Chapter 1: What challenges does David face when traveling to London?
Good morning. The good old days. Oh, you sound very croaky. Really? Yeah, like you haven't slept a wink. I've slept a wink. Okay. God, I'm depressed. They're just lying in the hotel room. I hate it so much. Are you worried about noise?
I suppose I could talk to you off the back of yesterday.
Yeah, well, that's what I was hoping would happen. Yeah. Gripped. The nation is gripped. I did think... It's mental. It's mad to talk about anything except how did David get on in Paddington. Fucking hell. If we do three eps on this, then a general debrief of how you coped with two days in London as well. Yeah. What do you want to know? Well, how did you get off?
Because you saw... Oh, that's the one thing I want to talk about.
You sent me a text. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Why are you rowing? Oh, just let the audience. Don't give them so much so early.
Right, I don't understand why... Did you text me from a different phone number? Or a different thing? Because I've got two threads from you.
I have as well. Why have I got two? When I looked at my MacBook last night, it wouldn't go back like the history, because I was looking for the Bruce Forsyth link.
Well, I've got two of you. I've got one, the last, it's got, you know, you sent me a message about something, and then before it said, it's got, the last one before that is a picture you've sent of me, of Ronaldo, and it says, this, oh no, a Ronaldo lookalike, and it says, this bloke is £1,275 to hire. Which I don't remember. You're even sending me.
And then I've got a separate thread from the old one, but you're now not on that. You've started a new... Fuck it, I was... No, that's weird.
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Chapter 2: How does David's train journey impact his mood?
I think, like, occasionally, like, people think I'm smart.
You know, there's stuff going on behind your eyes, you know. You play the kind of innocent sort of dents.
I don't play dents. I've never played stupid ever on the pod.
Even then, even now you're playing, which is good. It's clever.
Even now.
Even now.
Well, let's be honest. Sometimes when we go off pod, I listen to us and I go, do these two make a pod? Because it's like... You go, oh, anyway, so just so you know, we've got a meeting at 11 that I think is going to be cancelled. It's just like this monotone conversation.
I love it.
What do you love about... off pod real life isn't it it's not it's not banter it's not trying to entertain it's real life but what my point is we're clearly trying to entertain in every sentence we're not in that point that we we're not anyway I'm bored okay you've got a little bit of prickliness because you're in a hotel no no no no trust me you do No, no. No, no. Yes, yes.
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Chapter 3: What awkward encounters does David have in London?
Just to say you are prickly. Oh, right. Okay, I'll do that. I'll drive next time.
And you're sure you're not prickly this morning. What did he say? Do you want to get your own... Do you want to get the suitcase out of the boot? You're not Rihanna. You're fine.
Of course I'm fine. I was just... The truth is, of course I'll get my... I did kind of go, mate, you're the taxi driver. Get off your fucking arse and out of my drive and get my case out of the boot.
On audience, on the likeability scale, where would you say David is right now? I couldn't even get out the car. I was just ploughing on anyway. I'm your customer, son. Oh, the company are paying. Yeah, the company are paying.
To be fair, you have not put your hand in your pocket. It's like going into a shop, into a grocer's, No, it doesn't work. We'll wait, though. Don't worry. We'll wait. Yeah, it doesn't work. Yeah, fair enough. So then I sat on the... Right, this is the bit that I text you. I sat on the platform and I got this ungent weed smell skunk all over. It's like, Jesus, it's like three in the afternoon.
Licked your lips? No, I didn't. It feels really dirty now. Really dirty. Welcome to my side of the world. And, God, honestly, it's so true. It's like you could chop it with a knife and it's really too much.
I run through it all the time, walk through it, run through it in Brighton. Big chuff puff. I know.
Back in the day, it was just like, God, it's crazy how, anyway. So I was like, okay, where are the kids? Who's doing this? Where are the teenagers? looking around. I'm on a bloody platform, top nest. I turn to my left. Fucking hell, it's you. There's a woman in her early 60s
just leaning on the railing, pretty normally, having a fucking joint. Right, just to let you know, this will happen. There'll be all the stuff like my Coke story. Okay, so get to a certain range. Isn't that weird? You can't chuff. You can't chuff on the platform. That's all happened now. Oh, I don't think you can. Yeah, I don't. Well, it is illegal, isn't it?
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Chapter 4: How does David cope with feelings of homesickness?
I'm telling it like it is. You've got a smoker's skin.
Can I just roll back to, I just want to be clear. You saw a red-headed lady and a man with a ponytail. It all makes sense. And that was because she wasn't dressed like that.
She wasn't dressed like that. You imagine she might have worked in a shop in WH Smith. Okay. It should be the punky one in WH Smith.
So she was a little bit punky.
Just a little bit, tight-backed jeans.
