask him though? I said, what do you have to do? How do you, you know, and I think I asked questions like.
What did you, I want the one question. Well, it was about 12 years ago. Sorry if I haven't asked him well. You keep going, what do you like? No, let me, no, I remember the gist of it. No, no.
Chapter 5: What clarification is made about VLODing?
That's the gist of it hands. Yeah. What, being a bodyguard and being small? No, I didn't say small, but I meant like, no, I didn't ask specifically about small. Sorry, I thought that's what you meant. I meant like, because he's one bloke, really. And I said, what happens if loads of people are running at you?
And I remember his answer was like, my job is to not get in a situation where that's happening. This is a mental Christmas episode. Well... What do you want? What do you want? How do we make it Christmassy? Because the emails aren't going to be Christmassy, are they? I think I just want to go to the next one pretty quickly. Well, I don't. Bodyguards. We've done that with Simon.
We had a bodyguard on, didn't we? I know. I just think he had quite an impact on me. He also had a house in France that he couldn't shift. right where in the south in the countryside he warned me against buying a house in france yeah right and he said it was beautiful it was on a river it was an old mill and he still couldn't shift it Fucking hell, I'd love to end the episode there.
Merry Christmas, everybody. We'd have nine minutes. Fucking amazing. Do two nine-minute eps. Right. So, thanks, Pete.
Chapter 6: What quick-fire messages about married life are discussed?
I don't know what you wrote. Fucking hell. I can't remember what you said. How did we go to Professor Green? Oh, his painting. His painting. He's done a painting of Professor Green. Yeah. Right, next. What are you writing? Thank you for your Christmas email. Oh, yeah. Thank you for your Christmas email, yeah. Oh, he's on his way to this morning or something. Yeah. Don't keep talking about it.
That's nice, isn't it, Peter?
Yeah.
Gay sex quip from George. I'm sorry, I delayed that one now. Can you see? I was getting impatient. Yeah, I apologise. Quick quip to report. In a large company meeting, we're all sat on some benches at the back of our office when it came time for our ultra fit marathon running CEO to get up and speak. letting out a huge aching sigh as he got up from the bench. He said, oh, Jim, last night.
In a flash.
Shall we just move on? I don't think we need to.
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Chapter 7: How do the hosts react to the topic of sex frequency in marriage?
Well, I did one about Holly and you basically pulled me apart. Did I? Holly up the arse. didn't pull you apart well that felt like it in a flash and without really thinking about who I was speaking to I quipped and how is he here are a few sniggers those around me before a more senior member of the staff repeated the quip for all to enjoy God, that meeting sounds Monday. Yeah. Yeah.
Aren't they all? Thank you for your Christmas email. The title was intriguing, I'll be honest. Oh, my God. Tom, David's Ibiza Cove. This scares the shit out of me. I'm the husband of Claire. I'm the mad bastard who's married to Claire. Fuck. Yeah, so this was your holiday romance, Ep. Yeah. You met a girl called... I fancied another one. Oh, I liked her. Not as much as the other one.
Crunch, crunch, lads. If it's the same infamous cove that I'm thinking of... There's so nothing to this story. Which is not far from San Antonio Bay... then I'm not sure David would like to go back there, as it's now affectionately known as Kett Cove. Oh. Oh, I bet you've had some. I have not had ketamine. I know someone who has.
Chapter 8: What final thoughts are shared in the Christmas episode?
I was reading about what it does to you the other day. Yeah? Doesn't it... I can't remember. A wonderful communal space where all the Kett heads... Oh, I know, it detaches you from reality. That's it. Why is it weird when you say it detaches you from reality? I think because I sound like a schoolteacher. You're firmly ensconced in reality. I am, aren't I? I'm on high alert.
Yeah, I don't know if it's that one. Fucking hell. Yeah, maybe. I was really hoping he was there that night. I don't even know where we were.
What?
I'm sure we were on the other side to San Antonio. I don't know. I don't know anything about our beef. I've never been. But I imagine a family wouldn't go to San Antonio. Yeah, I think we went to the boring side. So I think I remember me and Scott saying, oh, can we go to San Antonio? Yeah, and that's a 40-minute drive away. Yeah. This was sent in on the 5th of December. Hi, both.
When Princess Diana died, I was 10, soon to be 11. I remember my mum coming to my bedroom to tell me Princess Diana had died. I said, no, it can't possibly be real. As a few months or possibly years previously, it was reported in the news that the Fugees singer, Lauryn Hill, had also died. But that turned out to be false. However, Princess Diana had died. What the fuck is that?
Later on, I asked my mum if I could watch Die Hard on VHS. What is going on? I didn't... Well, we asked him, what did you do? I know, but if you're about 18... Oh, right, no, he's 10. Why can't people... That's the important bit. Were you bothered when you were 20, 21? Were you bothered? Not 10.
Yeah, because he said that I didn't go to the Flowers of London because I was living in Manchester and only 10 years old. That's not what we asked. No, no, exactly. I want to know, if you're the same age as me, was my reaction bizarre? Yeah. Your mum was probably 45 or something, or 10. Yeah, yeah. Sorry to get cross. This is from John Bolton. Morning, chaps.
Was, by any chance, the guy in orange Joe's Park Run stalker? What? He sent a picture. Show me. Oh, my God. Oh, please, please, please, please, please. No way. Hang on a minute. Let me read the email first. If not, have comfort that someone done the exact same to me for 21 kilometres at the Thames Half Marathon in October. If it is, whack this in one in a million. Oh, it's his one. Oh, right.
Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought it was someone at the run I'd done. Was it him in orange? I wish it was. No. Right. Similar age. He's better looking than my one. Oh, so he followed him around for 21 kilometres. Is that just because you need someone as a pace setter or whatever? That guy might have been following him to keep pace. That guy's a little bit faster than me, so I'll try and keep up with him.
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