She wasn't a friend of my mum's? No, no, no, not at all. No, so you were like, but then she's a sort of, when her two friends turned up, she was the plain-addressed one of the three.
That's exactly it.
Thank you, thank you. I was like, oh, I see, right. Thank you. So if the three of them were together when you first saw the puffing, you'd go, that makes sense.
Yes, it would make sense, yeah.
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Chapter 5: What interesting characters does David meet during his travels?
I don't know if I'm prickly. I'm just saying it is. I think we've got 20 minutes to work out if you are prickly. Anyway, so can I ask, did you part your ways only with the three puffers when you got on the train, or did they... Well, strangely, the two alternative ones got on my train. She just carried on puffing?
I don't know what she did.
Well, she didn't get on the train.
I don't know. Basically, I got off at Paddington and the woman with red hair was getting off with me. Not like that.
Can I do a side? Because you're prickly. Can I do a side thing? Yeah. I got on a train at Brighton a few weeks ago, got off the train. So there was a young lad got in front of me or behind me. And I remember he's dressed sort of quirkily, so I noticed him.
I noticed him and turned my nose up.
Well, not quite as violently as you did. yeah jet black area and um yeah he then got off at victoria and i happened to walk across the station near him then he was at the platform on the district line next to me then he got on the train then he got off at the same spot as me and then he walked up the stairs and that's but so we did about five interactions together across london
we were going in the same yeah that was it no well i've told you that well because you saw the red-headed woman in paddington and i did that with someone the other day but it kept going it kept going maybe it's trying to teach us a lesson what fucking lesson is that i just i don't know living that bit well no i didn't have a problem with the lad
well a little one well it didn't it was just you know just quirkily like a young person would yeah yeah I don't know like a flash jacket or something so back to you haven't got on the train yet but you're you're not we've worked out you're not in a good spot mentally
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Chapter 6: How do the hosts discuss their experiences with public transport?
I just think you're going to catch it. You're going to catch it, aren't you?
Well, I'm a nerd, aren't I? I'm a fucking square going... Yeah. Yeah, like you say.
Yeah. Yeah, wear grey and keep clean.
Sexy boy. Wear grey and keep clean T-shirts. Blend in, everyone. So you saw Red-Headed Lady. Yeah. Oh, no, no, you grabbed your nuts, you got your pret-a-mange, right? Was it defiance? Did you go, fuck you, London, I'm moving my nuts? Yeah, definitely.
I was stood behind an Asian guy. I remember looking at the back of him just going, I don't care if you turn around, this is what I'm doing. I don't care what you're about to see. It was like one and a half seconds. It was a fuck you, London.
Fire that guy. Fire that guy from Bournemouth. Chances are, if he's in Paddington, he's just travelled up from somewhere.
Well, I thought about that as well, you saying, you know, most people have travelled in.
Yeah.
So I'm learning stuff from you this week.
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Chapter 7: What reflections do David and Joe share about their time in London?
But I just went through the channels. And you haven't moved since. What did I think? I thought, why isn't Naomi wrong? Is that what you thought? Well, at some point I did. I was like, come on, babe. Check, I'm all right.
It's your Vietnam, isn't it? Just beat through your hair.
Yeah. He's not worried. And now I'm here, it's sort of day, the proper day one. It's two days, right? And it's kind of what the systems go, isn't it, really?
Has this helped, Jack? Because sometimes when we've podded in either way, it's been like a kind of, and I'm distressed, it's been kind of a helpful...
Yeah, we feel less alone. I'm not the only one who feels like this.
Yeah, but also it's nice seeing a friendly face.
Yeah. No, it's true. And, you know, I'm just in this small room and I don't want to open the curtains. Why not? I don't know what's out there.
Well, London.
Exactly. Where in London are you? I don't know.
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Chapter 8: How do David and Joe conclude their conversation about London?
It's so funny. Yeah, I'm not going to get hurt in the morning.
Well, I just think... Burgers come out of my head.
In the afternoon. I do in the morning.
Yeah, in the morning, I feel... Yeah, I do feel... You're right, actually. I feel very confident in the morning. Walking like that.
Yeah. Morning, I'm not scared of you.
Morning, I'll skip to where I'm going. No, you're right. Fucking hell, then come three o'clock in the afternoon, I'm playing the Bat Streets.
Well, it's slightly more chance of me getting... Yeah. ...getting the Bat Streets.
Do you really not have any of this in London? No. No, I don't. You're a London boy, though, aren't you? No, I was growing up in Kent. Yeah, but your roots are London. Well, that does mean I'm... I mean, I'm a Crawley boy. My roots are in... So how do you feel walking around Crawley?
Top cock of the hoop or whatever? Bowling alley, swimming pool, bosh. The hot wharf theatre, bosh.
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